Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
brittany8
brittany8
Everyone has their story... That is why we are here. I am sorry for the pain that everyone is in. No-one has walked in my shoes either. Excluding abuse, my personal feelings toward marraige are this: You promised till death. You brought children into this world. Then you wake up and go"Eh", I really don't want this anymore. We all have responsibilities. And now, one walks away, leaving the other devestated. Sorry, I don't accept from from stbx- Feelings changed. I have had many times felt that my life would be easier or different if I wasn't married. But the thought of breaking up my family stopped that thought. And I learned to accept my husband for what he was. He just could not accept me. Than, he should not have gotten married. Just how I feel........
sja
sja
So you would want someone to stay with you who doesn't want you, so you don't hurt? I think you deserve better than that. Everyone does.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
Those who are not committed should add "unless I just don't feel it anymore" to their marriage vows. Should children worry love for them is not guaranteed because it is "fluid" and can change? The sacrifices made by parents because of a decision to be committed to the well-being of their children forges a bond. Yes that bond instill "feelings", and it does so in the same way enduring difficulties in a marriage will evolve IN LOVE into TRUE LOVE. ESL12 has true love for his wife but she is focused only on the chaotic 'in love" feelings. My moral compass says he is right and good while she is thoughtlessly hurting others around her. She is also teaching her children to perpetuate the cycle.

Unfortunately ESL12 cannot control her, so he must look out for himself and children. I know from your posts that your family will be there for you. Let them. Blessings brother.
ESL12
ESL12
Shouldn't it be my decision is the love she has to offer me is enough? I get feelings change, its part of the ups and downs of marriage... But we were madly inlove, we got married, and started a family... Then our second child was born who was difficult, at the same time her parents divorced after 40 years, and her father's emotional abandonment of her roared its head... All of those outside factors affected her emotional state, and made her scared of commitment... Does that mean our family should be destroyed, that there is no love... She has stated, she has alot of love for me, and cares deeply for me, but this is what she needs... Well i dont understand it... Ive been by her side through everything, I love her and want her, i am in love with her, and yes I deserve to be loved, and i deserve better then i am getting now, but shouldn't that be my decision if she is enough for me or not?
lisainthevalley
lisainthevalley
I think you are to be commended for keeping the peace while you and your wife are under the same roof and for being a devoted family man. This all says great things about your character! But I also have to agree with kbbcoop77, you're allowing her to have her cake and eat it too , explore a separate life without leaving the comforts of the marriage. This should all change with separation. Then you can distance yourself. She doesn't yet feel a sense of loss because she hasn't lost anything yet. If she wants out so badly, leave her to her new life and the new guy (who may or may not exist). Only then will she understand what she is losing and maybe want to deal with the issues.
lisainthevalley
lisainthevalley
I'm afraid I didn't read the recent posts carefully. It seems you ARE separated now? Painful but so much better. You can start healing now. It's even possible that your marriage can heal. I have a close friend who was seperated from his wife three years into the marriage with a small child. He moved far away and started a new life. A year later they were back together and are still happily married. ..42 years later.
Missy73
Missy73
ESL you do get to decide if the love she has to offer is enough. The cogent point is that she gets to make the same determination and has decided that the answer is "no." I know it's incredibly tempting to spend your time wondering about why your spouse isn't willing to work on things and honor her vows but it's not productive. You are never going to get the objective truth. Even if she attempted to give you an answer, it would be based on how she views the things that have transpired with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.

SJA was right when she advised that you stop listening to your therapist and your wife's family with respect to her confusion. She may be confused about her feelings or it the confusion just may be about how to extricate herself from the marriage without hurting you. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. She has taken definitive action and you need to do the same. Instead of focusing on your love for her, focus on loving yourself and doing the the things necessary to help you heal from this situation.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
It just sounds likes she did the classic sabatoging her own relatiinship and was determined to leave you before you left her and if she convinced herself you will ultimately leave her then there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise no matter how much love you have for her. Thats my view on it anyway but she has to come to you and if you are waiting for her to change her mind then you need to factor in your ultimate torment in waiting for someone who seems like they really are moving on without you. Many Hugs. Take care.
ESL12
ESL12
Honestly.. I dont know what im doing anymore, I dont know what i want, I dont know who I am.... I know I love her alot, I know i love my kids, and I know having my family whole was always my biggest joy in life. Now its torn apart, family and friends split, time with my kids in half, the love of my life, my best friend, the mother of my kids gone and emotionally missing... I want to take up one morning and hate her, and not look back, but right now my heart is still hers, I still love her, and i still want her back. My head knows I can't do anything about it, I know this is on her, I know only she can right this ship if thats even possible. im at a loss. Call me weak, call me in love, call me strong, it doesn't matter to me... right now she is gone and i wake up everymorning wishing she was next to me.
lisainthevalley
lisainthevalley
It's perfectly normal to feel that way. Even with the healthiest outlook, it's just going to hurt for a while. I think that's why we call it a broken heart, because it feels like a serious injury....but even the pain is part of the healing process.
ESL12
ESL12
I have to see her this evening when she picks up the kids, i just know im going to cry... I dont know how to avoid it... I have so much to say, all things ive said a million times... how much i love her, beg her not to do this, I know its the last thing i should do... I pray i can hold it in....

Her Mom also reached out to me today, feels terrible for me and wants to meet for dinner to talk... I dont know if I should or not. I always view her as a mom to me, and she has said i will also be a son to her.. I know ill be seeing her through out time for functions with my kids etc... but doing dinner with just her im sure will just be a night of crying to her.
Missy73
Missy73
You've experienced a devastating loss and no one expects you to turn off your feelings overnight. Seeing your wife tonight will be hard but you need to hold it together. Your kids will be present and this is a difficult enough time for them. Seeing you cry will just cause them more stress and anxiety. It's also a matter of self-respect. She just took a sledgehammer to your life. Why continually show her that she hold all the power over you? You stated that all things you want to tell her have been said before. She's not interested. The more emotion you show, the more anxious she's going to be to out of your presence. It's going to hurt you even more when you start seeing the dread on her face whenever you have to exchange the kids.

With respect to your mother-in-law, see her when you're emotionally ready. I was very close with mine but I had to tell her that I couldn't cope with maintaining a relationship with her when my husband moved out because it took resources that I just didn't have at the time.
ESL12
ESL12
So, yet another moment of just not understanding all this... Her and I have only spoke over the last few days about the kids, a schedule, and what time she is picking them up today... earlier in the week i sent her a long text essentially begging and saying how much i loved her etc.. with no response. I know I shouldn't have sent it, and have since held back..... Today though, she just texted me asking me what she should get her Mom for mothers day????? I responded with a suggestions and she said she was thinking the same thing... I asked if she was including me on the gift or if I should get my own, she said she was including me. and that was that... Why ask me, and why include me... I dont understand all this.
pspeed12
pspeed12
that is a large part of the problem my husband and I had. We are separated now and waiting on the divorce to be final. We only had one child. But with all the issues we had, that one was big.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Why is she asking you about her mothers day gift? Because it relieves her guilt to do so. Over time you will see this. Believe me it's all about her now. You need to stop questioning why why why all the time.. I mean she's moved out what else is there to ponder?