Be careful about worrying about the unknown. It causes unnecessary heartache and can even sabotage your efforts. I'm an expert on doing this to myself, so do as I say not as I do. Take some deep breaths and try your best to purge your mind of insecurity-driven second guessing and anxiety. Good luck!

So last night was a bit rough... Before i went home, i went to the doc to inquire about depression, its not normal for me to be so upset all the time... They prescribed me an anti depressent. The rest of the evening i struggled with if i should even tell my wife... I eventually did, and it sparked a convo. She is confused, and for her, my actions this past monday made her feel like my insecurity is still an issue.. She also is torn because she loves me and cares, but feels that our relationship isn't well. That she felt when she was at her most volunerable ( after surgery ), is when i was the man she married, i was secure and loving when she was completly dependent on me. As she got better and her depence on me got less, i became less secure again, and that really worries her. She was happy to hear i went to the doc, she just wants me to be happy and be well. i asked her not to tell anyone, i am a bit ashamed of it, even though i know its common and nothing wrong with it, just not something i need everyone to know. She said ok.

This morning we got up, she showered and came back to bed, i told her i had trouble sleeping, she asked what was on my mind and we talked abit more, more of the same, but i said to her, I know im having some issues and im working to get well... will you stand by me... She said haven't i been? I said yes, but i mean moving forward... She said i just want you tpo be well, and i want whats best for the kids. She left to blow dry her hair, a while later i walked in to bathroom to shower, she stopped and hugged me, said im sorry. We hugged a bit and then i showered. I got dressed, laid back down in bed... She came to me and said good bye for the day, kissed me and left.

My insecure feelings are drowning me and ruin my chance.. im mad at myself for it. I know she has given me some reason to feel insecure, but i also know im manufacturing some of it up myself, just not good... Im going to give the medication a try, it can't hurt at this point. I dont know if I really need it, but i shouldn't be crying all the time. and I should be having hese upset feelings... I just hope her and i can hang on long enough to right this ship.

Don't feel bad about the meds as they do a fantastic job of taking the dagger in the heart feel out of every day. You have been through emotional trauma and it messes with the chemicals similar to a virus messing with your immune system.

Unfortunately, during this time of vulnerability, your wife (as does mine) looks at you to measure her attraction to you. It is completely unfair to expect you to be this happy, confident, attractive man when you are walking around with a damaged heart exposed to the world. Fair has nothing to do with it, so put your superman cape back on. You can do this. Stay focused and committed. She will see the man she fell in love with.

Thank you... Im just struggling... and it doesn't help that what i really need is my wife, her love and support, but dealing with this and her distance is really the cause of my pain right now. Kinda double edge sword now. I can only hope she can find it in her heart to be here for me... but i suspect she feels there's just to much damage. I dont believe that, but thats been the argument from me all along. im not sure what else i can say or do.... Her kissing me this morning after our talks was comforting.. but i just dont know what her thoughts on it are. I haven't heard from her today yet since she left for work and I am fighting the urge to text her... Im torn again between just giviing her space to breath, and keep some form of contact. I guess ill see her home this evening anyway, i do look foward to it, but i also fear it at times too. We have the holidays this weekend which should be fun with both families.. Hopefully family time will help us both. im also told it take a couple of weeks for the medication to start working... I hope it starts sooner as i could really use the boost.

I've been on an anti depressant for a while, celexa, and it's been working pretty well. If u want immediate relief you should ask for a prescrip of low dose xanax like .25mg..this worked wonders for me early on, and helps until the other meds kick in if you got a SSRI. Take care.

Thanks all... the support is greatly appreciated... Im not sure i can get xanax in the next day or two but will try.

Just hoping we can have a good family weekend to keep things moving forward and allow more time for the meds to work...

that is one calculating, cold, cruel, wife and mother

and you, well it is sad to see you fool yourself

I think as we read each other's posts we tend to mold them into our own situations. For example, I see my wife in how you describe your wife's desire to love you for the good husband you are yet is conflicted with questions of what she truly desires. I naturally encourage you to be understanding and patient, for that is my own advice to myself. Refurb obviously had a much more manipulative and cold-hearted spouse who had no sensitivity for feelings and so that is how your wife appears in your posts. Only you know the truth. Read our suggestions and our own versions of support, then digest the information, and take from them what direction you feel helps you.

We all are hoping for healing for you and that you find happiness. Thanks for the updates because by trying to support you, we find some clarity in our own difficult situations.

