Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
You're not foolish at all, you're human. We've all been right where you are now. Sometimes I may sound harsh but I just don't like to see someone being played. I only knew because I've been there and have had 14 months to read and reflect on this situation. I know for a fact you have to keep your shit together. And it sounds like you are already coming to terms with it and that's a huge positive. I was trapped in false hope for over 6 months and even after I found out the truth about her and her cheating. But it DOES GET BETTER. I'm happier now letting go of that false hope and looking forward not backwards. There's a reason the rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield buddy. I can't relieve your pain and tell you why this happens but I can tell you with the proper work and mindset you WILL heal. And really you will conclude its not worth it to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You're a ways from that but it WILL happen. Trust me on that. I would've done anything early on for reconciliation but now I would never take her back. You'll get to that same place trust me.
sja
sja
OH, ESL. It is ok to cry. Tears are cleansing. I am one of those unfortunate people who doesn't generally cry, it is like the tears get stuck in my chest and wont come out. You cry all you need to.
ESL12
ESL12
Could sleep much last night, woke up and just cried some more... I know this was a huge mistake, but i called her this morning... Im sure you can all guess it wasn't a great outcome.... She basically said that she knows where i stand... and that right now she doesnt want to try... That me begging is only making it worse.. pushing her away and making her smothered all over again.... I told her i was sorry, that i know me doing this is a mistake, but i was inlove with her, and thats the only emotion im feeling right now. She said i should try to have some fun, take the kids someplace fun, go out and have my own fun... I said i know and I will, but i will nevers top wanting her and loving her.

Now i know this was a mistake, I know most of you will be annoyed that i ignored advice... I was weak, upset, and needed to hear her voice...
sja
sja
OH, ESL, I'm not annoyed with you, and I don't think anyone else on here is either. We are watching you spiral down and can't seem to help you get back up. It is hard to repeatedly give someone advice, and watch them not take it, only causing them to suffer more than they already are. We all have been in your shoes and some of us have done the exact things you have. When someone is in the kind of pain you are, it seems like the only thing that can take the pain away is the person hurting you. In your own time, you will realize that this is just not true. You can make the pain stop, you are just not there yet. I do hope you get there soon, if not for your own sanity and healing, but for your kids. I guess all I can say is keep posting here and try. Try not to call her. Try not to focus on her. Try and move forward. You need to stop looking at the past (as hard as it is) and start looking towards the future. You can never go back to the way things were. Even if she came back and said she wanted you back, and you worked things out (and I am by NO means saying this is even going to happen), they would never be the same. Are you seeing a counselor? I know you said you were earlier, but maybe you need to switch to one who will help you move forward instead of seeing one who was trying to help you fix your marriage, because unfortunately, those cards are just not on the table now, and they may never be. You need to start taking steps forward.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Yeah what SJA said. They would never be the same even if she did come crawling back, which is rare anyways but it has happened I suppose. You would always be wondering if this is the day she walks out again, you'd be a slave to her happiness always hoping she doesn't bail out AGAIN. Ugh, noooo way. It did take me months to realize this with my ex wife, I would never take her back and always wonder who she's texting and where she is..the trusts is gone, kaput, dead and buried and once that's gone I don't have the desire to rebuild it, I didn't walk out she did. Let your ex live her fantasy life without you, don't make it easy on her. She made the choice.
ESL12
ESL12
I am still seeing my own therapist, one that was never helping to save our marriage, but one to help me with my feelings and or issues. Right now all i want is her... no idea how or when my mind will change. I know i must be crazy to still feel so much for her after all she has, or is doing, but i do. I am in love with her and just want my family back.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
She's not coming back. You need to get that mindset and go from there. No amount of hoping, pleading, begging, crying, wallowing, dwelling, contacting is gonna bring ber back.

