Yes, You have all made that clear, and i get it... but i can't just change my feelings, and how my heart feels... I am in love with her... That isn't just going to go away. I suspect one day it will, but it hasn't yet. I know most of you feel im not listening or being stubbron.. That may be the case, I dunno.. but i hear you all, and my heart right now is far stronger then anything else... Dont know what else to say really.

It's taken me all of the 14 months post split to get where I am today. Yesterday I had zero interest in texting her for Mother's Day. I used to agonize over it too. But accepting she is gone and it's over is a huge necessary step. You'll get there. But I would stop professing your love to her and sending flowers, more than likely that's just annoying her and validating her saying she feels smothered by you. Just leave her alone and heal on your own. Once my wife left I never said that I still loved her or bought her anything. We did have some long talks about the split and what went wrong but it didn't change anything. Better to leave them alone and heal up.

I'm sorry, and this is harsh and hurtful, but maybe it will make you snap out of this whole, "I'm in love with her" song you've been playing for months.

You are making an absolute fool of yourself, on top of being a doormat. Until you can start moving forward and let go of this woman, you are not going to heal. Really the choice is yours, but the continued pain and agony you are feeling at this point is on you. You can't really blame her for your suffering if you are not doing what you need to move forward. Yeah, she left, she hurt you, she destroyed your family, but you keep nursing the wound.

We cannot necessarily change the thoughts that come into our minds.

We CAN choose whether or not to entertain those thoughts and where to put our focus.

I have found some peace using short videos on "mindful meditation" on YouTube. None of it has been really "out there." Focus on breathing, healthy breathing exercises, that sort of thing. And most helpful, it has taught me that "A thought is just a thought. A feeling is just a feeling." You can choose to let it go as easily as it came. Sounds strange maybe, it did to me at first too. But, it has really been helpful. It helped me through the "I can't stop thinking about him, I wish he'd change and put our family back together" phase. Because it taught me I have a CHOICE not to sit and ruminate over him all of the time.

So while you still love her, and that's normal, you have the choice and the power to direct where your thoughts go. I you sit all day and think "I love her, this is horrible," then you will stay stuck so much longer. If you dont want to try meditation, try other forms of distraction.

But the fact remains, if any of us choses not to think anything else except of our ex, we are never going to heal. We have to take the first step, then the others will come. Small at first, then you find yourself months or even a year out (me) and it's not an effort to NOT think of them all of the time. The choice is yours. Peace and hugs to you.

Believe it or not, my efforts to keep busy and refocus are how i make it through the day... I have moments that hit me.. going to bed at night, waking up in the morning... hearing our wedding song on the radio, or seeing something that reminds me of her. Some of these aren't avoidable, i cry a few minutes and collect myself. I have gone out with friends, I have gone to a movie and done dinner with family... but at the end of each day im still going home alone, to a house that once thrived with a family, and now silence.( when idont have the kids ). Doesn't change how i feel... my heart is still hers and my kids.. I still want my family whole, and I want my wife.. I know i may never get that, I know this is her choice and i didn't do anything wrong... but its still how i feel... Thats not going to change over night... we had 10 great years.. and 6 rocky months with no real explination... Its sudden, it doesn't make sense, everyone i know is shocked, and doesn't understand what she is doing and why... Friends, her own family are all devistaed and shocked and so am I... I want to wake up as if this was all a nightmare but i know thats just not how it is...

I agree with happymama!

There's a saying that what you focus on expands and it's definitely true. So the more you focus on being a victim and how miserable you are, the crappier you will feel and that will spill over into other relationships, especially those with your kids.

You offer lot of excuses....a song on the radio, going home to an empty house, etc., etc. You blame her and the circumstances. You don't accept responsibility for YOUR feelings. That's all victim mentality and perfectly normal in the beginning. We've all been there. But there comes a time when you need to be accountable for how you feel. No one can make you feel anything! YOU decide what you feel.

Do you want to continue to be a victim? OR do you want to take some action and start to heal?

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE TO CHANGE YOU.

Happiness and well being come from WITHIN, not from anyone else.


YOU get to choose how long you want to stay in victim mode. When we are in victim mode, we hand over all of our power to others. We blame others. We don't take responsibility for our own feelings or healing. The ONLY way to move out of the victim mode is to take our power back. One way to do that is to start taking action, like getting some therapy.

Here's one more really important thing to focus on... your children. Your actions (or lack of action) is teaching your children how to behave. And children are way smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I urge you to get to a qualified therapist ASAP so that they can help you to move through the grief process and learn how to accept what has happened, stop blaming and start living.

I have to agree with the others. We have all been where you are, and for the most part, it is a up and down process. It wdoes take a while for a new normal to start to happen. But you can't linger too long in this phase. I never wanted my husband to leave me, but I have accepted my new normal, and ESL, it is time. Once you accept, you will begin to heal. I am in the anger stage right now, sometimes I have a thought of him, but i don't allow it to stay to long.

Best of Luck to you

I believe he has said that he is the one still harboring feelings. He is the one that hears the advice and while he hears it, he still feels like he does.

So why are you beating up on him?

He is choosing to wallow right now, share his feelings and nurse his wounds. he KNOWS it isnt helping him. He KNOWS he is prolonging the pain. He KNOWS what it looks like to everyone. He has written all that in black and white.

There is tough love, which a lot of people have given it and there is tough love gone wrong. Lets not let the good tough love go down the wrong path.

