Well... not much of a change this evening... we went to the doc, and she had me in the room, held my hand while the doc did his exam, she was in pain... she had questions for him, then turned to me and asked if I had any.. I was very involved.. Came home and her mom came over, we had dinner, it was a normal night... She went to take a shower, and her mom came to me and said, things seem better... I said yeah, but im still cautious, she was pretty verbal about not wanting me, I just need her to be verbal that she does if its really what she wants... I then asked her mom, what happened when they last spoke.. I said i saw her crying in the car... Her mom confirmed that she is just really confused... So i guess thats a step up from definatly not wanting this marriage, but does still leave me teadering on an edge... My wife also said to me that she had her therapy session today, and I said oh good... did you stll want to talk to me, cause she mentioned she wanted to wait till after therapy. She said yes she does... but that was the end of the convo and I haven't brought it up again. I figure if/when she is ready to talk she should know by now I am all ears... so we shall see... still have my eyes forward, and still being the good husband and father i know I am.

Rough morning for me emotionally... I think the last several days have worn me out a bit... Things are relativly good, the affection has been alot more, but still mostly me conforting her. I find myself in a tough spot, i can't expect her to be to affection it given her physical and emotional state after this surgery... but at the same time i struggle to find signs of hope. This morning was tough, i drove her to work cause she is still on pain meds... When we got to her office, she said thank you and got out of car... I was hoping for a hug, a kiss would have been normal in the past but i didn't expect it. I dropped her off about an hour ago and texted her asking if she was doing ok... no response. Im worried that back into her normal routine will just pull her away from me again. Ive often wondered if on an emotional level she is connected to someone in her office, if she is, im not sure what i could do about that.. not sure if id want to do anything... But i just dont know.... I knew going in to this there were two outcomes... 1... she would open her eyes... or two, i would open mine. Its still to early to tell, and of course alot hinges on that talk she mentioned she wanted to have but has yet to have it. I dunno.

Personally my hurt heart and mind always convert the unknown into the worst possibilities... Friends talking her out of our relationship, a potential interest at work, looking to solidify plans to leave, etc. You have to find the strength to fight those self-destructive thoughts and feelings. Keep focused on your own thoughts and actions. Make new plans that add to your strategy. How about setting up something fun for the both of you? If she's struggling with pain, take out and a movie she'd like. If she's up to it maybe a dinner date with friends. She needs to add having new fun times to the lengthening list of ways she is appreciating you. It seems to be working for me. GOOD LUCK!

Thanks... that is good advice, not sure she is ready to do anything just yet.... I mentioned my cousins wedding this morning which is April 18th.. I mentioned i may need to get a new suit for it... Her response was i should either get a new one or have my tailored. I was hoping that would spark her mentioning something hinting she would be going with me... like a dress for her or something... but nothing... so i dunno.. we shall see.

Well. I guess patience is key. She asked me last night about the up coming wedding. She didn't commit to it but brought it up about her going. We also had s brief talk about what was in her mind. She didn't say much cause it was late and she was tired. But she said the surgery made her feel like she was dying. That she had feelings of wanting more and is now realizing how could she possible want more the her family. This is both good and bad. Good that she seems to be realizing what's at stake. But bad as it leaves me thinking. She wants more? More what? And how do I know in time she won't just want more again. Still a long road ahead of me. We shall see what happens.

You are doing fantastic showing her all you have been. Don't take this wrong but can you inject anything new into the relationship? With my situation I realized I had been making excuses about "being myself" or "it is just how I am," but the reality was I was not enabling important things to my wife. She is a social person and I am not. I expected her to accept me for who I am when it really was my responsibility to work to improve myself in that area. I wanted her to be satisfied with limiting herself to finding fulfillment exclusively with me and our family. I was denying her an important happiness in life: social fun with other adults. This may not be the case in your situation, but perhaps you can find something else that she has been wishing for that she feels she can only find without you. My wife is cautiously impressed with my efforts in this new self improvement but I can see she somewhat doubts I'll be able to keep it up. It is a test of sorts so I am committed to making this change a permanent investment in my marriage and future happiness. My experience is that my wife's happiness with our marriage is directly influenced by her general happiness. Bottom line is find a new way to add happiness to your wife's life.

ESL12, she is giving so many mixed messages here. It must be hard because you still love her. This is why you must find a way to put some boundaries up between you two, for the sake of your own emotional health. Allow yourself to ride the roller coaster of emotions and at times it will be a wickedly painful right and other times you'll feel its bearable. Your emotions are normal and won't kill you - will just feel like it :). Sound like you are a puppet on a string and she is the master. Be your own master. Let her go and do not put accept mixed messages. Find a way to put boundaries in place and do not allow those boundaries to be crossed. You owe it to yourself and to your kids.

