oh no, please dont miss understand my question... im not asking why as if its a sign of any hope... Im asking why in regards to, her mental state, I mean you moved out, crushed me, destroyed everything, ive spent days crying to her on the phone, begging, expressing how much i love her... She hasn't responded to texts of those nature, I have since stopped and collected myself, atleast when dealing with her... Yet she finds it normal and ok to text me about that. I dont get it.

Same answer. It relieves her guilt and makes her feel not so bad

This is entirely in keeping with her recent behavior. It's all about her. That's why she can ignore your messages but text you about mundane things when it suits her. As Coop stated it's a way of relieving her guilt. Her mother loves you and is not happy with her behavior. Now that you've been included in the gift, she can feel good about herself and she won't have to hear about it on Sunday.

Interesting message from an article i just ready....


Withholding your love is a sure way NOT to get your love back. Usually though, what we are most afraid of is falling flat on our face when we show our partner that we are vulnerable to him or her.
An empowered person realizes that to love is a decision and appreciates that the capacity to MAKE that decision is part and parcel of this newfound power. Even if in the end, there are no guarantees. Real love is realizing that the benefit of loving your partner is greater than the risk of being hurt. Thats what makes your connection so powerful.
What you dont want is a life full of regrets. Stopping yourself from simply loving someone, even if it doesnt work out, may be one of your greatest regrets.

That is a surefire way to a more pain. She already knows how you feel dude and she still left. You need to heal and move on and I can tell you that plan that you just posted is a recipe for disaster.

Let's assume the article is correct for a moment. You've tried that for the last few months while you were living in the house with her and she left anyway. Now what? You've proved your love for her many times over. When do you get to take the "kick me" sign off your back and get on with your life?

I agree with Missy and Coop. This is the perverse thing about human nature. We take for granted the things we have and want what we don't have. She already knows that you love her and as long as you keep reminding her, she'll actually paint herself as the victim. "He's so hooked on me! I just don't know what I can do to shake him!" Can you picture her saying this to people? You stand a better chance if you're tough and let go of her. It may even frighten her when she can no longer count on your adoration. Dare to act detached as if you've already moved on. Is this "playing games"? No. This is you taking care of yourself. Don't do it to get a reaction from her. Do it for yourself. Stop being a victim and move forward.

Ditto to the god advice. You can still lover her, but you need to love and respect yourself right now (and in general). She is not treating you with respect. She simply uses you when it suits her.

So, set some boundaries and stick to them. Teach your children that they should love and respect themselves by demonstrating your respect for yourself and enforcing boundaries that support it. Children learn by observing actions, not by hearing words. They soak it all in when you show them how it seems to be appropriate to be treated in this way. It will become their view of a "normal" relationship.

You state how important a "whole" family was to you. Clearly you identified and took great pride in being a great husband, and a great father. The role of husband is being taken away, and it hurts like hell on top of the normal pain of rejection, etc. You mourn the loss of her, and the loss of your role as husband, and now part-time father. You have to face the reality of this loss - as much wishing that it weren't so, and groveling you can do, it isn't likely to change.

Therefore, the main role you have left is that of father - setting a positive example for your children of how acceptable it is to be treated in certain ways by another person - how many times it is okay to be hurt so much you cry - over and over- and that this is becoming normal and acceptable. They should follow your example and find it acceptable to be hurt repeatedly in their future lives with GF/BF or spouse.

So, please respect yourself and stop the groveling, insist she treat you with the respect you deserve, and limit her ability to cause more hurt and pain. Don't respond to her texts of that nature, not to be mean or anything, but because she redefined your relationship and right now it is confusing and hurtful for you to experience these random bits of "normalcy" that was your prior life. She has to accept the loss of the parts of you she likes since she is rejecting you as a whole (your marriage). As was stated, she gets to have her cake and eat it to - and at great personal cost to you - more crying, more confusion. She holds all the cards and knows it. She wants what she wants from you when she wants it - but nothing else - nothing you want in return will be granted unless it suits her.

She wants help with financing surgery, help with recovery, help with her mother and a joint gift to ease guilt, and so on.

I'm so sorry she has done this to you and to your children and your sense of "family," but she has. While you can remain receptive to reconciliation, you already told her that a hundred times. Its all been said. So, if you must, say it one last time, but say it as "I love you and want our family whole, but I will not be at your beck and call and don't want confusing contact and messages because I owe it to myself and the kids to heal and that doesn't help me heal. Therefore, I must set boundaries that respect myself, facilitate healing and model self-respect to my children. If you ever decide you really want to try and make it work again, and want to "commit" to doing so, please call me. Short of that, I wish you the best and will be a fair and amicable in co-parenting, but that is where I must draw the line on contact for now. When I heal and feel whole without you, I may be able to entertain a friendship or other relationship, but not now. Please give me that respect and honor my boundaries, and I will also honor yours."

