Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
You have to wait and see if she if she follows through with it and that i believe is the hard part for you. I think if she got an attorney and put it in writing then it would be more clear for you but you yourself have to decide how long you can endure waiting for her to follow through and trust me it is a long and painful wait.
ESL12
ESL12
Yes... i agree, and why im still fighting for her... Its also why im laying low, but still being there for her.. Like the airport, and surgery... I know in the end it may be me being used... but ill know I did all I could... and ill know I didn't give up or abandon her. I just need her to realize these things somehow... but i can't make her see it... all i can do is be there and not abandon her.
ESL12
ESL12
Like I've said before. Maybe I'm making more of things then they really are. But today I came home to a package of photos she ordered. I asked if I could open it. She said yes. They were about 50 pictures a bunch of just the kids. Some of her and kids and some of me and the kids. There were also a bunch of her and I. And some of her and I with the kids. Why would she have those printed???
broken234
broken234
I think that your wife is confused just like my husband. I know that some days my husband wants our marriage back. However its not every day. He is not willing to try yet. But he still wants a connection with me. Your wife may be trying to hold on to a bit of what you had/have. But she may just want to keep some good memories. It is hard to say. I would protect yourself by not reading too much into it. Take it at its most simplest face value. that way you can protect yourself from a let down.
ESL12
ESL12
She is home now. Although I find some comfort with her here. Her distance still haunts me. I walk away to hid my tears. If she is confused. How do I not make things worse. I need to get away. I need to distance myself. I don't know how. I look at her and long for her touch. I think about just going for it and see what happens but fear further rejection. Why does my heart still beat for her. I need this pain to end but I don't want to lose what I fear I've already lost.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
What is it that you fear losing? What do you fear will happen if you lose it? only ask because I don't understand further rejection when it seems like she has already rejected this aspect of the relationship and set bounderies so I would not try unless she welcomes it. Have you tried telling her you miss this part of the relationship? Only you can answer why your heart still beats for her.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
" I only ask because I don't understand further rejection when it seems like she has already rejected this aspect of the relationship"...

E X A C T L Y....just know you're risking further heartbreak my friend, I do feel for you it's a crappy situation. At some point though you will have to protect yourself if you want to get through this...good luck
ESL12
ESL12
I fear if this is intact emotional abandonment issues. And I walk away essentially abandoning her in her eyes. Then any chance of her coming to her senses is gone. I was invited to my uncles tomorrow. She basically hinted that I could take the kids by myself. I'm not going to press the issue. But after she said that. I got quiet. She kept asking me what was wrong. I said nothing. After the 4 th time I said I don't want to talk about it. It's a pointless conversation that won't get anywhere... You know what's wrong. She didn't respond. A few min later she asked if my sister was going. I said I wasn't sure. That was the end of it.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
It must be very hard not to be able to communicate feelings for you. I can understand as it makes you extremely vulnerable at this time but my feeling is that she did abandon you and refuses to allow you to show emotion without some kind of retribution so you shut down and tell her nothing. So i think your real fear is speaking your mind. It is just an observation because i went through a similar experience where anything I said was wrong and so I stopped communication because i felt extremely vulnerable and felt nothing I said or did would be correct and I just said f this. I am losing anyway. I got the attitude you either love me or you dont and you need to decide and stop finding things wrong with me. So I can only suggest trying to get out your true feelings on paper even if you dont send it so you can see for yourself what you are truly feeling inside because i think you are denying yourself emotions that fit the situation. I could be wrong but is it worth a try just to be able to get out what she isn't "allowing" you to express to her.
ESL12
ESL12
I've said it all to her. And her usual response is she doesn't want to feel guilty. That it hurts her knowing how much she is hurting me. She is aware this is in her and she has to live with it. Claims she cares a lot about me and doesn't want to hurt me. So now I feel anything I say just makes her feel guilty which only makes her want to run away so she doesn't feel guilt and hurt from seeing me so hurt. I don't really understand it to be honest.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Noone likes to acknowledge they are hurting someone. But it would be nice if she did this Wouldn't it. I mean she says she knows they are her issues but she doesn't want to acknowledge she hurts others. How can she ever really address her issue?
