Brother, snap out of it, the heartbreak shock can put anyone in a fog.

Your wife is not your friend.
She does not want to be your friend.
She will take whatever you offer but she won't,
She won't give you friendship

Shift your observations of her actions through the that fact


Take care of yourself in order to take cAre of your kids

You are a good man, you think about the august trip the kids are to take with their grandparents and don't want to deprive your kids

Your wife is a self centered person, she is interested only in not depriving her whims, so sad for her in that she'll most likely bever realize what is that she deprives herself of

Thank you all.. I know it may seem im not listening.. i am.. It so hard.... There are days i find the strength to stand tall.. and there are days like today where i just cry... I dropper off at the airport this morning for her two day trip for work... The ride was great, normal, we talked laughed, joked, talked about some past good times... we get there, i get out to help her with the suitcase, she said thank you.. and to kiss the kids for her and walked away... I just cried... no hug.. no kiss... no I love you.. all the things that were so normal for so long... It breaks me down.. I can't even describe my feelings anymore... I dont even understand why im still crying months later... I question everything, i keep searching for a reason, for an answer, for a fix... How can I do this to myself for someone that treats me so cold...

, i get out to help her with the suitcase, she said thank you.. and to kiss the kids for her and walked away... I just cried... no hug.. no kiss... no I love you.. ..

She has emotionally detached, in her mind the relationship has ended and now she wants to be friendly to keep the peace and to keep what she has, namely a house to come home to after her jaunt and someone to look after the kids etc...and the reason you're still crying is because you're still with her in your mind. Sorry but until you separate expect more of the same...boundaries are essential to protect yourself, you're allowing her all the control she is calling all the shots. After dropping my ex wife off at work after she broke up with me and she still lived the house for 3 weeks that first time after she broke up was the only time she got out of the car and we didn't kiss. She was done just like your stbx. 3 weeks was all I could take. She wanted out I told her to move out. You're not gonna start to heal until she leaves and/or rules and boundaries are established. It's the cold hard truth.

I know... and im trying to get myself there... My plan right now is to try to lay low.. stick to what i already commited too, like dropping her at airport and picking her up tomorrow night... the following week is her surgery and ill be there for her for that too... Yes I know, more self inflicted pain... but im a careing big hearted guy, im honest and faithful, and when i commite myself to something i never back out... After the surgery i have no commitments to keep... Im going to have a talk with her the week after the surgery... set some boundries.. Seperate myself from her and the situation... my fear is she wont leave the house so easily.. which may force me too... Not sure which is the better option anyway... if I leave, she has all the responsibilty, if she leaves, she has none... either way I dont care about the house or money.. I care about my sanity and my kids... so if me leaving is whats best.. I will... I just dont know...

What tyoe of surgery is it if i may ask because if you said i missdd it soewhere?

Its lipo... sadly im aware this appears to be an effort to make herself more attractive to move on form me.. She has talked about it for a long time though, to get rid of the last of the baby fat from having two kids... I dont think she needs it, I think she is beautiful the way she is.. and she only needs to loose 5 to 10 pounds.. I can't stop her from getting it.. and she will be under anasthetia for it, so althought its not major surgery, its still surgery. I commited to being there for her a couple of months ago, i asked why she would want me there if she wants to be apart... she said cause I make her feel safe... I asked her why dont those types of feelings mean more to her... she said they do, she consideres me family, she loves me and cares for me, but more like a brother. Ive been on the fence about it for weeks now... i know for my self I shouldn't be there for her... But who I am, the real me, is to be there for people i care about... I also stick to my commitments.. so ive decided how ever painful this all is for me, I need to stay true to who I am.

As others have said, you will not begin to heal until you establish appropriate boundaries. Perhaps you should consider reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's been recommended by several people in my Divorce Care group.

Ill check out the book.. thank you...

Bounderies are an issue for sure... but my bigger issue is letting go... Im struggling with accepting this is how my marriage is ending... Im struggling with the feelings that she is just going through something and if i can hold on long enough she will come around... im struggling with the loss of everything, not just her.. I know these are all self inflicting pains.. but its my struggle.. I wish I could hate her and be angry.. I wish I could just look at her and not love her... I question myself daily how can I feel so much for someone who seems to not feel any in return... I can't understand her feelings, im not built to feel that way... I can't understand how we aren't worth it to her, how our family, our kids, our future isn't worth at the very least trying... how do you just wake up and walk away from everything? I know nobody will have answers... I know everyone handles things differently..

I question what i fear most at this point... losing her, or being alone... my kids, or my marriage, My finacials, or my marriage... When we are apart my head clears... and I miss her... i careless about house and money then her and my kids... When we are together.. I look at her and just want to shower her with my love.. I miss her touch, he hug, her kiss... When we aren't talking about us, things are normal.. we laugh, we talk, we work together as a team with the kids and house... but the affection from her is shut off, there is no sign of love from her... I can't comprehend it.... I fear the boundries i need to set, will seal our chances ot being together... but i also realize those chances are gone on there own anyway... I know everyone says to focus on myself and the kids.. I try... but what if myself wants her. What if myself can't see a future without her? How do I shut that off... How do I emotionally walk away? I fear they wont till i meet someone else... but how can i even attempt that feeling the way i do about my wife? It seems every angle leads to her...

It is odd to me that you would not be angered by her getting lipo so she could look attractive to another male but it seems to me you are illustrating what you feel love truly means to you. But regarding shutting off your emotions. I feel as though you in for a rough ride ahead of you. I say this because you continue to invest yourself and the more you invest in it then I fear you will have the ah ha moment and be extremely mad at yourself. But I dont know but I think its extremely compassionate of you and that is rare in this world and it is actually touching that you can act compassionately towards someone who is treating you that way. Many Hugs and hang in there.