It is the only way to model healthy behavior for your children, gain self-respect, begin healing and to move forward. Otherwise, you are stuck in a cycle of wallowing in the pity pit and teaching your kids that it is the right way to cope with loss.

I'm sorry if this sounds in any way harsh or blunt, but my heart bleeds for you day after day seeing your updates as you stay stuck, and as she moves forward. Best wishes.

She finds it normal because she emotionally adapted that way and you have not and that is all there is to it.

ok esl, you are correct, it is noble to love someone so much that you have to blow smoke up your own ass to obscure the twisted nature of loving someone so shallow
i applaud your set of lungs, gottta have a depth of breath to blow smoke so proficiently

man if you were my brother, i'd be sick with worry, dude read the psycho crap that you write , you pontificate in order to keep yourself from actually hearing what you say, because you don't want to know that you are bullshitting yourself

you are afraid of the reality - no shame in that, you deny the reality to yourself - STOP

ESL, I am in the same situation as you. I've read all my posts from day one last weekend when she left and realized how pathetic I sounded on many of my posts and replies to comments on my posts.

I suggest you take some time and do the same and see if you find yourself sounding pathetic, especially the posts on this thread (491 and counting)! You will see that more than half of those comments/replies are the EXACT same things, just the same advice and the same "I'm so devastated. Why oh why?" Over and over again.

You know exactly what you need to do, it's been suggested hundreds of times already. Bottom line is:
*Our wives left us. It doesn't matter why anymore, they up and left.

*They don't really give a shit about our feelings, anything they say that remotely seems like they still care is just them trying to feel better and to relieve them in some sick way of guilt (again it's about them, not us).

*We need to accept the facts and "man up."

*Stop feeling sorry for ourselves.

*Move forward, as we have NO choice but to do so. Continue to be a good father.

I am in pain, heart broken, devastated and all that sad shit, just like you. Yes, I still post about my feelings and update what's going on this forum as a form of therapy for me. Not sure why, but posting makes me feel better. What I leaned most being on this forum is to NOT let my wife continue to control me and my emotions. She doesn't deserve to have that power over me. You shouldn't let your wife have that much power over you as well.

Dude, it's time to get your testicles back!!!

I read the first page of this...sadly I've lived it, though my explanation was "she fell into depression." Here I am two years later and divorce is close to going through.

She has emotionally been considering other partners, hopefully not physically but it doesn't matter. You'll never be back to what you were, I'm terribly sorry. I tried for seven years after seven years of marriage. I had to be real with myself and quit being a martyr.

Best of luck.

Not sure what to say... I thank you all for the advise and imput, None of you are wrong... I have been foolish, and i have been hung on hope, I guess a part of me still is... Im in love with her, I miss her, and I wish she was home... thats really all i can say right now. Ive been crying less, so i guess thats a win... but i still cry... Dont know what else to say really. Thank you all.

Hey. It has been 4 months going on five months for me and I still cry. But it happens less and less. You sound like you are doing a lot better. Take that as a victory. Even if it seems small.

ESL hang in there. You do sound a bit better.

You and I will be going through this painful process together over the coming months. I may be one step ahead only because I gave up on hope the day she told me she wanted the divorce (16 days ago). I could see it in her cold eyes, think back on how little she put into marriage counseling, look at all the cheating red flags, the utter lack of affection, and I knew for sure it was over. It's still incredibly hard to deal with, but I know it's true.

So I hope you can get to this point soon. It's no promised land, but it's the start of trying to take back your own life/mind/sanity.

Every day is still a rollercoaster. I have moments where I feel a little optimism and I am seeing more clearly who she has become, and why she is despicable. But I have a lot of challenges ahead.

You and I share the toughest challenge of all: co-parenting. My sister has been through this and she gave me some tough love since we are about to tell my daughter about the divorce. She said to start practicing doing the right thing for my daughter. You can't bad-mouth the ex, blame the ex, etc. Your child(ren) are sometimes going to say how much fun they had or what a great person the ex is, and at some point (probably soon for me) they are going to say what fun they had with the ex and . That will be brutal. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to face it. I only hope I'm in a bit better state when it happens.

But we have no choice. Work on you. Exercise, any bit of self-improvement you can muster to build your confidence back. Sometimes I can do this; others I have no will to do it. But then I get back up, eventually.

Don't lose your job! I have been a bit negligent and need to get my work output up a bit. Imagine a job search at this time?!

Focus on you. And your kids. Ignore her as much as you can. We still live together. I don't even look at her unless I have to. Fortunately I have my office I can retreat to. We talk very little and only about our daughter or some other necessary arrangement. It is still awful. I need to get out. Consider yourself lucky that she has moved out.

Hang in there. Cry when you need to, but try to embrace the anger too. You need to realize how poorly you've been treated - make her own that shitty treatment of you in your mind. SHE did this, not you! Read back through these comments and pay close attention to when people point out things that she did to you that were, frankly, cruel or self-serving. There are a lot of them. Make a list of them. Read it and get angry.

Be strong, whenever you can manage it.