Well... things havn't changed much... she still seems to be struggling with intimacy, and affection for the most part is one sided... Another observation ive made is she is hesitant to make any plans with me.. plans that would be just us. I asked her last week if she would like to do dinner and show in NYC, she didnt respond.. when i asked her why she didn't respond to that, but did to other emails, she simply said she isn't sure she wants to do those things.. Today I sent her an email with the line up of music at our local theater for the entire summer asking if there were any shows she would want to see... no response.. but again texted and emailed about other things. its a bit confusing when just yesterday she was excited and all in for a trip to florida with the whole family for thanksgiving. I dont entirely understand it. I am getting a bit tired of her holding back, its enough already. If things are to progress she needs to let go of what ever crap is holding her back. I also texted her about having one of her friends and husband with there son over for dinner, something we do frequently with them cause our kids are same age. We haven't done dinner with them in a while, no response. not sure if I should ask her why, or just take a hint and stop? If we are going to really reconnect, we need to do things, and do some of them together. im not asking for everyday, or even every week, but an occasional fun time together is needed. She just doesn't seem to have interest in it right now... and im getting a bit tired of it.

Well.. she finally responded to my concert email, mentioning one we should take our daughter to. and also mentioned, "dont be mad, but im already going to dave mathews bang with the girls" I had no idea baout these plans, and am fine with it, just wish i knew. I find it interesting she was concerned i would be mad? Not sure what that means. But still no response or suggestions if there are any other shows she would want to see with just me.

This is really one sided. Takes two to make it work. Let me ask you, are you gonna keep giving her full body massages with zero intimacy through the thanksgiving trip? Personally I would sit her down and get some kind of commitment to making your marriage work unless you enjoy walking on eggshells through the holidays. No one deserves how you're being treated but you can only be taken advantage of if you allow it. Good luck...this situation wouldn't work for me though but everyone has their own path. Hope it works out for you.

I think she is undervaluing what you have been doing for her because she is questioning whether she wants the attention. My wife was showing the exact same symptoms. Sure she loved the benefits of whatever attention I gave her, but she was uncomfortable that I was so single-mindedly focused on her for so long. She came to dread being around me even when she liked getting something from me. For example she loved my massages but was uncomfortable with my touching her entire body (which is what I was focusing on and it was painful.) She loved how I took care of everything for her, but she did not show appreciation because she did not want to give me the wrong feeling about her emotions.

You might try doing some things for yourself, too. I know when I started focusing on improving my horrible fitness, my wife showed some interest. When I started doing some things with my extended family and showing I had interests and fun without my wife, I became more attractive to her. Once I did this then mixed in enough changes and fun, she realized she is very attracted to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the clear. I know I am still fighting for my marriage, long-term. I just am sharing things that have improved the outlook for me, especially in the short-term.

Idontmakeher may have a good point. Work on yourself to make yourself more attractive, don't puppy dog her so much. Show her you can survive without her. Don't smother her so much, go to the gym or driving range, whatever..,hang out with your own friends. Show her you too have a life. Book a concert with some friends like she did. If you don't give her a chance to miss you.. she wont.

How do you expect your wife to realize your worth when you don't even seem to realize it? There's no incentive for her to make any changes because none are required. She gets to treat you like crap with no consequences. You just keep on doting on her. You are way too available. Coop and Idontmakeher are right. Spend some time focusing in yourself. Give her the opportunity to see your worth separate and apart from your relationship with her.

yes, you are all correct, and I appreciate the advise.. I certainly can do a better job at doing a bit more for myself... I do at times. its tough with the kids, as i love being with them.. This past weekend my wife took our daughter to go shopping and stuff, and I took my son to run errands that i had to get done. im also going to be leaving on the 19th for 10 days for work. Ill be in ireland. So leading up to this trip im spending as much time with the kids as i can, simply because ill miss them. Ill miss her too, not sure how she will feel, miss me or relieved. I dont know. Im not catering to her 24/7. There are plenty of days that i dont reach out to her during the day, but she eventually texts or calls me. The massage was once this past week and 20 minutes of our day. Believe me, I do agree this effort is very one sided, but i dont want the impression to be im catering to her every desire. The week of her surgery i did, I did everything for her, but now that she is feeling better, im no longer doing it all. She has resumed her part with the kids, even has cooked dinner a few times. We are both usually home, she really doesn't go out and do much either, yes she planned the concert, but thats not till June. Im going to Mets opening day next week without her. She was originaly going to go too but can't now. so im still going with friends...

Ill also fully admit my view on my own situation is clouded... Its difficult for me to determine whats right and wrong with both my own actions and hers. I do try to focus on myself at times, but im drawn to her. I guess seeking her acceptance in a weird way. She is holding back.. why.. im not clear anymore. She still shows little signs of affection, like this morning kissing me good by again. My patience for its running thin, but im not willing to give up on it all.. not yet atleast. Im trying as hard as i can. I have moments of weakness, and moments ot strenght.. I guess that only makes me human.

