Well, its been a few days since i posted... wish I could say its all be great... for the most part it has been, but I messed up this morning...

I past her office and her car wasn't there, atleat ididn't see it.. my insecurity got to me.. I eventually spoke to her on the phone and asked her where she was, and if she got breakfast withsomeone, a guy that ive been worried about at her office... She is still conflicted, still confused with her feelings... She told me that the guy in question, she has never dont anything or acting on any feelings with him, but there is a draw to him... its one of the reasons she is struggling with us... worried that if she has a draw to someone else how can she love me..... I also said to her that we want the same things, family was always most important to her and me.. and she said she doesn't think she has the same view on that anymore... specifically beause her parents divorce, her view on marriage and family has changed... I told her we aren't them, we are better then that... she said she just doesn't want to be unhappy rest of her life, and I said you can pick 100 marriages that are happy, and find another 100 that aren't... she said well im surrounded by unhappy ones.. I said we can't compare us to others... we are different and better then those.... But she admitted to strugglying feeling intimate with me again, and she is clouded.... Im heartbroken, but not giving up yet. I screwed up though, I shouldn't have said anything this morning, and just took 10 steps backwards... Im mad at myself, and filled with anxiety self inflicted.... I dont know what i should do now... THings were going so well and i screwed them up... Her top concern is trust... she feels she can't trust me inrespect to, me telling everyone things that makes me the victim.. that she is struggling with trust in me... and that i dont trust her. I tried to explain that i do trust her, that ive felt her emotional draw was elsewhere and its the only reason ive questioned things myself... I feel like a fool, I was doing so well and i screwed up.... I dont know what to do now... I hope i can recover from this mistep and move foward, but right now she is upset with me... she got off the phone crying saying she is at work, and doesn't want to keep doing this.. she doesn't want to circle back to this same crap.. she is right.. and i brought us back to this place... God help me now..

You did not mess up

Don't beat yourself up. You are only human and in all honesty, she needs to earn your trust with her commitment to you over time. How can she question you feeling less than secure when she has burned you so very badly these past weeks? As far as happy marriages go, those are only partners who are committed to enduring the unhappy times having faith that happier times will come. They have the same doubts and self centered bouts with "is this what I truly want" that the rest of us have. The trick is to find satisfaction and contentment in the act of maintaining commitment. That helps get you through the tough times. Soul mates are only those people who are equally committed to enduring anything. They are not people who never experience doubts and difficulty. I hate how work ethic does not seem to apply to relationships anymore. We are a society of entitlement and our children suffer the most from the consequences.

Off the soap box.. Sorry. You have been doing everything right and a stumble was enivitable. But you need to understand her doubts are not because of anything you do but because of what she chooses not to do... Commit to love, her husband, and her family. You cannot control this, only try to provide an environment in which she might come to realize these things. There will always be someone out there for whom she may feel attraction but the same doubts she is experiencing now are inevitable with a relationship with each of these people because they come from her not anyone else (forgive the horrible grammar). She will never find someone as sensitive, loving, or committed as you. EVER. The regrets she is struggling with now are NOTHING compared to the regrets that will torment her once she has pushed the best life partner she could have ever hoped for away and tragically damaged the family she will discover is more important to her than she could ever have imagined.

You are in my prayers.

You didn't mess up. No matter if you said something or didn't she is still conflicted in her feelings. It is good that you talk about this stuff otherwise you have no idea where you two are at. I will say if there are feelings for someone else, it will be very difficult to get her mind back on the two of you instead of that other person. As long as she questions whether what she is feeling for someone else is better than what she has now she will continue to be torn. She needs to think really hard if she wants to throw away a wonderful man for the possibility of another and all the consequencese that come with that decision. Because she isn't in love with you that other person seems like the best thing ever and the one who will make her the happiest. I say that because I am in a very similiar situation as you but I am in your wife's shoes. My huband and I are further in the process than you. I had to be completely over and done with the other man and be 100% committed to making my marriage work and that took awhile to get there. i too never acted on any feelings but my mind was not in the right place. I had to realize that what I thought i wanted really wasn't what I wanted or needed. I am still not in love with my husband but I am finally committed to trying to get back to that place we were once at. I am so rooting for you!!

Thank all, Adn thank you readlovepray... Having someone with my wifes perspective is very valuable... THis guy she is refering to is 20 years older, supposidly happily married with 4 kids... She didn't mention feelings for him, but stated it as drawn to him... I dont see much different there but thought the language behind should be clear. I think what is scaring her more is that question of, How can i be fair and married to someone when drawn to someone else.. Brings up the question in her head as to if she really wants me.. Its not an easy thing to hear.. but i also know this guy is nothing on me... If it really comes down to it, she wont find happiness there... but i fear it will take to long and go to far to recover. I think she feels like.. i could be wrong.. I just dont want to go backwards... and i fear that.most. This last week has been amazing, and i fear i pushed us back... i guess we shall see..