Its all been said, and quite harshly at times. So now support or move on yourselves. There is no need to brow beat anyone, regardless.

ESL: I originally wanted to reply to one statement you said, but got side tracked. I wanted to comment on this:

"still hope to show my kids what it is to love... She can show them how it is to break a heart and destroy a family, but choose to show love"

Good on you. Many can turn to nastyness, blaming, name calling, and even try to get the kids to take sides. Being amicable and showing how to love even when you are not getting that same love back, will teach them a valuable lesson that is somewhat forgotten in this me-me-me world.

Stay strong.

You have to get strong before you stay strong.

Wallowing like this is horrible for your kids.
They need to be your focus. Forget her. She made her mind up and dumped you. If my wife did that to me with 2 small kids I wouldn't be sending her flowers.

At some point sooner rather than later you need to wipe the tears away and focus. Be a dad.

To ESL12 -- you do not look like a fool -- ignore that ridiculous statement. you simply look human to me. you haven't been grieving that long -- I've had ups and downs for 18 months. I've been dating, and that can feel wonderful but when that breaks up it feels rough again. I am lucky -- I anchor myself to kids and my ex is comfortable with me hanging out with him and kids when I need that anchor. it helps -- it is not ALL lost. I also have a nice job I am enjoying. But most music I heard prior to my break-up makes me cry... seriously, find NEW music. maybe in another language so you don't understand the words... Do remember when you are in those tearful moments and worst lows that they DO pass, the worst feeling will pass in about 10 minutes, hold on to the driftwood -- get out with others (meet-ups for day hikes, reading group, wine tasting, dance class -- all really great ways to make new friends who might also be single or are at that other stage of having stayed in marriage but still pretty restless and struggling to stay afloat in life). It's tough for everyone, we are in it together though - the together part is the silver lining i think. the tide changes every 12 hours (i think)... the lows return, but so do the highs. Accept the lows, enjoy the highs, sleep and exercise. cry. breath.

Thank you all... I was getting a bit tired of the beating on here, but i understand it. Im not on her typing every minute of my day, I have highs, i have lows.. Its the lows that make me cry, its the lows when im weak and want to reach out to her. I do feel as if ive been crying less each day, but im still crying. I am strong around my kids, but im not with them everyday like i want to be., that too is painful. I prolong my time out of the house to avoid the silence when i get home... Although that only leads to choirs around the house piling up. I understand all or most of us were hurt by our spouses, and i understand we all react to that differently, some in anger, some in pain, some in fear, some with all. Im not angry, atleast not yet... So when i sent her flowers on mothers day, Its out of love, its because despite what she has done to me, im still choosing the higher road for my kids and im sure in some ways was comforting for me knowing i still was able to show a small sign of love to my wife even though it wont mean as much to her. Ive said it a few times... I am in love with her and that wont just go away over night. It may never go away, i dont know. I can only hope one day im able to move on and love someone else as much as i love my wife, if i even love someone new half as much thats probably more then most people are used to. I miss her, I love her, and I miss my kids everyday.

I do understand your love for her but do keep in mind that the person you love no longer exsist even if she is alive, healthy and talks to you. It will take time but it will dawn on you one day and once it does you will find relief. That is just how I see this playing out and sometimes I am wrong but to me I think people just want to see you come out of your sorrow. Best Wishes and peaceful healing.

ESL, my husband left in January to move in with another woman he had an online relationship with for 3 years. He just bought a house for the dogs. He came to get the dogs last week because I told him I needed to have space to figure out what I would do for the rest of my life. I also felt he needed some responsibility after being on a "honeymoon" for the last 4 months . I know what an empty house sounds and feels like. I also know that I can't control my emotions. I get anxious and feel like I have to run away or cry, but it eventually passes. It's strange that I have absolutely no control over that. When my husband was here last week, it was like he never left. We were friends like always and had a great time. He took me to dinner and a movie we both liked and would have gone to if he was still here. Then I realized that he didn't see me as a partner anymore, but as a buddy. I don't think I want to be that to him. He bought me a rose bush and planted it in my yard. I wish he had just given me something temporary, like cut flowers or a piece of pie. Then I wouldn't have to look at it every day. However, everything in the house and the yard reminds me of him so the rose bush is just one more thing. I think everything he did here was to ease his guilt of throwing away 36 years of marriage. He told his mom that he was so happy to see how great I was doing. I have friends, joined groups, and seemed happy. Little did he know that my anti-depressant and Xanax kept me from falling apart those two days. Oh yes, since he couldn't get everything done in one day, he stayed overnight, in the guest bedroom. Thank god for pharmaceuticals.

ESL..I think that you are doing what is right for you. My husband left almost 5 months ago and I still cry. Maybe not as much but I still cry. I think it is an appropriate response to how we feel. When I am feeling good, I don't necessarily write on here either. Its when I feel angry or sad that I seek out that emotional support. I don't think that the people on here that offer "tough love" are doing so to be mean. I think that they are further along in the process or their stories than we are and can remember what it was like to be at the beginning of this all. Like they know what needs to be done because they have done it, but hurrying the process along isn't going to help even if we all know what we should do. I know what I should do, every day I wake up and tell myself what the right thing to do is...then I fail miserably. Maybe not every time, but I do fail. So will you. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Just keep getting through each day, and focus on your kids. You will get stronger each day.