I truly hope she is moved out by the time you get home. I actually feel it will take that for you to start to accept things. I am not sure that you will be able to truly come to terms with it until there is no other option really left.

I can understand you felt she was your soulmate but I would have to disagree because anyone who truly is your soulmate would not have used you and then discarded you. Have a safe trip.

I hope you have made your way to Ireland. ENJOY your trip...even if you have to force yourself.

If she isn't out by the time you get back, I hope you have a plan. I hope for your sake she is. Her attitude about all this totally sucks. She's trying not to be the bad guy but that ship already sailed.

I thought my ex-husband was my soul mate too...we grew up together (were high school sweethearts). He was my LIFE. Getting over the breakup of the marriage was no picnic but I can say now I am happier than I ever was in the marriage...I just didn't know it at the time. And, wouldn't you know it...I actually DID find my soul mate. Whom I love more than any other man ever in life. I believe HE is the one God destined me to be with...it just took some time to find him.

Why do I say all this?

Because you don't know what your life has in store. Your marriage is over because your wife wants it to be. No amount of bones she throws your way is going to make her the good person here. There's nothing you can do to change that.

Life is precious. Every day is a gift. I have lived through two separate cancer diagnoses and other serious health problems. NOTHING is worth throwing your life away for. Not any person on this Earth is worthy of this. Be thankful you are healthy and have two beautiful children who call you daddy. You have far more than many...appreciate it.

She's not your bff...she's the cause of this pain...so how could you expect she'd be the solution?

I hope one of these days soon you will quit doing this shit to yourself. We are all here because we have been through, or are going through, the same thing. Listen to those of us who have years of healing under our belt. We aren't talking out of our asses here...we've learned (oftentimes the hard way). You're fortunate to have this sort of support. Once you start to listen, you'll begin your healing. You did GOOD by saying no to the movie but then turned around and had a date at a wedding. OMG dude, what are you doing?

Hopefully this time in Ireland gives you the distance and strength you must have in order to stand up for yourself. There is no way you can continue doing what you've been doing. NO way.

Good luck to you, really.

There are all kinds of love nd support. The nice and comforting support, the "go ahead and cry and get it out" support, and then there is tough love. Usually, people will start off with the nice and comforting love, but as time goes on, and they see that person continue to drown and not try to grab any life support, the love becomes tough. Which is where I think this thread has led to; altho refurb may just be being mean. (kidding)

But you know what you need to do, you have known all along regardless of her little shows of care she threw and is stillthrowing your way. I don't get the invite to the movies tho. As someone who wants to end the marriage its hard for me to wrap my head around her wanting to spend time with you. I can get the "guilt" reasoning some used, but still, if someone wants to separate or end a marriage / relationship, they usually do not want to spend time with the other person, regardless of whatever guilt they feel.

I'd have to disagree with refurb when he said "she doesn't see her role.." I believe she does see her role. I believe she knows exactly what she is doing behind your back and feels totally bad for what she has done already, is doing and wants to do. When a woman makes the decision to leave, you can bet she has been thinking about it for a long time and if there was confusion on her part, she wouldn't leave. Separation is just another way she is prolonging "trying to hurt you" or she is not sure where this other relationship will leave so she knows shes' got a good back up with you in the wings. I just wonder if this old married dudes wife knows and I wonder just how much he is contemplating destroying his family to be with your wife. I would venture to say, its not even a thought for him.

But that's another thing that all-together.

I dont feel you will feel any better when you get back from Ireland. You may feel better while you are out there cus there is now physical distance between you and the situation. But I think, or I should say I know, when you get back, you will be right back in this spot, if not even worse, if she moves out.

Regardless, I think she needs to go. One of yous needs to go. Because until you are away from her, you don't have the space or air you need to be able to start to really have it "hit home". Regardless of how prepared you think you are now that you know, when you come back, regardless if she is there or not you're gonna feel the sting still.

I think though, once you get past that sting, and accept that she is gone, your feelings for her and what she is doing and did will change. The blinders will come off soon after that and you will know you deserve better and there will be no more wishy-washy'ness from you. Many of us get to that point after we tried everything , begged and pleaded. Once we let go and accepted that our significant other wasn't made of Gold, we were able to see the for who they really are. I believe you will get there as well.

We can all sit here and tell you to do this or that, but you are going to work through this at your pace and how you see fit. So No, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone and you certainly don't need to justify yourself to a bunch of anonymous people on a website. So remember, love and support comes in all ways. You take what works for you and throw out what doesn't.

Try to get out while there in The Isle. The country is beautiful not to mention the beer is good!

be safe.

I understand you, ESL12.

Your post had nothing to do with your wife's role or perspective. You are expressing something that is so much a part of you that you can't tell where you end and the love for her begins. I know. The posters here are trying to help you so you won't feel any more pain than you must, but this is a death of the most important human relationship in your life. It is important to recognize it's meaning and mourn its passing.

Reminisce ESL12. Treasure the good times and learn from the bad. Remember it is not the only important relationship as your relationships with your precious children will continue to flourish.

Mourn, ESL12. The grief is not an attempt to resurrect the marriage, but is necessary in order to be able to move on with your life. Your strength and resolve will come, but only after to proce

ss this loss. If you try to skip that step, you will continually find yourself falling down in your attempt to move on.

