Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
Check out the book "Attached." The Anxious Avoidant Trap is a cyclical relationship, ups and downs...full of non-commitment in any direction and mixed signals. I actually thought I was so commited, but really once certain conditions were present I couldn't stay commited, I'd try some kind of protesting behavior to "reboot" or "fix" the relationship.
Your attachment method is being decoupled, that's that whole "reach out" feeling and despair. The train is derailing. The engine is failing.
It's better to be sad at this stage and grieve. Try to do it without reaching out or without protesting behavior.
I'm sorry that my tone is not the kindest, but in hindsight when I was going through this, I benefited from stern advice and feedback more.
I guess I still think it takes two to make a marriage work, and it takes two to break it. Yes, there are circumstances where the person leaving is just a gigantic asshole, but a lot of the time, it really does take two. It is not fair to put all the fault on her, and not acknowledge that there may also be fault on ESL also.
ESL, I am truly not trying to blame you. I am truly sad for you, and I hope with all my heart you are able to get past this and realize that there are better day's ahead. It may not seem like it now, but there are. It is just going to take a lot of time and a lot of healing. It is truly up to you how long it takes. Many prayers for peace are coming your way.
It took me over a year after her asking for a divorce and going through many stages myself before I concluded...at this point I also wanted a divorce. She also didn't communicate until she was asking for the divorce...of course we both contributed. I still love her, but not so romantically anymore...and I'm experiencing life much better now.
Sorry man, but keep going.
But now, you tried again, just to hear her voice and / or to see if there could be some semblance you can hold on to. There wasn't. It probably made you feel worse because each of these attempts come with some level of hope otherwise you wouldn't be trying. but ultimately, that gets squashed, again, causing the band-aid to be ripped off again and you to hurt more.
You have to now realize that your efforts are not only making things worse between you and she, but worse for You. I get that you still have those strong feelings inside for her and the relationship you want with her. That alone is not allowing you to be able to accept what has happened, let go and begin the process to move forward. Who you are does not easily allow you to just ignore those feelings quickly. So it does have you putting your feelings before the other persons because at that time you did it, you didn't care. No one cares at that time.
Just like the posts we ALL make when we find ourselves in this situation. I know all of us have read back on those and felt a variety of ways, mostly, we don't even recognize ourselves in those posts cus its usually so out of character for us; probably much like yours. Things that cause us such great hurt doesn't have us thinking in the right frame of mind. I hear what others are saying, but I would disagree that if you read back on these posts, right now, in the state of mind you are in, you will only feel the sorrow you felt then and now. its all still very real and painful. In time tho, you will read back. What I hope you see is that you tried what you did to keep the relationship, that you worked hard to get to a better place and you are now stronger and more confident in yourself and decisions that you can love again with someone who has the same kind of love for you.
stay strong, you will get there.