Those feelings of strength you felt last night? EMBRACE those, they happen more and more. It's not called a roller coaster for nothing. Spending time with family, feeling some strength while laughing with family, snuggling with your kids...these are all great tools for healing. It's not overnight, it's a long slog but it DOES HAPPEN. You will get better, believe me. Take care! There's already some positives.

I hope so... feels like this wll last for ever... Since i got home last thursday, I was calling her crying, and texting and begging everday... it has now been 24 hours since i last spoke to her, If it wasn't for the kids, Id prefer to not speak to her at all or even see her right now, but i have no choice. I have the kids till wed, then at some point i have to talk to and or see her, I hope i can keep it together for that.

You have to keep it together. No more pleading or begging believe me that makes you look so weak to her. You have to be strong. Keep it all about the kids for now. Everythng else will be dealt with in time. My wife left 14 months ago and we only communicate via email or text and only about our daughter. She's 18 though so it is easier but the pain was the same. 24 years together and boom she wanted out. Eventually you will come to the realization how bad she hurt you and you won't want her back. Think how many people break up every day and eventually everyone moves on, the brain figures it out and the heart catches up. It just does.

Well. there goes the 24 hours.... She called me and emailed me, to create a schedule for the rest of the month with the kids, who is bringing them where and what days they are staying where... I responded the email with 3 changes i wanted... she called to discuss them, I was short, and direct and quiet. She agreed to all the changes i requested and redid the schedule. I sat in silence till she said good bye... I just said ok bye and hung up. I cried right after, but not on the phone with her. I guess thats a small victory.

Hell yes that's a small victory!! Don't let her see you effected by her. Show her you are an awesome father. Feel good about that small victory. One day at a time.

Well done! Very well done! Proud of ya!

That's terrific progress. You should be proud of yourself.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Lao Tzu

ESL12, I am sorry for you pain. I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you are going through this. I have read most of this, but it is really long. I strongly feel the need to say a few things. They are probably going to hurt, but I need to say them.

I was in your STBX's spot. Granted I didn't put my ex through the emotional torture you have been going through, as he moved in with his mom a month after I told him I wanted a divorce, and that was only because I was our daughter's primary care giver. I offered to do the alternating schedule to keep her in the house so she didn't have to leave, but he did not want that, he wanted to be with his family for support.

Your wife is not, and has not been confused since the day she told you she wanted to separate. I don't care what your therapist or the marriage counselor has said. She has been trying to be your friend because she doesn't want to see you hurt. She doesn't want to feel sad, and she doesn't want to feel guilt, because she never intended to be the one ending the marriage. She is not sad for the same reasons you are sad. She is sad because she didn't think the marriage would end, not because she is grieving the end of your relationship. She has already checked out and grieved the end of the relationship, long before she told you she wanted out. She has moved on. You have not, and she is trying to make it easier on you, even though the reality is it is making is a lot harder on you. She is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. If she is nice to you, you interpret hope. If she is cold and distant, you get upset and want to discuss stuff, when in reality, to you STBX, there is nothing to discuss, she's done. I really need you to realize that she hurt over the end of your marriage, you just didn't see it. She grieved the end and you probably didn't even know it. At least that was the case in the end of my marriage. I grieved the end of my marriage years before I announced the earth shattering news to my ex that I wanted out. The sadness I felt was from hurting him. I can't repeat this enough. I loved my ex, but I was not in love with him. I did not want to see him hurt because it hurt me, but I was not hurt the relationship was over. I had already grieved that loss. I REPEAT-I had already grieved that loss. You need to come to terms with that in regards to your STBX. SHE HAS ALREADY GRIEVED THAT LOSS! Your STBX does not want to see you hurt.

For the record, I did everything I could to not emotionally torture my EX. I did not have sex with him. I tried not to be overly affectionate to him, but I did do some of the same things she did. Asked about his day, sent him pictures of our daughter. I did these things out of habit, and because I felt so horrid for hurting someone I really did care about. I cared about him, and I did love him, but I was not in love with him anymore.

Get your boundaries set up. Keep your boundaries up. She is going to try and crash through them, but not because she wants to work it out, but because some of it is habit, and some of it is guilt. She doesn't want to face the guilt, but eventually she is going to have to. I did. Your are going to have to deal with the death of a relationship, she is going to have to deal with being the cause of it, and believe me, she can only run away from it for a little while, but she is going to have to deal with it eventually.

Buck up. You are hurting, but you will get through this. My ex and I had to get through it and realize the new normal in our relationship. My ex and I help each other in regards to our daughter, we care about each other and can talk about things that are outside of the realm of our daughter, but it took years. We are friends and care about each others well being. IT TOOK YEARS. You two are not even remotely near the point of being at that point. My ex and I are friends, and when it comes to caring for our daughter, he is my best friend, and I his, but AGAIN, it took YEARS.

Hang in there. You will be ok. I promise.

Also, I know there are a lot of people on here are the ones in the position of being left, not the ones doing the leaving. I hope I do not get a lot of attacking over my post, but it was just as hard for me to do the leaving, it just came at a different time for me than it did my ex.

