I didn't want to be the guilty one of ending things. I let this go on for ten months and even then I wanted it to be his "choice". I don't want for him to be able to say I made him, or have our children know that this is not my choice. He claims he has no choice in who he loves and he wasn't looking for someone else, it just happens. On the other hand, I do believe it is all your choice as to what relationships you nurture and continue.
Doesn't seem to have mattered at all. Our kids don't know all that has been happening and they must be OK with his reason of "needing to be happy". He talked with them when the affair rumors came out and assured them it wasn't true. He has never done anything but be a good Dad and even husband, so there is no reason not to believe him. He still feels they've done nothing wrong because they haven't had sex. So our kids seem to think I have taken everything and their Dad wants to be there and help and now I'm still the bad one. I admit I do have a rough time with our meetings and it usually turns out not good. I am trying to do NC as much as possible at least til I get my emotions in check.
As I was told "You need to stop the bleeding!" As long as this is going on there is no way for you to heal. Don't waste time and energy on someone who isn't willing to do the same for you. AND NOT just in words or sometimes, look back at the actions and try to be honest with yourself. I know this is hard, been there and still question if I did enough. Which as quickly and happy as he is and "being the man he knows he can be" he was gone before and had made up his mind well before he actually made his true unhappiness clear to me. But even with that, I still feel it was more of a justification for his actions. You will be OK and can do this.

I get it, absolutely.

But the fact is...you have to force yourself. Shoot...get an extended stay hotel if you must. There is always an option. Not always the best option but, anything is temporary. The first thing is moving and maintaining no contact unless directly related to the kids. If setting your boundaries is too difficult to say aloud, send via email or text. Tell her it isn't open for discussion. My guess is she'll be partially relieved and thankful you finally said it.

And tell yourself...NO MORE EXCUSES. I had zero dollars to my name when I moved out. Hell, I was in deep debt. I stayed with my mom VERY briefly then got my own apartment. It wasn't ideal, obviously, but it was MINE. There is always a way to do something...you might have to be creative but don't allow yourself to keep giving excuses in order to stay in this continued torture.

You have to go through it but it's doable and, once you get out of the house, it gets so much better.

I know you don't believe me or anyone else who's commented but, it's true. I'm here and better than ever. Had I not done the same, I'd be 6 feet under. And I would have missed out on all the beauty I've found since.

Get up, take a shower, take a walk, grab one of those apartment books, find a nice spot in a park or something, and start researching. You need another distraction anyway...you really do.

If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve to have their dad and the first step in giving them that is to get yourself a place.

You absolutely shouldn't stay in the same house. If you don't want to pay for a separate apartment, maybe you can alternate time in the house. You can stay there with the kids on nights she stays with her father and you can visit friends or relatives on nights she's home with the kids. The bottom line is you need to make a change for your children if not for yourself. Your children deserve a father who is fully engaged with them and it doesn't sound like you can do that while in the same house.

I know this is painful but try not to think of this as taking a step back in your life. You're just moving on to the next chapter. There are much better days ahead. It's just going to take time.

She just called me... crying... she went to an attorny today... She said we have to talk about things.. we have to make arrangments.. she doesn't want to be in the house. I told her what ever she wants.. Just do it, it doesn't matter what i want anymore... She wants to stay at her fathers house and have the kids with her part of the time... She agreed there is no rush to take legal action... I told her i love her, im inlove with her, and there is nothing else i can say or do... She doesn't want much from the house, I said take what ever you want... I honestly dont care about money or objects... We aren't rich so she can't take much from me as it is. I cried again... i just dont know what else i can do... its over, and i can't even believe it. Im heartbroken.. im just i dunno... I know i have to try to move on, I just can't see a bright future right now... I guess its normal. I wish i could turn back time.

My advice is take a day or two to absorb this and get strong and lawyer up. It's natural in your state to start giving away the farm. Time to prepare for your future and your kids future. You can do this you're a smart guy.

wow, how things fast forwarded in a matter of days for her...

im' really mad at her, whether you are or not, I am.

something ain't right... she aint right...

sorry, for my lack of a better response, but I am still spinning from the suddeness of all this. I can only imagine how you feel.

Im' sorry dude. Shes a real piece of work.

try to stay strong.

I'm very sorry. I know how much you wanted things to work. The fact that she saw a lawyer today just proves that she's been moving on while you've been focused on rebuilding. Now that she's lawyered up, you need to do so as well. Try to resist the temptation to agree to whatever she wants. You will regret it later. You're not able to act in your own best interest right now so it's important to leave it to someone else. Also, please stop telling her you love her. Take it from someone who has been in your shoes. Down the line you will regret it.

i did same thing of just take what you want, which he wasn't going to. he wanted to make sure I was taken care of. then his offers started changing from week to week for whatever reason. Think his friends were playing in on things.
So i did say there were some things I would need and seemed fine in December, but 2 weeks ago let me know how angry he was about it & has brought it up twice. We're still in the process, but know that things change and make sure you take care of you. I'm hopeful to be happy on my own and just find "me'