Work forward. Over time it gets better. Stop the false hope. The sooner the better.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I have used this to describe losing someone. It is like losing a limb or branch but you can still feel the limb. You are learning to walk again without it. Where where and how you choose to walk again is up to you but you have to make the choice to walk again and eventually you will get to where life decides to take you because none of it is really up to us but choosing to be one with life is a choice. This is my view of it anyway.
ESL12
ESL12
I understand all of this, right now i feel dead inside, i feel my heart was ripped out... I get it, i get that i need to give up, i need to focus forward, move on, live my life.... I get it... I am trying, and have not been able to yet... I went out for dinner and drinks with my boss last night, had an ok time.. the moment i got into my car to head home to nothing i lost it... I feel like a lost soul without my wife and kids home and whole. They, her inlcuded are my world... There was no greater joy in my life then walking in that door to them... and now she is gone, and my kids are part time. its not hope she will come back.. Its want, its what i want and i can't do anything about getting it... that hurts alot.
sja
sja
I agree with coop and Charlie girl. There is nothing more any of us can do to help you. You more need to help yourself. You can keep hanging on, or you can move forward. Until you decide, you are going to stay stuck. I do wish you luck, and hope you decide to move forward some day.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Trust me when I say it's gonna take time. Lots of time. But your mindset is so important. What I did is joined a gym. An hour or so of cardio was amazing for making me feel better. I'm going later today too. I was in the same boat you are but spent wayyyy too long with false hope also. Once you clear that hurdle little by little you feel better and realize she dumped you and let you cry as she still packed and left and you won't want her back. It will happen. Then you are really free.
Missy73
Missy73
Earlier this week Tailspin suggested that you go back and reread your posts. I think that's a good idea. I found your post this morning elucidating even though you didn't express anything new. What I mean is that I felt like a got a glimpse into the situation from your wife's perspective.

As someone whose husband dumper her for his sidepiece it's hard to imagine why a woman would give up a man so committed to family life. However, in your past posts you've made reference to the fact that your wife feels suffocated by you. In spite of her wishes to create distance from you, you called her this morning because you "needed to hear her voice." From her perspective you've made your needs a priority over hers by not respecting her wishes and continually professing your love.That's not consistent with your statements that you'd do anything to get your family back. Your behavior is guaranteeing the outcome you're trying to avoid.

Instead of focusing on your feelings for your wife, maybe you and your therapist can spend some time working on what is making you behave in this manner. You are a valuable human being and you shouldn't feel like you continually need to beg someone to love you. Your wife is one person in a world of billions. There are plenty of other people who will love you if your marriage does end in divorce. In order for your marriage or any other relationship to be successful, you need to focus on what's going on with you.
steppingovertheedge
steppingovertheedge
Great post Missy73, I was thinking the same thing about the "suffocation". ESL, it's something you may want to work on at therapy. Someday you will move on from this, and you will likely find someone new. It will be important to learn not to be too smothering before that time in order to improve your long term chances of success.

I am trying to learn from my mistakes also. Oddly, learning about my spouse's long-time cheating and reflecting on how she treated me during that time has been more of a positive than a negative for me. It is helping me realize that this isn't all my fault. It's probably not even half my fault. And I can see her for what she is today: not someone worthy of my love.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
I am trying to learn from my mistakes also. Oddly, learning about my spouse's long-time cheating and reflecting on how she treated me during that time has been more of a positive than a negative for me. It is helping me realize that this isn't all my fault. It's probably not even half my fault. And I can see her for what she is today: not someone worthy of my love. "

THERE YA GO! That's where I am exactly. I'm wayyy better off without her. It's does happen but it takes time and it's takes work. And great post Missy as usual!
gem111
gem111
Missy,
I feel like ESL is his own worst enemy. He posted that his wife felt loss of passion and felt under his thumb. ESL posted to me, when I posted this-----it's different now.
ESL was the one that came up with the "had kids, lost site of each other" Theme.
I think she did try and tell ESL things weren't right and he totally ignored her, like he has done all along on this thread with everyone who has tried to help him.. Posting to ESL is like posting to a brick wall. He listens to no one. His mind is made up.
He is trying to control his wife to coming back---no matter what. He just can't give her the space SHE wanted
I honestly am so sorry to say this, but it is the truth, and ESL really needs help with communication. There have been so many reasons why he felt she wanted to leave, but none had anything to do with him.
I hope ESL can take this as a learning experience and try to listen to what other people tell him rather than discounting it immediately and do whatever he wants--no matter what.
I lived with a man for 37 years who thought everything that happened was all about him. He died of cancer 12 years ago and I am honestly loving life single. It is so wonderful to do what I want, when I want. I am totally happy without feeling I am under someones thumb.
I do admire his wife for speaking up for herself and telling him-----enough.

I am so sorry for you, ESL, and I hope you will someday feel what
comes out of other peoples mouths and hearts are important.