Sja interesting perspective thanks for sharing it, I suspect that's why my ex will still want to "check in" with me now and then since she left me and our daughter. I'm sure she does feel guilty and it has taken these 14 months to begin to catch up to her emotionally. I still keep my boundaries up for the most part. Maybe years from now that will change, but she cheated so I'm in no big hurry to be her friend. I'm just satisfied that I'm not where I was in the early days, it is hell to get through but time and taking care of yourself really does heal.

#439
stop crying, stop, it is great that you love her and that you'll be a sad sack forever because you love her

YOU owe your kids better, healing is hard but if you choose to be a sorrow filled man, you'll cheat your kids out of a daddy

wake up to that now!

Hi, coop. I'm sorry your wife had an affair. There were no affairs in my marriage. There was no other person that was a factor. There was no abuse, either, but there was neglect on both our parts. We simply grew apart, and when I asked for counseling-for the 3rd time, as we'd been to marriage counseling two other times before throughout marriage-and my ex said no, I knew there was nothing I could do anymore to fix what was broken. I knew, though, that if I didn't end it then, I would go searching for happiness, and I didn't want my marriage to end with the damage an affair could bring.

A few comments.

First, is this the longest running topic ever on this forum? I haven't been on here long. ESL, I think it is a testament to your will and the Herculean effort you put into trying to restore your marriage that this topic has continued for so long. But you just cannot change what you cannot change. Kudos to you for giving more than most mortals can to try to make it happen. Now accept that it is over. I'm not too far along my horrible path, but the one thing I have done is accept that it is over.

Second, ESL. I recently read that the people who are most hurt long-term by divorce are the ones who don't get angry - the ones who are only depressed. I am certainly feeling depressed at times, but there is a mix of anger in there. I am with coop in saying that you need to embrace that anger. Realize that you were treated poorly. Realize that you deserve better. Do not blame yourself for all of this. Do not put her on an unwarranted pedestal. The anger is self-preservation. We need it.

Third, SJA. I certainly will not attack you for your honest perspective. Here's the part of your comment that hit me hardest:
" I grieved the end of my marriage years before I announced the earth shattering news to my ex that I wanted out. The sadness I felt was from hurting him. I can't repeat this enough. I loved my ex, but I was not in love with him. I did not want to see him hurt because it hurt me, but I was not hurt the relationship was over. I had already grieved that loss."

I feel like you could be my STBX. When you did your early grieving for the marriage, did you communicate what was going on with your husband? I feel so blindsided because my wife NEVER communicated anything to me. I knew things weren't great, but I had no idea they were DIVORCE bad. No communication. Just a lot of passive aggressive friction sent my way. And then all of a sudden it's over and she's moved on years ago. WTF? Of course I have no idea what happened in your situation. But this is what it feels like to be in mine. Thanks for sharing.

"I feel like you could be my STBX. When you did your early grieving for the marriage, did you communicate what was going on with your husband? I feel so blindsided because my wife NEVER communicated anything to me. I knew things weren't great, but I had no idea they were DIVORCE bad. No communication. Just a lot of passive aggressive friction sent my way."

This is my experience exactly. She didn't sit me down and look me in the eye and say "I am getting really close to leaving you, we need to talk"...after 14 months of exploring my breakup and other breakups this seems really common for women to "suffer in silence" but their perspective seems to be they gave enough hints that things have to change. This is the paradox. Men don't see that. From what I've learned men need that ultimatum. But we usually don't get that, we get the "I'm done" speech. But I've learned from this. To recognize red flags. To communicate. Looking back we were both miserable. But I was content and thought she was too but she admitted she had been thinking the split for a couple years and looking back i think it was just based on her comments. I just didn't realize it was fatal. But it was, and looking back and learning I can see why. So this is valuable info for me if I choose to get back on the horse again. Not ready yet, I'm actually enjoying my freedom now. But there was so many red flags
I either didn't see, didn't want to see or didn't care to see. We were both culpable in the end of the relationship but it really had to end it wasn't working and right now I'm a better person.

Thank you SJA, your perspective is insightful... I do see some similarities to my wifes, but there were also very different patterns and events... Her own family told me she is confused..., and throughout the last few months, she had moments of coming back. We also didn't do much thereapy, total of 6 months, but 4 of them with a bad therapist that we both didn't like, and then once we found one that was making progress, she decided she didn't want to go anymore. I to question, why not communicate feelings when the feelings occur? Doing what she has done the last 6 months is far more damaging then anything else in our relationship... if there were issues they were small ones that could have been addressed if discussed.

ESL, believe what you need to believe, but you are only prolonging the pain. You need to accept it and stop listening to everyone else and start listening to her words and actions. I'm going to use a little tough love here, and you are not going like it. There is no amount of therapy you could do. There is no amount of therapy you need too have done for her to come to her decision. There may not have been major issues YOU knew of. The fact of the matter is, she HAS made her decision. She IS done. SHE has told you every which way she can kindly that it is over. You need to accept this. Our situations are way more similar than you think, you just don't know mine, but I've read yours. You can continue to deny, but it is not going to change the outcome. Your STBXs actions mirror mine, and I can tell you, just as I'm sure she can, the decision has been made and there is no changing it no matter how much you cry, beg, plead and hope. You need to get pissed. You need to stop crying, and you need to let go of any thoughts of hope for reconciliation. Keep hanging on, if you must, but you will eventually look back and regret it. My ex does.