Are you afraid of loosing her or the idea of the family you had and the thought of all the change and being alone? I think in many cases the fear of the unknown and having to start all over is what keeps some people in a bad cycle even if it not working. You can convince yourself you are missing out on the best thing you ever had and you suddenly put this person on a pedestal and the pain feels worse. I don't know you or your therapist of course you have shared way more with the therapist but I feel like a woman who is confused is not going to make the choice to move out. This may all have been out of the blue for you and you may feel blindsided but I do feel clearly she has had these feelings and thoughts for a long time. You aren't old, this isnt/wasn't your last chance at love. Someday when you are healed and at peace with all that has happened you will be able to start a life with someone new again. It sounds impossible today trust me I know...maybe sometimes someone has to leave our life to make room for someone who we were actually meant to be with. I think the more negative things we say the more we start to believe them.

"she was the love of my life"
"I wont ever be okay"
"My life is ruined"
"This pain wont ever go away"
"I am nothing without her"

I am not saying you have said any of these things but in general when we allow our minds to even go down this road or say these things it makes healing harder. Negative thoughts somehow get intertwined with our actual feelings and the way we see things. Don't beat yourself up over it because I have also done this in the past, yet I am trying to remind myself thinking negative creates negativity .

ESL...I understand your pain. Yes you were told about the seperation months ago, but your wife has been giving you mixed signals and hope all along so this is sort of like starting off at square one. Let yourself grieve. Cry and do what you have to do to get yourself through the day. I too was given so much false hope, but the hope was in the words and not the actions. That is why I think it is so much harder for you. But she has made her choice and I think you will begin to heal when you return from Ireland. It will be hard to see that your house has changed but try to think about it in a peaceful way. When you spend time with your kids it won't be shadowed with her around. You can truly focus on your kids. Take pride in the fact that you are a good father and that you will be strong for your kids. It was so hard for me to get used to the change but little by little you will get there. And you will start to see that you can laugh again and enjoy simple pleasures again. Hang in there.

Now, I don't know anyone in this situation on a personal level and can only go by what you said here and my own experiences but I think your wife's apparent indecisiveness stems from her guilt of hurting you. Her actions are different, not because she is confused by what she wants, but because she feels sad and guilty for the way you are feeling.

She's hadn't been able to stand up and hold firm with her actions because you aren't showing strength to her and she feels bad. It's taken these few months for her to decide, despite the guilt and sadness she feels, she is doing what she feels is right and going through with the separation.

I don't really know an answer for you but I do know one thing and that is who really needs to be kicked when they are down? I think the trip to Ireland will possible iron out some of those wrinkles and your reaction to your situation is normal because it seems that if anyone follwed this post would understand your reaction considering you mentioned your own abandoment issues and when something like this happens to someone with abandoment issues....it is a huge deal because it reopens everything. Be kind to yourself. Hugs to you.

We are home. I'm quit and short. She just asked me if I wanted to go to a movie tonight. I'm mean WTF. I don't get it. I said no.

good job! you could have easily said yes and had a few good hours but you realized that wasn't worth it in the long term and that alone is something you may not have been able to do a month ago

Well there are still undefined bounderies. It seems she still believes you are emotionally available and physically available when she needs it because you haven't clearly stated that you do not wish to be close to her during a seperation once she made the decision to make herself clear and she was really done with the marriage. As long as you know what she wants then you can decide how to put up your own bounderies so you are no longer confused by her asking you to do things as a normal couple. If she truly has issues with abandonment she can seek out help from someone who is not emotionally involved such as her therapist.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/johanna-lyman/do-you-have-abandonment-issuesttps://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-many-faces-addiction/201006/understanding-the-pain-abandonmentut i do have to add. You asked her to make the decision because you didn't want to be in limbo anymore so perhaps she made the decision to keep you from suffering anymore.


http://www.yourtango.com/experts/johanna-lyman/do-you-have-abandonment-issues

I have been dealing with abandoment issues for some time now and all i can tell you is it makes having a rrelationship extremely difficult and i usually push everyone away so i do not get hurt in the process but utimately i have just been hurting myself. Best of luck.

I said no. Short while later I left the house. I didn't tell her anything other then I'm going out. I may stay out late. I'm sure eventually she will text or call to see if I'm ok. I'm just going to ignore it. Feels like a game. But I just don't want to answer to her anymore. She threw away our marriage and expects to be pals? I just don't get it. Just asking me to go to a movie hurts me.

I understand and my husband did the same thing. .gave me paperwork but still wanted me to tag along everywhere.....then when i became emotional about it because it was confusing as hell he would decide he didn't care to hear it.

When I would mope around like you are now, my friends gave a me swift kick in the nuts and told me to grow a pair. Sorry if that came across too harsh, but sometimes it's what we need.

I remember in high school a girlfriend breakup up with me tried hard to be "friends." I realized she was #1 throwing me a bone out of pity to make her feel like she was a good person and #2 my acceptance of her friendship indicated an acceptance that her decision was justified and good. Sorry that is BS. I believe your wife has the same motives.

The difference here is the fact your precious children are involved. You must think of them above all else. They're both of your children no matter the status of your marriage. You must make the very best out of this traumatic situation for their sakes. So friendly, invested parents you two must be, though you may not be friends.

My heart is breaking you you. I pray something good comes to you from this.

So we went to the wedding. After an emotional day with her I decided to still go and to let her go too. I needed someone to drive me anyway. We ended up having a good time. A lot of family that I haven't seen in a while and everyone really made me feel good. I drank a lot. She was good to me. Even asked me to dance. I had her in my arms and although I knew it wouldn't change things. It was a nice feeling to hold on to. I realized that it was probably our last night together as I leave today for Ireland she is most likely moving out while in away. Kinda ironic our last night was at a wedding. She looked stunning and I told her that. I know my pain is self inflicted at times. But my love for her overpowers my need for self fulfillment. Once she is out I'll have no other choice. But I can't deny my love for her even if it's not returned. This will take me a lot to get over. I don't know if I'll ever love anyone as much as I love her. I know I'll find love again but I doubt it will be as strong. I can't explain it but I always felt she was my soul mate.

Wow, you need a backbone, you post the same basic theme every time, dude, I get that you loved her, that you are heart broken, that you accept your role in her unhappiness,
you better figure that She accepts your role in her unhappiness
She doesn't see her role in her unhappiness
She wants you to blow your brains out

She wants you to blow your brains out

She wants the father of her children to blows his brains out

R u awake yet?

She is one calculating evil deceitful creature and she is enjoying pushing you over the edge

If you let that happen You are not a father

r u awake yet or are you going self reflect and paralyze yourself

you are principled man, She is using thAt against you, using it to manipulate you towards the edge

Now here is the situation for your kids... Cheating mommy wants daddy to go off the edge, Daddy better grow some balls

Have to agree with refurb...but you have been given advice and keep posting these self hurting posts..you're gonna have to learn on your own. Good luck on your trip.