ESL12
ESL12
Yes I agree. But it goes beyond that for me. I can't comprehend how she can acknowledge she has some issues and still be willing to destroy everything. This is bigger then just her and I and although I agree and understand we shouldn't stay together just for our kids or money or a house or our extended family, we should atleast try for all though reasons. Our kids deserve us to try more then anything. If it doesn't work out we did our best. But to not try and just give up is just plan stupid. We aren't just loosing a husband and wife. We are loosing in laws. Sisters brothers nephews aunts uncles. Holidays with families, friends and stability for our kids. A house and a stable home. Money to do for our kids will now be spent on seperate homes. Vacations. Summer camps and birthday gifts. It's a complete loss of family. Although we will both love and support our kids they will have all they need but not all they deserve. For all these reasons we should atleast try. A few weeks in therapy without communication isn't trying. It could take months if not a year or two to dig out but for many reasons it's worth that time and effort to atleast try.
broken234
broken234
I echo your statement ESL12.
I agree whole heartedly that trying is a must. IF you and your wife are being amicable with each other than that is half the battle won right there. If you constantly screamed at each other or fought all the time trying would be harder. But to not try......its just wrong.
My husband and I can get along great. Why can't he just try to work out some of his/our issues. I have made it clear that I will go to counseling together. Work on any issues that we have. Really listen to his concerns and issues that he has with me. But he simply doesn't want to try. I hear you that you don't want to abandon your wife because of her abandonment issues. I wouldn't just up and leave regardless of how hard it is to live with her. But you may reach a point where she will have to make the choice and you may have to force her to do it. If she isn't going to try to work on your marriage then she has to follow through with her decisions. She can't string you along forever.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Man I know how this sucks so bad, and you're right about the in laws, for 24 years we hosted Christmas dinners and Thanksgivings and Easters etc etc...last year was my first year doing all these without my ex wife and while it was hard we (my kids and I and my brother) made it work. But it was certainly a little heartbreaking. The first year is the worst I've heard. But it was my ex wife's choice to end it and we talked later after the holidays and I imagined her great holidays but she was really bummed because the kids chose to spend them with me..so she felt I came out of it great and "smelling like a rose", really having no idea how I've been struggling but she probably really didn't care as it was all about her.

After 3 weeks of living together after she dropped her bombshell I suggested counseling and really trying to make it work but she flat out said no, "we already discussed this.." Blah blah ...so I told her to keep packing. She was nice and kind and cooking dinners all the way up to the last day but she was determined to leave so there was no point for me to keep getting hurt. She was done so I made a choice I was too. I wasn't doing another weekend by myself while she left on Friday and came home Sunday all happy and cheerful...and I don't regret it either. She was crystal clear she had zero interest saving it so I had no choice but to tell her to leave. That's just my experience. Maybe you can save your marriage, but you can't do it alone I know that much.
ESL12
ESL12
Well. Another weird day. If I didn't know any better we are a happily married couple with kids. I did take the kids alone to my uncles. We didn't talk much this morning and I left around 9 am. I came home about 1 and she was normal and happy to see me. We shopped together online mostly her but she asked for my input and even found an item or two for me that she added to the cart. I found a sexy bathing suit on the sit and said she would look hot in it. She said it was way to sluty to wear out in public. So I said you can wear it around the house. She laughed and we continued shopping. I ran out to the bank and get gas and she called me asking if I could pick up some sonic. She had s craving. So I did and we ate together and shared a milk shake. We watched a movie together with the kids and now just kinda hanging. I don't really know what to make of things. Either she is confused or really stringing me along for some long term goal. I can't imagine the person I love and married would be capable of that type of evil but then again I never would have dreamed Id be in the position I am now. I just don't know. I guess time will tell at this point.