I dont believe in anything anymore, I dont really have much hope either... I do have love for her, in fact im not ashamed to say despite all this, I am still very much in love with her... Im aware this doesn't change things... Your right when you say she has made her decision, your right when you say having hope will only pain me, and anger will help me prevail... But here is what i question.. We make decisions everyday in life, some small some large, some right some wrong... Just as it was her decision to leave, she could also make the decision to come back. I dont expect that decision, I dont have much hope for that decision.... but my i ask you as someone in her shoes so to speak... why is that the decision to leave is so final? Why is it that its the only option? Why is it easier for her or you to throw away 10 years , a family and the make the lifes of a 4 yr old and 2 yr old so much more difficult, rather then work on issues that may be easily worked on? Communicate, and make your marriage better then it ever was? Im not saying its a gaurantee... but a marriage filled with joy and happiness for so long, and then puff.. throw it away without actually communicating and trying to do what is necessary to work on it? Thats the biggest part i dont understand... Ive read tons of articles and many are success stories of dommed marriages that are revived, and the outcome is far better then the marriage ever was... and sure, there are others that didn't work... but why is it not worth trying, especially when your talking about a marriage with no affairs, no drugs, no fighting, no abuse, no finacial issues, none of the typical red flags for divorce....

Do I have hope... not anymore, do I still have a desire to have my wife back, have my family whole.. Yes... if that makes me a fool so be it. I can not deny my feelings, I married her because i was inlove with her, I had kids with her because i am in love with her, and that is something that will take a very long time to get out of my system. Im not ashamed to say she is my world.. I cherished her, and if i knew what was wrong early, i would have moved mountains for her. all I needed was the chance.

Because people change. Because circumstances change. Because love changes and is fluid. Because there is no guarantee in anything, even love. She may not know why her feelings changed. I don't know why mine did. No one here doubts you love her. She does not doubt you love her. Something in her changed and hardened her heart to you. Yes, marriage can come back and be wonderful and better than ever, but both people have to want it. At this moment she does not want it. She wants to move on. You need to start taking those steps to move on. I have been in your shoes also. Consumed with so much love for a person and not understanding why or how their feelings changed, but the fact is, they did. Are you a reader? Please get the book, "Getting Past Your Breakup". Everything I've ever learned about dealing with a breakup came from that book. In fact, the author lives in NYC. You need this book more than anyone I know to help you. Please pick it up.

Thanks SJA, I will look into that book, hopefully its on amazon... as far as love changing, i get it, feelings change, love changes etc... But what about the marriage the vows, good times and bad, again i question, if love can change for the worst, why can't it change for the best? What would make someone just give up... I just can't wrap my head around that concept... and i guess thats what makes people different... till death do us part, doesn't mean every day or week is peaches and cream, but it does mean you do everything to keep it as love will be tested throughout, you find a way to persevere... Thats my perspective anyway, maybe im crazy, I dunno.

You want answers to questions that no one can give you. No one generally goes into a marriage saying, "in 10 years I'm going to change my mind". Vows are a promise, sometimes promises are broken. Having the answers is not going to change how you feel, she feels or what is happening. You need to let those questions go. Sometimes there just are no answers. Sometimes it just is what it is. You need to make your peace with that. The sooner you do, the sooner you will start to heal. We've all had to let go with unanswered questions. Closure does not come from the other person. It comes from you.

Nothing is guaranteed, not even marriage and vows.

Here's the link to the book on amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/1491575433

"Why can't it change for the best?" Because one or both parties were unwilling and that is a simple a truthful answer in my opinion.. I do understand the questioning because lots of people would like answers.

all you have to really come to realize is that it is not your fault. It really isn't your fault. There really is no need to blame yourself. The only thing you can do is move forward to brighter things. Peace to you

* note.....i meant in any ending marriage one or both parties became unwillingto do the work. "Why would people just give up?" The answer I have come up with is so the preserve themselves.

"but why is it not worth trying, especially when your talking about a marriage with no affairs, "

This is still unknown. The chances are high she has her sights on somebody else. As painful as it is I have found this to be the reality in most cases if not all. Maybe it's just emotional now but I'm afraid you're going to have to face that truth.

Coop, I don't know that I agree with that. I didn't have my sites on someone else, I met the man I dated for a long time after my separation and divorce filing. She may or may not have someone else, but her abruptly leaving doesn't mean that there was. She just could be done, and want to find her own happiness, that she feels has been missing.

I believe the reason most people who quit a relationship with no looking back when the other is not doing anything harmful to them or the relationship is because to look back would be an admittance that they were doing something wrong. Of course they are doing something wrong, but by ignoring everything you stated as a possible solution they can try to convince themselves that it was destiny or date or they fell out of love or people just change or WHATEVER THEY CAN USE AS A BS EXCUSE! They are wrong and they don't want to allow themselves to see the truth for what it is.

Trying to move on has nothing to do with her or what is right, but everything to do with healing. You are burning in a fire and the only way to save yourself is to move away from it. Staying in it to burn makes you just as responsible as what is burning you. I am so sorry. I wish there were something to help. Only you can help yourself now. I pray you will. Know that moving on to a better life for yourself does not diminish the good years you had together, but It does give you the opportunity to have more and possibly even better years ahead. God bless you. You are in my prayers.

Attraction, chemistry, crushes, those are feelings. Love has a feeling component but it is much more than that. It is based on a decision... A commitment, even when the feelings don't come easy.

SJA
vows are much more than promises

vows aren't for better or worse ... or until i change my mind

"anyone whose word means nothing is nothing"...Chedley T. Cooperington

@refurb

you are right. Some people use the excuse that they need to find there own happiness. Yet, when you get married don't you give up the "I's" for "Us"??? I have come to accept what my husband did to me, but I will never say, "Hey, Im glad we are not together, no go find your own happiness".... I will worry about the kids

I am not trying to justify or make excuses. I am not trying to say whose right or wrong. I don't know. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Feelings change. Things change. I've done it, and I've had it happen to me. I don't like seeing someone hurting, and ESL is hurting. He is going round and round waiting for his STBX to change. Waiting for her to stop being confused. Waiting for her to see the light. I would rather see him grow and move on and find someone who can love him (when he is ready) the way he deserves, rather than hold a flame for the rest of his life for someone who doesn't deserve it. I felt the same way about my ex husband. I didn't love him the way he deserved anymore. My feelings changed. He deserved someone who did. Call it changing my mind, but until you have walked a day in my marriage, you don't know the factors that eventually led to it. I'm sorry, but sometimes things just change.