You are doing a great job, and let me tell you I know how extremely hard it can be. Right now your sensitivity to her actions is amped up so high you are second-guessing her every motive for her every action. Before all this happened, she probably did this stuff a lot and you didn't give it a second thought. Let go of worrying about what you cannot control. Focus on making yourself the confident, happy man she is attracted to and wants to be around.

I know with me, my instincts were to constantly try to do things my wife would appreciate or make her happy. Everything I did at first had an alterior motive or agenda attached. I saw that pushing her away and had to make a quick adjustment or risk losing her forever. That adjustment was to work on making myself more desirable and make daily life more fun, less routine, and just plain different for her. I realized the status quo was causing this separation so I had to get away from it without losing the good things she liked in it.

Sorry she has been resisting your attempts at new and different fun dates. I don't think you should give up on that, but show her what she might be missing by having fun without her. Good luck and God bless.

Feel anxious today... not entirely sure why... just hate feeling like this.. Ive been a strong confident person my entire life, and this situation has completly broken me... I hope things turn soon, not sure how long i can deal with this. .

Don't let that fear of the unknown control you. I know it well. It is important to find a way to relax a little. I started doing a lot of walking which developed into jogging and some working out as I search more and more for relief from the anxiety. Nothing works 100% but it helps. The meds can help take some of the edge off but I don't think you can expect them to work exclusively. Praying for some peace for you.

Thanks... im not sleeping well which isn't helping either.. last night i woke up around 2 am and my head starting going... gave me that anxious feeling in my stomach and i couldn't sleep. I think it was because when we were going to bed last night, we kissed good night, and then i asked her how she was feeling about us. Her response was... can we talk about it tomorrow im really tired. I said ok, and we went to bed. That can't be a good thing though. If she felt good about us i think she would have said so. im starting to feel like this will not go anywhere anymore. That she still feels its to far gone. Sad thing is, if she just put a lil effort in things would be alot different. I dunno. I guess we shall see.

Your marriage will not correct it's course without her being totally invested, but you can't simply wait for that to happen. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. You cannot control her, but continuing in an established routine will only perpetuate the problem. You cannot sit back and wait for her to come to her senses. The actions you own in this project of saving the marriage must involve making some changes. Don't let the emotions of pain, frustration, and desperation control you. You are going to experience good and bad days and you can't let them take your eyes off the end goal by looking for victories in each and every thing you do. This will be a long, hard road ahead. Only you can do this, for if you give up, there will not be anyone trying to mend your marriage.

Stay strong and committed. From your posts, I know you have the love and drive to do this!

I do have a ton of love and desire.. I want nothing more then my marriage and happiness together. I dont know how or what to change. I feel my only change would be to turn from her. Let go, and live my life as if she just isn't a part of it. I dont know what i can do daily or weekly to change. I dont know how willing she is to try. she puts in tiny efforts, kiss hello, kiss good bye... The talk about future trips... but daily it seems she is distant. daily i feel her holding back. Not sure what i can change. Maybe im to hurt to see it, maybe im to anxious to try something different. I just dont know. I can't shake the feelings im having and i fear its only hurting my situation. I feel weak and unable to stop these anxious sad and hurt feelings. I know i need to build that into strenght and confidence, i need to do more for myself, make myself more attractive... but i can't seem to figure out how.

I think that I understand what you mean. Even though I reached the point of giving up hope I think that you still have a marriage that can still be saved. You are both in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and their is no Other Man in the picture. I think that you feel like you always want to be around her, looking at her reactions to things, looking for clues for more hope, looking for signs, wanting to be in her presence, hear her talk to you. Acknowledge you. I know because I still do this and I end up in pain. I end up feeling anxious and nauseous. I still do this knowing that I can never trust my husband again. That we will probably never work it out. I think when we do this we smoother our spouses. They feel watched, judged and monitored even though that is not our intention. We do make our selves too available to what ever they want because YEAH!!!! they want us for something and we were there to give it to them. We feel validated but yet on a small level I think we are used and under appreciated as a result. You have to have your own life full of things. Your own things to do, even in the house when you are together. Make her fight for your attention. Don't give in too easily. Of all the lousy things my husband has done to me since my ordeal started a few months ago, him telling me that he knows I will be around anytime he just has to snap his fingers is forethe most part true. I have created boundaries with my words but not my actions. I am not suggesting that you are stalking your wife, but perhaps a little indifference towards her can go a long way.

Thannks Broken... your right on so many points... Ive been trying to be my own person even at home.. I take charge with the kids by doing more. I find myself doing more around the house just to keep busy, but she may see it sa something else... Like ill cook, and clean just to keep busy. cleaning up after her even if she cooked, after the kids etc. Maybe i should stop some of those things. I dunno. Its hard.. im sure you know that already. Thank you and good luck to you too!