Thanks all, she didn't lawyer up, atleast not yet, she just went for information.. at this point she doesn't want to take any legal action, she just wants to seperate. I know that could all change.... Today we care pooled again, i only did it so our nanny would have a car for the kids today, i had no desire to ohter wise. I was silent for the car rid and for the most part so was she... she mentioned one or two minor things for general chit chat but i just responded with one word responses... At home i got dressed and layed out on the couch waiting for her while the kids were up, i let her deal with them, I just didn't want to do anything, just felt numb. She at one point came out and said you ok.... Why even ask me... like she doesn't know whats wrong? I just said yeah im fine. Im dredding this wedding sat we have... she is still coming with me, only because I asked her to. I originally RSVP i was going alone... then things were good with us and she brought up the wedding and her going.. so I had it changed... Now if she doesn't go, or i try to change it agian im going to feel like a real ahole to my whole family. She agreed to still go. ill just drink in a corner and try to avoid her the best i can i guess. Im still crying daily, but not as much. I still feel numb and lifeless. I leave for 10 days this sunday... not sure how that will go, ill feel alone, and ill know that while im away she will most likely be moving out. She asked me if i wanted her to move out while i was away asking if it would be less painful... I told her I really dont care, It hurts either way. I fear the days being alone in the house... My head will only be filled with memories and the loss of everything i always wanted... Im crying now as i type this... I know i have to find strenght, and i know everyone says ill be ok... I just dont feel it right now. im so heartbroken and beaten down... I dont wish this on anyway.

Good Morning.... I have been keeping up with your posts, this is my first comment. As hard as it is, you have to kick youself, and find the strenth to move on. I was you 8 months ago. My husband of 18 years came home one day, and dropped the bomb on me that he was leaving. I did the pledding, crying begging thing with him, but once they decide to go, there is nothing you can do. I cried for months. But eventually it starts to lesson, a little everyday. I went into no-contact when I found out about the OW- and focused on myself. I wanted to crawwl in a hole just like you feel now. I could not imagine my life without him, and him with someone else. But for your sake, please...... Put your head up, concentrate on your children, and let her go. I to had false hope, because I felt that he still loved me. I still believe he does, but it is a different love. That is probably what your wife feels. She cares for you, but not like before. You can't change that..... Trust me..... She will respect you more if she see's you being strong, and trying to be happy. That was one thing my ex said to me....... The tears will eventually start to lesson, and you will start to feel a little better each day. It still hurts me, but it gets a easier each day.


Take care of yourself..........

My husband moved out while I was out of town without telling me. He had to come back for the rest of his belongings when I moved out of the house. I went out while he was there. As painful as it was, it would have been ten times worse if I had to watch it happen. I recommend you encourage her to do it while you're gone.

As hard as it is to hear, you need to keep in mind that your wife is no longer on your team. If she met with a lawyer and she doesn't want file any paperwork right now, there's likely a reason. For example, if you're married nine years and you live in a state where you might get permanent alimony after ten, you'd wait to file. Obviously I'm not saying that's her reason but I am saying you need to consult with one ASAP. The woman who's leaving you isn't the person you married who presumably had your best interests at heart. She's looking out for herself and you have to muster the strength to do the same.

So sorry things have turned out this way. If I contributed to your pain in any way, I deeply apologize. I hope you can find the strength to focus on how this will impact the kids. You are a father and do not have the luxury of wallowing in self-pity. Sorry if that is direct but your kids are the priority. Take care of them and yourself. Hope you find some peace and healing on your trip.

I would go to the wedding without her. And if she hasn't "lawyered up just went for advice" I STRONGLY encourage you do the same ASAP. You cannot take her word for it that she hasn't paid a retainer. You need to start proactive. Laying on the couch dreading a weekend wedding with the woman who is ripping your heart out... Believe me I get the grief but you have to force yourself to get moving. She HAS seen a lawyer. That right there screams you need to also.

I went to speak to a lawyer as well. I am not sure what state you are in but the general rule that lawyer told me is that it is better to be the first to file. He also told me to gather up all the original documents you can, about assets, debts, the house, 401k, pay stubs etc. If your wife has access to these documents too she may try to take them when you are gone. I am not trying to add to your stress, but having just been to a lawyer myself for information only, I don't want you to get blind sided. The lawyer said it was cheaper in the long run if he doesn't have to send legal process to your wife's attorney to get the documents from them. So if you do have them, you may just want to put them under lock and key until you can sort it out. I am truly sorry for your pain. I am struggling each day too. Hang in there. It has to get better for both of us sooner or later.

Thank you all... i know she hasn't retained the lawyer, and I know she hasn't been hording documents and statements. She has full access to all of our accounts and money, but i am the one that has always managed it and paid our bills. I can see the accounts daily and know nothing is out of the ordinary. That could change at anytime, but at the end of the day its hers just as much as mine. I know i need to protect myself, but she has always been pretty adament about not wanting to take everything away from me.. she doesn't want me to feel she is taking the kids from me etc... even though thats how it feels... ill be going from 7 days a week with them, to 3 or 4... a year and all holidays with them, to half a year and some holidays.. I dont care about money.. we dont have alot to worry about... whats a couple of thousands dollars at this point. I just dont care. Thank you all for the help and kind thoughts... Im just miserable and findiing it very hard to gain strenght.