Another update... She left for work early today saying she wanted to get starbucks... I left a while later and on my way I saw her car at a bagel store along with a co-workers car.... I was hurt, and decided to call her... I explained to her, that I dont want to fight, I dont want to ruin any progress we have made, but she cant continue to lie to me.. I told her I saw her car and where she was and who she was with... She claims she got starbucks and went to get a bagel, and the co worker happend to be there too... It was preplanned. Im struggling to believe that... but our conversation continued... I explained that I dont want to live in limbo.. that for months she has been vocal about not wanting me and our marriage, and I need to hear other wise... I said I dont need an answer now, i dont want to pressure you, but i also dont want to live in limbo... Her response was, that before she didn't want us... and she didn't want me there for her. but this past week she has felt different.. she does want me there, and does want me. She drove herself to work today, and said it was a mistake... that she wants me to take her the rest of the week... She said her seeking independence is stupid, she doesn't know why she can't just let me be there for her, but she wants me to be. I said, can we role with this? Can we move forward together? She said yes. I said all i need from you is to communicate, she said I have been... I said yes, but not fully... she said ok.... So again, I am cautiously moving forward, but signs slowly seem to be pointing in better direction... I will keep posting here as im sure it will still be a bit of a roller coaster... but things just may be going up finally... we shall see.

I seriously wonder if she's strining you along, in case her life away from your seems to scary or doesn't work out. You seem to be going up and down emotionally depending on what she does or says. Get control man and set some boundaries. Stand up for yourself.

@enough50- Thank you for your thoughts... I think your a bit late to the convo.. I agree with you 100%, however things about a week ago have changed... certainly for the better.. I am still cautious given its only been a week... but things are alot different... a further update, about an hour ago I emailed her about NY Mets opening day, we have gone every year for the last 10 years, last year she didn't go... I asked her if she had interest and she said yes, lets do it... She also stated the wedding April 18th, she was on the fence about going... she wants to go because she wants to have fun with me and the fam... but the doesn't cause he isn't a fan of my cousin.. ( im not really either ). We also talked this morning a bit more, I explained to her I dont want to live in limbo... she agreed... and said she knows he has been stupid, and that family is before anything else.. When getting off the phone, I said, You know how i feell.. I love you and hope you have a good day.. she responded with.. I love you too... This is very different then the last few months... granted, Im cautious, knowing that i could be strung along here, OR she could easily change her mind again... I dont think boundries of distancing myself is appropriate right now... Ive said it before, Ill say it again.. I know im a great husband, and I will remain true to myself... I will continue to be there for her, and be a husband until i can't anymore. Right now, she seems willing, and seems its what she wants... I can't predict the future, but im not going to destroy today worrying about tomorrow. One day at a time.

I have been following your thread ESL12 from the beginning and i am so glad to hear that things are getting better, knowing that there are still so many unknowns now but you have to celebrate the small victories as well. I was wondering if she has mentioned the appt you two have regarding the seperation in April? Is she going to cancel this now? Praying for you and your wife to make it!!

Thank you!.... Yes, I have been wondering about that appointment too... I haven't brought it up yet, I dont want to be to pushy and with her dealing with pain and recovery I dont want it to be all about me... Truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter today if that appointment is canceled or not... It matters that day.. That is another step in my mind in the right direction and would be just another small victory. You can be certain ill update here as things progress. I want to tread lightly and progress slowly... There is no sense in rushing it especially if this leads to a lifetime of marriage...

I am so happy to read your recent posts of positive progress in saving your marriage. Congratulations for your dedication and execution of loving actions as opposed to allowing the pain to move you to defensively pushing your wife away. Now, your wife needs to look within to find answers and take those important steps to consciously commit to "for better or for worse" for healing this marriage is going to occur when she heals herself. Having said that I caution you not to slick back into old routines. The status quo is your enemy and you need to find new ways to pleasantly change up her day to day life. Your actions will not really make any true progress in the relationship but it shows support for her. It presents a spirit of partnership by investing yourself and that you will not take her for granted. Of course this is only my opinion, and I'm simply outlining my own plans in my similar situation. Again, I'm thrilled to see that your wife is coming around and your future is showing such promise. (BTW - I'm envious of your opening day plans, though I must extend sympathies for you team of choice ;-) ).

yes, Being a Met fan i have sufford all my life!

On the wife front, some more updates... Things have progressed a bit more.. She confirmed she wants to come to the wedding, we also discussed the up coming holidays and i am included in those plans. Last night she cried, and said she finally is seeing the man she loved, and fell in love with and married. We hugged, and we kissed... It felt great... This morning she went to shower, and since she is still in pain and on meds, i checked on her, she was ok, and she asked me if i wanted to join her, so we showered together... Certainly a huge jump from hiding herself the past few months. We showered and talked. We got up early and both had extra time before we had to go to work, so we layed back down together in bed and kinda cuddled... She is in pain and can't lay on her side so it was more of leg on leg and my hand on her... we fell back asleep for a few min... All in all it was nice. I drove her to work today and when i dropped her off, she didn't kiss me good bye, but when she was saying good by a did a kiss motion with my lips, and she returned it.. I guess close enough for now. I dont want to rush things, but I do feel anxious to return to normalcy... for me the affection we had is slowly coming around, but not where it was. one day at a time i keep telling myself.. I hope in a few months ill still be on here talking about happier times... Thanks everyone for the support.

Look forward to the happy updates.