Thank you Charlie.... I guess im still giving her the benefit of the doubt... Although what she says may not be entirely true... its all i have to go on... She says this is about her, seeking independence, needing to be alone, needing to not need me... The topic of seperation brough up a brief discussion about coming up with rules... I asked if we would talk, when and how, and if she intended to date... The convo was more or less, take the next two weeks to think about whats fair to her, to me and the kids and I would do the same, we would discuss again.. we haven't had the second discussion yet... But her response to dating, was.." I havent really thought about that" Now, that could be BS, that could be to protect me, or hide some of her own feelings im not aware of, either way I dont know for sure.. But if i hope for any honesty at this point, i think this is more about her feeling better about herself.. Of course that would lead to feeling more attractive to other guys... but is that her motive.. I just dont know... Im not niave to it, I know thats a strong possibility... but i can't say for sure thats the case.... I guess just me trying to focus more on positives if any, then dwell on all the negatives.

Those of us who were dumped can relate to where you are. Except for the children, I was in your shoes 12-18 months ago. My husband said he was done but I thought he was sending mixed messages in a variety of ways. Any affection kindness or affection he showed was really his way of making sure he was still seen as a nice guy. It had nothing to do with me. He was just manipulating the situation. You are never going to feel better until you decide to be your own hero. Getting yourself out of the emotional crapper isn't going to happen until you take affirmative steps to end the pain. That may include counseling, exercising, Divorce Care, reading ,etc. Most of all, it means you have to stop being your wife's emotional puppet. No more sleeping in the same bed. No rides to the airport. I'm from NY. Cabs are plentiful. If she wants to be without you, she needs to start relying on her own resources.

Refurb is right about Turks and Caicos. It's a fabulous family vacation spot. Unless your in-laws pose a danger to your children, there's no legitimate reason not to let them go.

ESL12 you're a good man - maybe too good for your own good. Certainly a better man than me. I just read this whole long thread and it's shaking me up, because I think I am on the exact same path - just earlier along it. I'll probably post my own story sometime soon, especially if things keep deteriorating. But I must say I could never have hung on as long as you have.

I just want to add another voice to those who say that it certainly seems to be really, completely, seriously over. And the sooner you can get her out of your life (except regarding kids/parenting) the sooner you may start to heal. I haven't hit that point yet in my situation, but I also haven't had the definitive statements from my wife that you have had, both in person and email.

I also wanted to mention something in case this is an issue for you (it will be for me if my marriage fails). Given how deeply invested you seem to be to marriage/wife, and how much you are clinging to it - how is your non-family social network? Friends? Few or many? I am an introvert who has not made many local friends after our last move. For me, the prospective end of my marriage brings huge fear/anxiety around being alone and having few people to help me cope. I don't know if that is an issue for you, but if so you may want to address it with counseling or in some other manner.

All the best to you.

I agree with Missy and Stepping. I have been reading your posts from the beginning. I think going to counseling for yourself would be a big help to you. Understanding about the children, it's too bad that she doesn't find another place to live. You are torturing yourself by taking any little communication as meaning she's unsure of whether or not to stay married. It seems to me that she has made up her mind but is too chicken to act on it completely.

If you're honestly thinking of separating, you really need to find a lawyer to help you work through the details. Don't leave it up to her. You need to protect yourself both financially and for the sake of your children. If you let her make the decisions, it will not turn out good for you.

Someone else said that they thought she might have someone else. It's possible and it may be that she is stringing him along like she is you.

Please take matters into your own hands, get counseling and get a lawyer.

Wow, holding her hand while she gets all sexy for the next guy with lipo...She wasnt clear enough in her emails when she said shes not in love with you and doesnt want to be with you...??

There is being a "stand up guy" and being "true to yourself"...and then there is being totally taken advantage of. Every one of us here who has been dumped has had to go through the same exact emotions that are scaring you to death to face. While its truly a nightmare it is survivable.

All I can say at this point is what Ive been saying since this thread started...at some point you have to think of yourself and your well being. She made her bed. She made her choice. She doesnt want to be with you anymore yet wants all the benefits being with you has to offer. Quit being a door mat. I was with my wife for 24 years and I still cant look at her in person without feeling hurt. I loved her and our life, but she made her choice. After 3 weeks of living with her after the bombshell I had to have her move out. It was killing me, and she was in another relationship before the door fully closed, so you know what that means...As long as you keep playing Mr. Nice Guy to her she gets exactly what she wants. Like feeding you dessert off her spoon...kind of like having her cake and eating it too, no? Thats how I read that.

In closing, not to be harsh but you better get a backbone and some self respect for yourself or your in for a world of torment.

Thank you all... I am in counseling for a couple of months now... My Counsler has a similar thought that she is confused... She also has encouraged me to do what i feel is best for me... There is nothing wrong with me to remain hopeful and keep trying, staying true to myself. My Counseler just this past tue told me that I her signals are mixed, and thinks she is going through something... but also stated she may never realize it and eventually i may not get the result i want.. whats important is that i regain power of the situation with in myself... do for me and what i feel is right for me....

As far as friends I do have a decent amount of support.. both male and female friends.. ive tried to not dump this on them daily, as I know it can become a bit much... Probably some of you are sick of my stubbornness at times.. I have felt myself shy away from them a bit during this because of my situation.. there's only so many times i feel comfortable crying to them... I haven't gone out much as ive focused on being there for my kids mostly, and my wife... She really hasnt gone out much either....