So she's out to breakfast with the new guy and you're worried you messed up...umm that IS messed up. Sorry but you didn't do anything wrong...I guess you're a glutton for punishment or something? I don't know man...personally that would do it for me. But you have your own path to follow..good luck.

The point is. She wasn't out with him. I assumed and questioned her. I was wrong. I never saw them together. Just assumed it. I screwed up and this is a set back. I just hope not to far. Right now it seems like I screwd up bad. We talked again and she flat out said she didn't appreciate being stalked. Vi wasn't stalking but right now she thinks I was. She also flat out said that things were going well but this morning made her feel differently again :(. I went down my old path and pleading again. I realized it and stopped but did do it a bit. I'm a mess. I just hope she can see past this. I just hope this didn't ruin our chances for immediate good times.

Oh I misread that I apologize

ESL your posts break my part. It's obvious how badly you want things to work. What concerns me is how easily your wife manipulates you. She not the victim here but she has you running around worrying that you've ruined things by not trusting her. Given her behavior in recent months you'd need your head examined if you did trust her. I'm not saying that it's okay for you to go snooping around looking for her car or that all of your relationship problems are her fault. You both need to be all in for things to work and that includes working through your trust issues. I really think you need to keep your guard up until she's ready to fully commit to restoring your marriage. If not, she's just going to string you along in perpetuity.

I feel for you ESL. The hurt and angst are palpable.

The question you will ultimately have to answer is how long you can live with the yo-yo cycle that she is controlling. She gives a few signs that things might improve and you are euphoric and hopeful, then she casts you off again and you are in despair. Draw you in and push you out.

While I hope you find reconciliation, I can say from my own experience that this cycle not only caused so much pain, it also kept me stuck, not able to move on and heal and not able to consider any other future.

I'm over a year into the cycle, and I'm doing better now with some boundaries to protect myself, but I'm not perfect. For example, this past Sunday she invited me over for dinner and mentioned that it would have been our anniversary. Believe me, I was aware of our anniversary and the lack thereof. So, I accepted the invite, but did not allow any expectations of it being a sign of anything or leading to anything. She just had surgery and was hurting too much to cook, so it ended up with me getting our favorite Indian food take-out and bringing it to her house. The dinner ended up with the kids, my step-daughter's boyfriend having a new job offer in WI, a congratulations balloon, his mother being there, lots of advice on negotiating the offer, etc. There was nothing about the anniversary. I said "happy anniversary" to her in a private moment, and she said "not exactly, I don't think that applies."

So, I was fine with the night because I hadn't bought in to reading anything into the invite. I didn't let myself have any expectations. If I had, it would have been another draw him in and push him out and I would have been hurt.

Only you can decide how much you can take, when to begin setting up boundaries and managing expectations to protect yourself. As always, I wish you well.

A couple of questions:

1) How is her relationship with her dad? I thought I read that he wasn't all that great.

2) Was the car that was at the bagel shop, coworker that she is drawn to's, car?

Some things to think about:

1) When she is not around her work, it is all about you. Her feelings for you come around and you and she get closer.

2) She has to know you drive by her work every morning unintentionally, cus that is your route. So would she really do this right under your nose knowing you are going to see her car not at the job, but at the bagel shop along with his car?

3) This drawn to thing, could be something on a non-intimate level. Again, how's her relationship withher dad?

All in all though, while she says one thing, you will never really know what is what unless it is in your face. You can assume there is something with this guy, or that he was there unplanned at the same time, it could happen, sure. But at the same time, you have to not be scared to put boundaries in place and set a timeline on when YOU are done with the yo-yo.

It appears you are not there yet, and I wouldn't blame you given the last week or so, especially since you's have gotten more intimate. But you cannot, and I would not, ignore that you are now right back where you were before the surgery and it was NOT cus you did anything. When someone doesn't want to answer, discuss or even acts out when asked a question, there is usually something behind your theory. No one goes from 0-100 in a matter of seconds if they are on the up and up. Like most of those here whose ex's have acted out when questioned, it wouldn't be like that if there was nothing to hide.

THanks again all

@chitownbear -

so to answer some questions... Her relationship with her father isn't the best.. they get along, but she has sufford from emotional abandonment issues from him all her life.. they really came out after her parents divorce and is apparent attachment to his girlfriends young daughter.. My wife was really hurt by this... One of the reasons i suspect her larger issue is her emotions dealing with her parents divorce and lack of father figure..

