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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
Missy73
Missy73
Your anxiety about going home is perfectly understandable. It is undoubtedly going to be hard. While your wife may have abandoned you, you still have children, family, friends and your DS family. The pain of going home may seem insurmountable but I promise you will survive it. If you haven't already done so, try to schedule an appointment with your therapist so she can help you work through the transition period with you.
ESL12
ESL12
I came home yesterday and all though i knew what i would walk in to, seeing it crushed me... I lost it, cried for hours, still crying on and off today. I dont eve know if i can stay in the house, seeing her empty closet and furniture missing hurts more then i can even express. Im so lost right now. I want my family whole, I want my wife, My kids, I want my marriage. im devistated, I dont know what to do with myself. i can't focus, I can't think of anything other then her. I love her so much, im so lost...
ChiTownBear
ChiTownBear
Im sorry dude...

*bro hug*
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
It pains me more than I can say to read these developments. Through the emotions you've expressed in your posts, it is evident you are a truly solid husband and father. She is tragically wrong to push you away and permanently scar your precious family. Sorry for the bitterness in this post but your story is so very similar to mine though drastically different in outcome... So far. You are in my prayers.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Well now you know what kind of person she really is. She's not the woman you married. She took advantage of you before her surgery and well after as you nursed her to health. And she still dumped you.

Time to grieve a little but then get strong for your kids. You're their father and they are going to need you strong in their lives. I have zero sympathy for your ex, and believe me it helps to reach the anger stage sooner rather than later. She made her choice let her see how life is without you. She is not your friend. You need to get to that mindset and believe me it helps. What she did is cold hearted and it would behoove you to realize it and think about how you're going to deal with the future without her. If I were you I would be incensed with small kids involved.
gem111
gem111
I totally agree with coop.
You now have to put your kids first and be the best Dad you can be.
You owe it to them. Their needs come first, so you need to be strong and start thinking how blessed you are to have those beautiful
children instead of thinking you have nothing. Your children deserve that.
Good luck.
tailspin916
tailspin916
Too fucking creepy. Your situation compared to mine so different yet so similar. The timing when our wives told us they wanted a separation (January) and the date they moved out (late April), eerily the same. Both wives strung us along with false hope, also eerily similar. Both wives, from an outsider's perspective, used us, again eerie.

Differences: You have kids together, my wife and I were a blended family, but no kids together. Ummm, basically that's the only difference.

Perhaps we both should play the lottery and become multimillionaires at the same time.

Sorry to joke around, it's been a hellish 2015 so far. I just figured this year was off to a bad start, so it should only get better.......I hope.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
A quote for you
Irish Curses

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping

because even if you cant chuckle a little then maybe
a bit later.


But i am very sorry for your pain
ESL12
ESL12
Thank you all. I agree with you but my heart is hurting. I can't stop crying. Everything in this house reminds me of her. I love her so much and shouldn't but I do. I'm complexity lost. I'll have the kids this afternoon for a few days. I hope I can be the father they deserve. I want her back. I want my family whole. She and the kids are my world. I'm lost without her
broken234
broken234
Having the kids will be tough right now. Realize this and do something low key with them. Let them play and take a few moments to interact with them on their level. Just let them be kids and try to push all negative thoughts out of your head. I had a difficult time at first. I often felt nauseous, anxiety ridden, felt like crying. But you can keep it together if you just keep telling yourself it is what your kids need. They need to know you are ok. You may not be the outgoing super fun dad that they have seen before all of this, but they just need to interact with you. Just be present in this moment with them. Make it about them. It does get easier. You will find the strength to do this for them. You are a good dad. Show them that it is ok, even when it is not.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
If I were you I would lawyer up and start getting proactive. Take your power back. Don't wait for her. She made up her mind, you need to get aggressive. Don't cave in to her crap, don't give away the farm to her. Time to man up for yourself and your kids. She's kept you on her string long enough.
ESL12
ESL12
I don't know how I'm going to do this. The pain only seems to get worse as the days go on. I have the kids now. I'm doing my best but still walk away to cry. I miss my wife so much. I feel as if I'm nothing without her. I love more and more as I miss her. How can I feel this way about someone who caused me so much pain.
broken234
broken234
Hang in there ESL. It will get easier. I still love my husband too after every mean action and every mean word. That love doesn't go away. It's just a love of the person we once had not the person they have become. It got better for me. It just takes time. At least you know the false hope is over. Mine just called me late last night to tell me he still sees us reconciling even though he was on his way home from work where the OW was waiting for him. This begins your healing. It's going to be tough at first but if it's getting better for me it will get better for you. A good friend on here pointed out how much progress I have made. It is easy to lose sight of that when your pain is in the moment. You will look back six months from now and see that you will make progress too.
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
Have hope @ESL. The worst is almost over. It will peak the next few weeks, and then you will begin to heal. You will gain perspective which you can't see right now through the pain. As others have said, focus on the children - interacting with them and showing them what a caring dad you are, and you are as indicated from all your posts. Understand that they will also be confused and hurting. Understand that your stbx did this. Don't badmouth her, but do find your perspective and it is okay to feel angry. Right now, you are drowning in sorrow as you have completely lost your sense of self through this ordeal. You must find yourself again. You are a good person, a good father. That doesn't end just because she walked away. If you are a person of faith, know that your Heavenly Father and Mother love you and you are very important to them.

You have to let go, and while it won't happen overnight, you will find yourself and come out stronger than you ever thought you could be. Your children will appreciate the rock you will be in their life, and your love for them.

**Man Hugs** Be well.
ESL12
ESL12
Thank you all... Yesterday afternoon and evening i felt some strength, I spent time with the kids, played, and took them to my uncles to hang wth family... I laughed a lil, and started to feel some anger towards her... I went to bed with my daughter in bed with me, she wouldn't let go of me, and i decided i needed her as much as she needed me so i let her sleep with me. But this morning i felt the sadness return.. I cried again, and have fought myself this morning from reaching out to my wife, I know it will be pointless right now, so im trying hard not to. I still feel like my whole world is torn apart.. pieces everywhere and no idea how to pick them up... I can't understand any of this and I miss her.