Good morning and thank you all. We had a decent night. More of the same really but joked around some little signs of affection. I felt happier last night. Not sure if it's the meds or just a good day. I'd be shocked if meds helped that quickly. This morning has been uneventful. We shall see how the day goes. Thanks again all

Sad, very sad that we now have to walk on eggshells just to make sure we don't say or do anything that will make our wives feel their feelings of wanting to abandon their loving husbands are valid.

Is that how we now have to expect to live the rest of our married lives? Sucks we now have to think hard about how we are going to act or what we are going to say before we do it. Then to just second guess ourselves after saying or doing what we did...

I have to believe we are working to earn some kind of revelation from our wives. I agree with ESL12 that maintaining the romance of a courting attitude is healthy and will be appreciated, but I also understand the point you are making good, Tailspin916. I don't know if I could continue living with this intense anxiety indefinitely. Her recent actions have me terrified of the fire a was burned by, but those are simply instinctive. One problem with relationships nowadays is that some many let their resentment for any kind of hurt to motivate a quick flight from the marriage. I will not allow myself to abandon the one I love, even when she hurts me. I believe that with time, I will look back and realize this was when she needed me the most. She needs me to stick with her and have faith in us. Most will say that is naive, but that is fine by me.

Well from what I have read is the fact that you supported her during the surgery and suddenly had the awakening that you are a truly wonderful husband and now that she is getting better your security is going out the window because she doesnt want to spend the same time with you and once again you are feeling insecure because you are being manipulated emotionally. But your love for her bllinds you to this because you are willing to take the "gamble". This is why refurb can say she is calculating ect....I don't doubt she is confused or that on some level she still has love for you but I personally dont think she is looking out for your well being. This is not meant to demean or bash her in any way. Its just what I see happening throughout this post and your story reminds me of the things my husband would do to me to manipulate my emotions and get me to have feelings only to bash them not even a week later. So, i hope you find answers and peace

Thank you.. I dont disagree with any of you... i dont agree either. Truth is, only person who truely knows whats happening with her, is her. Its really only left me in the same position i have been... questioning myself as to how long im willing to deal with my situation. Could it get better yes... could it get worse.. yes. All I can do is put up with as much as i can, till i can't anymore, or until things are restored.

This weekend was ok, no negative events, nothing to drastic in a positive motion either. We had a busy weekend with the both families for the holidays, had a good time, and the light affection we have maintained the last couple of weeks as remained. Kiss good night, good morning and maybe one or two during the day... Most initiated by me, but not all. last night my daughter slept at her mom's house, so we had some extra time alone together, it was nice. We sat in bed, I gave her a massage, a full body one.. She loved it, and ill admit, it was nice to be so close to her, I had my hands on just about every inch of her body... Maybe manipulative of her, but i dont think she would let me touch her so much if she felt nothing? I dunno. Nothing sexual really, but her shirt was off, and she was just in her underware. Afterwards she thanked me.. we laid down, she kissed my hand... we watch a 30 min TV show of ours and went to bed... She kissed me good night. This morning was normal routine, she got up showered got ready etc.. we chatted a bit, i was laying in bed, she crawled into bed to say good by to me and kissed me. There are still alot of unkowns... her actions are hard to read because we having really followed them up with conversation. The only resent one's we have had she has said she is confused... That just leaves me confused. Leaves me wondering what i should be doing. But then i think i need to remain true to myself. So im trying to. I know ive said this before... It may not be fair to me, but if I have to sacrifice now a bit to save tomorrow I will. reality is.. where am i gonna go? I love her, she is my wife, and my family, we share a home, money and responsibilties... Where am I going to run to right now? I may as well stay and fight for my marriage till im forced not to. She seems receptive to staying for now, seperation talk hasn't happend in a month or so. Its not ideal, but its the cards im dealt right now. Hopefully time will move us closer together.

Another interesting update.... last year my sister got 4 free passes to universal in florida, we went with the whole family to orlando and did thanksgiving there. My sister today found out she is getting the passes again. they can be used anytime of the year. My sister emailed my wife and I asking if we wanted to do thanksgiving again down in florida with the passes. My wife responded quickly with a " Hell Yes!" I find that to be a bit of a positive sign, Thanksgiving is 7 months away and planing future family events is encouraging. Although doesn't gaurantee anything, its nice to see and hear.

Yes, you should feel good about your wife's reaction to future plans for a family trip. She needs to take some time and analyze her own reaction, for it indicates more than her "confused" mind has been admitting. The massages are good to try and maintain for I think it is a physical connection you may not have been able to make with her recently. Stay strong and don't let the unknown bog you down. Take comfort in the small victories as you continue.