The car at the bagel store was his... the story i got was she was passing by and saw his car and stopped in to grab breakfast, he was there getting bagals for his team, and they decided to just eat there. ( either way this isn't acceptable to me) but out of my control.

as far as being drawn to him, I dont know for sure, but what she stated to me was, that she has never acted on it, its never been discussed, but she does feel a draw to him, she doesn't really know what it is... I suspect this guy being 20 years older, and supposidly happily married with 4 kids is more of a father figure to her, but she is confusing her feelings and emotions for him making her feel how can i have feelings for someone else and be married. This would be a direct coorolation to her issues with he father.. but again this is my assumption, and only she can really know. It will take her to realize this difference for things to change.....


Now an update on yesterday and last night.... We got home and talked, i explained myself, I apoloigized, she just wanted to take a nap so i let her be... we went about our evening normal, even sat on the couch together at one point. except around 8:30pm she ran to her friends house.. she was out an hour, and then came home. She came home and again things just normal, we went to bed and she asked if i wanted to watch one of our tv shows so we did.... After the show, I said to her... are you still mad at me? She said, no, I said are we good now? She said yes...i dont know what im feeling anymore ( meaning she is confused ) She pulled me in for a hug, and i kissed her good night.

THis morning we got up for work, she showered, didn't hid herself, got dressed in front of me, we talked a bit.. we laid back in bed together cause we had extra time... When she left, she said good bye and came to me for a kiss... ( this is something ive payed attention to, for the most part its me seeking the affection ) THis morning she came to me.

We also met home about 11 pm to bring my daughter to school for her easter show, afterwords we left for work again and i went to her and kissed her bye again... So far thats been my day.

So all in all, a bit of a yoyo as everyone has mentioned, but the up side has been much higher then its ever been. We shall see... Im nervous as this thursday was supposed to be the mediator consultation, we had a brief discussion about it last week, she still was thinking about going not to mediate, but just to get information incase. I said id rather not, i said id like to keep things positive and moving forward, going to that is just a big negative thing to deal with, if needed we can always go in the future... she said ok, but it didn't seem like she was totally ok with that. So i dunno....

Sounds like there is still solid building happening. It is going to be slow and sometimes you'll lose some ground before making it back up. Just don't give up. Sure it is hard. It is damn painful. Throwing in the towel would be easier, no doubt, but I suspect that is not our way, you and I.

Good Morning All... just an update here.. not alot has changed, although some disappointments occured. Our mets opening day plans are now not happening, she claims she has a big meeting at work that same day now. When i told her i guess i wont go now since id be going alone, she felt bad i think... I asked her if she was 100% sure she can't get out of the meeting, she said she could try but didn't know. I dont think she will try to be honest. Last night she was exhausted, she got home early from work which was surprising, cooked dinner, we ate, then pretty much spent the evening relaxing although we didn't talk much, she just played on her phone.... I asked her if she wanted to play a card game we used to play all the time she said no she was just exhausted... Around 8pm she said she just wants to go to bed... so I said go lay down ill put the kids to bed... Our night was over pretty early.

This morning her alarm went off and she snoozes for a good 45 min... I moved to her side of the bed and cuddle with her for those 45 min... Then she got up to shower, a few minutes later i went in to the bathroom and asked if I could jump in with her, it was hard to read, it seemed like she didn't want me to, but she said sure... so I did.. we just talked a bit, i rubber her shoulders then we got out.. When she left for work she came to say good by, gave me a kiss, i said i love you but no response ( she may not have heard me the first time as my daughter spoke up the same time ) She kissed my daughter then looked at me and gave me another kiss, i said I love you again, and she said it back.

Im strugglying with my own internal feelings now though... I can't get this draw to the other guy out of my head... it makes me question everything right now.. If she is lying to me or not, if her saying i love you is just out of guilt or if she really means it, im filled with anxiety the last few days.. I can't shake it... her being confused isn't comforting.. it leaves me scared, and makes me start to think negativly. im trying hard to remain positive, trying hard to focus on moving forward. her distance is still present although not as much as it was. I dont know how to deal with the draw to this other guy... I suspect its more of a fatherly figure, but it hurts me just the same. She doesn't seem to think he is a factor in our relationship... That it has nothing to do with him, its us. But how can there be an US if he is there as a distraction to her, and even me? Even if its just friends, and more of just a fatherly figure filing gaps her own father failed to fill.. I was so happy for a week or so, and i feel myself slowly slipping back to crying again. Is this just a bad day? am i over analyzing things now? I dont really know anymore. maybe i dont want her. maybe ill never see past some of this... Im affraid again.. and its not something i enjoy feeling.

Do you think maybe you're pushing too hard for normalcy? She wanted a divorce two weeks ago ago and now you're jumoing into the the shower with her and snuggling u to her in bed. She's admitted to feeling confused so maybe she finds your behavior a little overwhelming. I completely understand your desire to get things back to normal and out an end to the pain. I just don't want you to shoot yourself on the foot by pushing too hard. You also need to continue to guard your heart until such time as she fully recommits to your marriage.