You'll get there buddy and be amazed how strong you really are. I have been exactly where you are now. Weekends crying and waiting for a response from her. Believe me I know. Just know you will survive it and learn things about yourself and your resiliency you never knew you had. It's a shitstorm but a hell of a learning experience. I don't feel I wasted 24 years with her, I just look at it as a huge opportunity now to vault forward. Spending another second with someone who wants out is pointless and destructive. You'll be amazed how time will alter your feelings. The first 6-8 months or whatever I don't even remember I would've done anything to reconcile. Now...no way. Her choice her loss. You WILL get there. Take care buddy!

Duuuude, I was in the exact same boat as you until very recently. I took a step back and assessed everything that was going on. Her going about her life happily and me at home having a nervous breakdown. I've come to realize that my wife, oops sorry, I mean my STBX was/is not worthy of me, my love and my emotions. She's become to me one of the types of people I personally would not want to be friends with. She has become someone that I did not fall in love with. Like a bait and switch (although it took 10 years for the switch to happen). I play a psychological game with myself in which, I put myself in the mind frame that it is ME, not her, that should want out of the marriage. Sounds silly, but it works for me.

My misery contiues... We were both home and I was just quiet and distant, let her deal with the kids until she had to leave for therapy and then super market. She came home and came to me to chit chat.. ask why I didn't eat the dinner she made, I said I wasn't hungry.. She asked me if I was feeling better on the meds, I said Hard to say, i have alot to be upset about. She said I wish I could take the hurt away from you... I said, you can... It then got silent, i walked away to wash my hands in the sink... she came over to me and motioned to hug me... I pulled away starting to cry and shaking my head no.... She said I can't hug you? I said what for? but she put her arms around me anyway... I lost it and hugged back and cried some more in her arms... after a bit i broke away and walked away... She went to shower and i just cried in bed. She came into bed and said good night... and said good night and turned my back... I Just want to close my eyes and have it all go away. I hate feeling like this, i tell myself to be strong, to hate her... and i just break down and cry.

Yeah your misery continues because you are hugging her and sleeping in the same bed...???
You know what you need to do. Expect to feel awful if you don't draw boundaries and keep doing what you're doing. Time to face reality.

Its not as simple as that... Im sleeping in the same bed till this weekend... i leave for ireland for 10 days and while im away she is most likely moving out. The biggest reason im still in bed is because my daughter who is 4, wakes up in the middle of the night and comes into bed with me.. If it wasn't for that, and missing that, Id be out on the couch already.. My unwanted space is coming soon... Ill be miserable going to bed alone again, but i guess that is when my healing my start.

Believe me I know how hard it is and I know the pain you're feeling. Have a safe trip in Ireland, I know it'll be hard to enjoy yourself but try a little while you're there. There's no easy way through it, you just have to go right through it one day at a time. It will get better. It really will, everyone here has gone through it or is going through it. Take care.

ESL I think it's time you honestly ask yourself if you want to feel better. It seems like your getting some psychological payoff from your continued suffering. Many people on this site have taken the time to offer you advice yet you seem unwilling or unable to do some of the most basic things to gain some traction in this horrible situation. I understand that some things you have to learn for yourself but some of it is just common sense. There is no way you should be sleeping in the same bed as this woman. Your daughter can find you on the couch. Just this morning you wrote that you let your wife deal with the kids last night because you didn't feel like it so to suggest you can't sleep elsewhere because you'll miss your daughter's visit seems like an excuse. If you're unable to sleep separately because you're not emotionally unable that's okay but you need to be able to honestly acknowledge what's going on or you're not going to be able to progress.

Also, you might want to rethink attending a wedding with your wife. Weddings are supposed to be happy events. Being there with her is only going to make you sad not to mention the undercurrent of tension you'll be bringing to someone else's day. Your family will understand why you didn't bring her if you explain your situation. If you're not ready for that, just give add extra money to the gift to cover the cost of her plate and make an excuse. You need to think of your own mental health.

As several people mentioned yesterday, speak with an attorney, at least for a free consult. Your wife has had one and you need to keep the playing field level. No one is saying you need to file anything right now. You say that you don't care about a few thousand dollars now but that may be significant later if not to you, to your children. It could mean a vacation or summer camp. You previously mentioned that there will be a change of lifestyle when the two of you have to maintain separate households. You need to be proactive in planning for that now.

I hope you get the break you need while in Ireland and you come back ready to regain your emotional footing.

I'm sorry to sound so cold but Missy is right...as is countless before her. You need to suck it up. This sucks, yes. None of it feels good but quit playing the victim and do something for yourself. Quit sniveling in self pity, get up, and DO something. We all want to see you get over this but continuing to sleep in the same bed because your daughter might come on? And car pool for the nanny? Catch a bus then. That's nonsense. Do you ENJOY putting yourself through this absolute MISERT? Because that's what it's beginning to seem like.

Put your big boys pants on, get yourself up, tell her NO for once, quit crying, and call a lawyer. Tell her she's NOT going to the wedding (or don't even bother going to bring someone else's day down), and get yourself ready for Ireland.

Come on buddy...once you quit playing the victim and work towards healing...maybe then you will actually HEAL. Until then, expect more or less the same neverending torture.

Sorry but I think at some point the kid gloves need to come off so you can see this is goddamned ridiculous.