Bless you and your family. You are in my prayers.

I can certainly respect other people's styles of getting over a divorce orheartbreak and I can most ccertainly understand the method of yrying to rattling someones chains to get them to snap out of a day dream but when it comes to these types of situation. I am also fully aware that no matter what I can see or anyone else can see is happening or how badly one may want to rescue someone in a disaster or impending doom, the power of love is greater and ultimately the person who is going through it will heed the advice of others on the terms of their hearts desire. People generally only see what they want to see and as much as I respect everyone trying to guide and use their own method to rescue someone in need....I also fully understand it will happen on their terms. God help me because i know I drowned myself in false hopes just to continue feeling loved and it just is a very painful process

I doubt he is taking anyone's advice. I feel his posts are more interactive journal entries for people to read and to respond to if they feel like it. If that's how he deals with pain, then so be it.

Well i certainly appreciate the journal entry style because he expresses his emotions and I have trouble expressing mine so it is helping me. I never learned to express what I was feeling when I was younger so seeing him being able to express himself and being able to identify a lot of the emotion as something I am going through has been very therapeutic for me. I also get to take the advice of others. So while he may be repetitive or it is a journalistic style other posters responses are not in vain. I struggled letting go of my marraige and keep going back and forth between acceptance and bargaining and to me that is what is happening here. I wish everyone all the peace in the world and hopefully we can all be on our way to healing :-).

Peace to you as well, Charliegirl

I don't think its that he doesn't want to take the advice. I think he knows what the right thing to do it and wishes he had it in him to do it but cant get to a place of acceptance and be able to let go. I think the initial pain of sever loss is overwhelming that even his own misery being with her is not as bad as the total loss so in his mind he feels this is better then the alternative.

It took me just about 6 months or so to finally decide to leave 100% have no contact and really stop putting myself through that. For those 6 months I would go a few days and once a little over a week before I could no longer feel that pain anymore. I was almost a nonfunctional person and felt like being around his was hard and maybe painful but it will take away this pain temporary to help me avoid dealing with all of this just a bit longer. My sister, my friends everyone was so tired of me. My uncle told me I didn't ever want a better life and I enjoyed being miserable. That was I think the hardest thing to hear because that really just wasn't true. I believe different people process things differently. It takes each person a different amount of time to reach acceptance of a loss to begin to move forward. I have read many of the posts and often times also felt frustrated that he keeps putting himself through this and that it doesn't need to be this way and that he should find a little more inner strength but then I also do realize that it takes a lot of inner soul searching and a certain mindset to begin to make those changes. I am not really sure what the exact defining moment for me was but I do know once it occurred and I felt a sense of acceptance that this is how it would just have to be the progress became a lot easier .

All, thank you for the responses... Im sorry if some of you are turned off by my pain... I dont have an answer for you... Ive been away for a little over a week, at first i was ok, hardly spoke with her and just put it out of my mind... But as reality set it, seeing a uhaul rental charge on my account and hearing my 4 yr old tell me she brought toys to popops house.. has been crushing. I dont know why i can't get over this, it does make me feel weak.. but i wont be sorry for my feelings.. I wont be sorry for dealing with this situation my own way... I am deeply inlove with my wife.. and this is by far the most painful thing i have ever had in my life. Will my future be bright... Im sure it will be... but right now i feel like everything i know has died including myself.

These things that are going to come as the separation progresses are going to pull and tug on your heart and emotions. Its normal and certainly Ok to feel like you are feeling.

Again, don't apologize to an anonymous group of people who aren't living in your shoes or your reality. You're going to take the time you have to in order to get through this. Right now, you can't even think about setting a time line for this, you just have to ride the wave that's coming through until you hit the beach.

stay strong

No need to apologize for your pain. Several of us have shared a very similar journey maintaining our love for our spouse until she ended it, and after, and while we can tell you how it played out for us, and what our outcomes were, your journey will be unique in some ways. I'm sorry to see it playing out the same way it did for us, as I wished for a different outcome for you.

What I can say, about that U-Haul charge, is that it is the beginning of healing. It will hurt even more as it "becomes real," but that's when the healing can really begin. It is impossible to heal when she is still there every day, and her presence without returning your love and intimacy, almost seeming indifferent herself, but a bit sympathetic to your pain, only keeps the wound wide open with daily hurt. Even though you know it belittles you in some ways, you grovel and hunger for any crumb of affection or any sign that she might relent. I did.

Reality is here, and space will help you and you will begin to regroup and start your new life. I know these words don't help much given the intensity of your emotions, but on a logical level know this truth - you will finally begin to heal now that she is out. It has taken me a year, but I am doing well now. You will too.

Best wishes.

My last day here in Ireland... i already have anxiety... I just dont want to go home and face what i have instore for me... I spoke with her briefly, and again broke down and cried... She is gone, and i can't do anything about it... im heartbroken still and just feel abandoned and alone.

You have been abandoned as have many of us here. It will take time for the pain to begin to subside, so I'm told. It's been 4 months from me so I'm a baby in the process. All I can tell you is to push through each day. Rely on family and friends and your therapist. I have tried to spread out my grief so one person doesn't get overwhelmed. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't think anyone knows why love just turns off but it does and there's nothing anyone can do about it.