Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
Nothing about this made much sense to me till I read your original post again.
You posted she finally opened up and said "loss of passion and under his thumb." were her reasons to separate.
None of this thread is talking about her reasons to separate.
This thread is based on what you have come up with your research. or what you think could be wrong.
I know a few people who have felt like they couldn't breathe cause they were under someone's thumb, and they left..
Maybe I read it wrong, if I did, I'm way off base.
I do know if someone told me my marriage depended on me giving them some space, that is what I would do. I would not ask her where she was going or who she was with. I would continue to help with the kids and house cause that is only fair.
I would lay off trying to get her to agree to multiple things in the future. I would live from day to day and do the best I could.
The more space she wants, the more frantic you become to draw her back in. I'm hoping you will chill a little, this may help.
I wish you the very best of luck and hopefully something will work.
All I see you doing is defending your actions and hers really. Whether you are addressing us, your family, her or even yourself. You are consistently in a defensive state. Your last comment here is proof enough without me pointing out all the others in this thread.
I guess what I am trying to get at is you are backpeddling in more ways then one.
Dont get me wrong, you have every right to have hope and want to work hard towards resolution. I wish more people had your resilence and "want" for that relationship. You love your wife, kids and life. There is nothing wrong with that. But I think because of that, you are gripping tighter on to anything you can in order to keep that hope, and love alive. That is why her little and I mean really little shows of affection, you are analayzing and taking as something that is a part of the cement to bind yous'. Yet, it isn't anything like that at all. But when you are in a tailspin all you are going to do is reach out to grab on to clouds as you fall where we all know, with clouds, there is nothing to hold on to and we are going to just fall right through them. Yet, you continue to defend and justify.
She continues to be distant, she continues to ignore your requests to do "couple" things, and she continues to get irk'd when discussing the issues. I mean, you drove by and saw her with this fella she admitted being drawn to and when you asked her about it, (which was in a calm state and any spouses God given right), she got upset with you and turn it back on to that its your issue. Thats insane. I mean, its your usual route, dude. How would you not see? Not to mention, how could you not react to that. I think any red-blooded person would, especially given your situation. Her expecting you to not react, is not only unrealistic of her, but in a way, a form of controlling the situation. Next time, I wouldnt just drive by and text later all nicey nice to not "offend" her, I would stop at the bagel shop and get a coffee with them.
Listen, you can sit here and justify this or that, continue to walk on egg shells because you feel it will push her farther away, but if you haven't noticed, she is no closer to you then before regardless of all her little "I need attention" moments where she draws you in. Regardless that she, in a moment of your sister being in her face asking about something 8 months from now, she said "Hell Yes!", it means nothing to her in the end dude. That committment can be broken just like the other ones she has broken; the Mets game, etc.
The whole "dont be mad at me cus I am going with the girls already to a concert." was because she made and is making plans to do things without even considering doing them with you. Not only that, she isn't even considering telling you she is wanting to do them. Yet you sit here and say "why would she think I would be mad?" Um, because she knows why you "should" be mad and she knows her actions are sneaky and shady. If you are still confused let me say again, she thinks you would be mad because she has made and is continuing to make plans without you and without even talking to you about these plans.
She is leading her own life.
You are following along...
I know you want what you want and I am not one to play games with people to get what I want. So I am not going to tell you to play hard to get, to not cater to her in order to make her want you, and so on. I am going to tell you those things because you need to do them for yourself! So you can start liking yourself and your life again. You need to get back on leading your own path, whether she is in it or not. You can leave the opportunity there and she knows you will do ANYTHING with her so dont fool yourself she is thinking the same as you, cus she aint. You need to KNOW that she isn't going to be making any plans with you, so go on about your day and make your own plans. Maybe you can tell her you what you are doing in conversation and then go about and do it. Because truth be told, if she wants to do something with you, she will let you know. History has proven that. That is how she is operating. At least that is what I am reading, dude.
You say you dont control her, that you dont know why she feels she is under your thumb cus you don't do anything to control any actions in the relationship. Which we all know by reading your threads. So the focus isnt about what you are doing, as much as it is what she is feeling and why. It probably has nothing really even to do with you, except you are there. Damn you! :)
She has some things she needs to work on with a counselor or therapist herself. Her issues probably stem from how she has felt her whole life and that can certainly ruin, disrupt and even end a relationship without there being fault on the other partner. You just breathing could annoy her at times, and well, you gotta breathe dude.
just sayin
There are no "I told you so's" here.
Take what time you need, and come by when you need. Also, if you don't feel like posting here, you have a journal in your member area you can post random or even insane thoughts to where no one else will see. (As long as you select private" as the option when posting them. :)
My only assumption is, its not really you dude. She has her eye on something else, my friend. and my thoughts are, that took a turn in her direction, which then threw you out of the car on the side of the road.
Im sorry.
Please dont let her control this anymore. cry your eyes out, put a mattress or something soft, (cus walls and anything hard can do real damage to you you'll regret later), and give your love and attention to your kids.
She is on her own now. Please make sure you grant that wish for her.
Strength and peace to you.
You are stronger then you give yourself credit for.
If it was me, I wouldn't go home tonight, dude. If you have to tend to your kids, then get your ass home. If you dont have to, then make plans to stay with a friend or family member. You are not in a good spot to be around her now and my ONLY fear is you will do more damage to your own heart by having to be around her right now.
Maybe, if you have to tend to the kids, then make plans for all of you to stay with a family member or friend for the whole weekend even if that option is available. Or take your son and daughter out this weekend without her. Spend time with your maternal family as well. Get yourself around those who know your true value and efforts. You are going to need that right now and it will help.
Much strength your way
Www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
It's really informative and it helped me a lot in the early months and I still read it from time to time. Believe me you are gonna be fine. You deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. It's a rough road but totally survivable. The pain does diminish over time. Take care.