Honestly... every decision ive made has been for my kids... There is no bus to get to work for us... and if I didn't car pool, I would have to drive back and forth to take my daughter to school, lie to my boss again and miss more time at work. on top of that, the nanny can take them to do fun things during the day... Less disruption to my kids the better, if i have to sacrifice and be unhappy for the day for them i will. I dont know why im still in the same bed... im not enjoying my pain, Maybe on an emotional level i find comfort with her there still... I dont know what to tell you... I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone... Am i making mistakes.. probably.. am i prolonging my pain.. probably. Do I enjoy it now. Am I capable of healing... I dont know... even when she will be gone i know ill be unhappy... I love her, I am in love with her and although ive lost hope... I still dont want this to be the way it is. Does that make me a pathetic lil boy? I just dont care about much right now... im complely broken and a shell of the man i was.

Look, I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm not trying to be some unsympathetic jerk who doesn't know what I'm talking about. Been there, done that. Been through the hell of divorce with kids.

If you are okay with what's going on, more power to you. Keep on doing what you're doing. But, if you are miserable, only making a CHANGE will help that. How are you going to get to work when you DO separate? You still going to carpool?

Look, none of this feels warm and fuzzy. It's not supposed to. I do think you are wallowing much more than you should be. But, that's simply my opinion. It almost seems like you enjoy getting the attention from her...no matter what kind of attention it is. I think, subsconsciously, you hope she'll walk in one day and call the whole thing off because you've been so miserable.

But this is real life and, in real life, that's not going to happen.

You don't have to listen to me or anyone else...you have no one to answer to but yourself. If you are okay with all this, good for you. But, if you're not, quit making excuses and make a change. Everything I read is an excuse to keep in this cycle of pain.

You don't have to agree with me...or even like me for that matter. But you aren't the only one to get their heart trampled on. It doesn't last forever...unless, of course, you want it to. But, if you don't, do something about it. You're the only one with that power.

"Maybe on an emotional level i find comfort with her there still.."

NO you don't. The one tearing your heart out cannot bring you comfort. She's the SOURCE of your pain. You really need to separate as this kind of contact will destroy you. Her mind is made up. Don't make it so easy for her. She told you her wishes over 4 months ago. Granted I also tried to convince my wife to make it work but 3 weeks of her behavior and attitude gave me the needed backbone to give her the heave ho. I knew separation was a necessity not an option..! Did it hurt? Hell ya, still does but not like in the beginning. 13 months later and I don't even want to talk to her anymore and don't have to play the NC game and count days etc because I just don't give a rats ass, her choice. I have my own life to live and so do you.

Yes, i get that, and seperation is coming. I leave in 2 days... and while im away she is moving out. in 12 days i come home to a seperate house... part time with the kids, and only interaction with her will be dealing with kids and finances till worked out. I can't do much else between now and then... I dont feel my pain will change between now and then regardless of where i sleep... to be honest, the last two nights ive slept through the night, first time in a while... not sure if thats the meds helping me ease, or time. maybe both... Change is coming, and out of my control at this point... Tonight, im going out, not sure if ill come back home or not, but need to be home by 10 am Tomorrow.. I have to pack and do laundtry before i leave too... im trying to do things for myself... Im trying to be a father, although i still feel pain looking at them... Like ive failed them... Yes i know its her that is doing this.. but its how i feel.. I know i have to work on these things.. I am trying despite how it seems... But i feel powerless right now, and like ive said before, I want to run away and hide... Hopefully ireland is my hide away long enough to come home stronger.

That's the spirit! We all know how devastating this is, but you'll be fine. If someone doesn't want to be with you it's MUCH better giving them their wish. Trying to fight and convince someone like a car salesman how great you are doesn't work. Honestly I think this trip is just what the doctor ordered. Take care of yourself.

Hey,
Are you seeing a therapist while you are going through all this? I think you are in pain but you are looking for comfort from the person who simply just cant give it to you. The only thing she can do to help you is change her mind and I don't think she will do that. Even if she said she wants to be with you because of how emotional you have been would you really want someone to be with you because they feel bad? deep down I think you wouldn't want that.

I think you are at a stage where you are still not ready to let go and that is okay it can take time for some people but I do think if it something you are struggling with then a therapist may be needed for you to guide you in that direction and help you with acceptance.

You cant ever change anyone's mind when it comes to love. It took me almost 6 months to realize my ex was never really coming back. After trying every thing that came to mind to get him to work things out with me, it didn't work. All I did was waste 6 more months of my life and delayed my own progress. I think you can tell your family she was sick and didn't feel well there is really no reason to bring her to the wedding unless deep down you want to still spend those few moments with her. Yes this is a family wedding but I have been to family weddings and the attention and focus is on the couple getting married it wont be on you. If you put extra money in your gift or card for her portion of the meal nobody will really even notice. People get sick or don't feel well, it happens so if you truly don't want one more gut wrenching feeling you can change that at least for the night.

Yes, I am seeing a therapist for a while now... She thinks my wife is confused, giving alot of mixed messages.... I dont disagree, but her words seem clear, her actions aren't.... but obviously if and when she moves out, it doesn't get much clearer then that. Im really not the man i was, this whole thing has torn me apart... im lost, and broken, i hardly cried over anything my whole life... now i can't stop crying.