You might be right Missy... i am struggling to find that fine line... I dont know whats right and wrong at this point... I dont want to put to much space there that the feeling of love from me isn't seen or felt. last week on two occasions she asked me to join her in the shower. This morning was the first time in a few days that we did that. The cuddling this morning was the first time in 2 weeks i did that as well... we have done the hand on leg and back rub thing but that was me conforting her during the worst part of her recovery. I just fear that as she is feeling better and less dependent on me, she will slip back to the old feelings... I can't control that so much, but if that happens, I dont think i can do much else.

Even though you are there and are in the best position to judge how she is, you may not be in the most unbiased state of mind to make that judgement. You so desperately want continual signs of confirmation of her feelings for you that you are pushing for those signs instead of doing things to instill the feelings within her. I fight with myself on this every day. You need to understand you are currently in competition with her doubts. Stop trying to force her reactions and start making yourself desirable. She fell in love with you for many reasons. Start exercising those traits she has been attracted to.

You may do many of these things already, so forgive my reminding you. I'm only offering suggestions that are working for me. Charm her with confidence, smiles, humor, and a sunny disposition. Be polite, open doors for her, bring her morning coffee, etc but do them all without any apparent agenda. I'd refrain from flirting unless initiated by her. My wife is attracted to me when I interact with children, whether ours or others, so I take advantage of any opportunity to do so around her. Do not exclusively rely on past "go to" activities such as cards or TV shows to generate interaction between you two. Use them but you need to realize you need new ways to engage her. Why is she thinking of her boss? Only because he is different and she is under the misconception she might need different right now. Inject something different into her life yourself. Spice things up with a little variety. But don't do it with any desperation as she will pick up on it. It is possible she will doubt your intentions anyway but you might spark her curiosity. Stick with it to prove you are genuine.

My final suggestion is the most difficult to follow. Her doubts are ruling her; don't let yours rule you. Stop showing jealousy. Don't ask her about him or what she is doing anymore. You are not in the position to be this open about your feelings.

Fight, ESL12, fight for your love! Praying for your success, brother.

Thanks idontmake....

you are right, your 100% right... When i was caring for her the first few days, she started to cry... i asked her what was wrong and she said, This is the main i fell in love with, the man i married... It was nice to hear, but also makes me confused and concerned.. I am always there for her when she needs me... but if she doesn't allow me to be.. How can I be the man she loves... Ive been trying daily to be there for her, to do for her... This saturday, she is going to brunch with my daughter and a girlfriend of hers... So I told her to take my car, I am going to take her car to get something fixed on it. ( minor issue washer fluid bottle leaks ) ill take my son with me and look at cars, he will love it, and ill be doing for her. I guess im looking for some return on my effort... you all might be right, my impatience is getting to me.. I need to step back and let time take it course... But i have feelings and needs to, I curb them alot.. but this morning i felt a need to feel close to her so I cuddled... she didn't push me away, but not sure if she enjoyed it or not. I struggle with setting my feelings and needs aside all the time.. truth is I shouldn't have to. But how can I be the man she married if she wont let me.... Thats my biggest struggle... she has let me lately, especially after this surgery. but as she heals, then what? I can't just be there for her only when there's a crisis... and she can't just want me at time of crisis.

So many parallels to my experience...

Could her "playing on her phone" have been texting?

ESL12. - You cannot fix this fast. You need to steel yourself for a lengthy endeavor followed by a long recovery. At this stage your goal is to get her to commit to the marriage. The process is not over at that point, though, for then she needs to address the flaws within herself that allowed her to come to this place. Do not forget that, but at this point you should be only focused on getting her to commit to you and her love for you. Yes, you are only a man and all men have needs. It is obvious from your posts that your wife and family are the priorities in your life, so feeling reciprocal love from them is a driving need for you. You will have to selflessly sacrifice expecting fulfillment in this for a while. Take comfort that you are investing in a return in love. There is no way to expect yourself to be perfect in this venture but stay as true to it as possible. If you falter and allow your needs to emerge, recover as quickly as you can and get back on track.

It will be very difficult, but it will be worth it in the end.

@mlewisct - I would think the same thing, but it was FB, I could hear the video's she was watching on it, and once or twice she laighed at something and i asked what it was and she showed me.

@Idontmake...

Your right.. and thank you for the boost... Your words have made me feel alot better today. I know its easier said then done... I have to try to give up myself a bit and focus on the end goal, not the immediate goal. Thank you. Small steps... right now i have a small piece of her back.. I should be happy about that and focus more on what i do have, rather then what i dont have.

AMEN!

Feeling down. Trying hard to put a smile on before she comes home. She had dinner with her aunt tonight. I texted her around 530 and she was driving so I said call me. She did we chatted for a few min but she wanted to get off the phone to call one of her girlfriends. I said ok. Love you bye. She said love you back but I felt like her tone was of disgust. I dunno. Could be me just worried. Bottom line. I don't know if I should just stop the attempts at any affection. But I feel there may not be any if I stop. That in itself is a telling sign. I'm filled with anxiety tonight. Tomorrow is the date the mediation was scheduled for. Her and I havnt discussed it other the. Last Friday convo at her office. Today the mediator office called me to confirm our appointment. I was taken off guard. I asked if they called my wife they said yes and left her a VM. I said I'm in an awkward spot. I don't want to do this. Things have been better but I'm not sure if she still does. The women understood and said she will wait for my wife to call back and call me to let me know what she says. If my wife didn't call back they would cancel the appointment. I havnt heard from them or my wife about it. Atleast not yet. I won't feel ok with it until tomorrow evening comes and goes. But I know that still doesn't mean in out of the woods. I'm still deep in it and still lost. No idea which direction will lead me out. I hope my wife can show me some signs of a brighter path. Time will tell I guess.

I feel your confusion and anxiety, as I experienced small setbacks last night, myself. We just have to keep plugging away. I don't think we can expect reciprocated affection at any given moment and pushing it may cause our wives to pull away. Don't allow yourself to feel that improvements gained in the relationship are concrete. Progress in our marriages is fluid and can reverse as easily as continue. I pray you don't have to go through the mediation meeting, but if you do, don't let it break you. Take one minute at a time and put your best foot forward. If she cancels it, don't take that as a sign to relax either.

I know it is so very hard to keep this up. I ask myself when will I be able to stop strategizing everything? When will I feel secure again? I don't know, but we can't give up.

Well, my morning update... She got home around 8:30 last night from dinner with her aunt, we spoke briefly and she went to shower then put our daughter to bed.. She came to bed around 10 and was tired and just wanted to go to sleep, i was falling asleep myself.. She came to me and kissed me good night and we went to bed. This morning she wasn't feeling well, she showered and was getting ready.. I got up and went to her and gave her a 5 to 10 min massage of shouders and back, she said t felt great and made her feel better, I kissed her shoulder as i got up to shower. We car pooled to work today and went to grab coffee on the way he, I was a bit turned off as pretty much the entire car ride she was on her phone with a group text with a bunch of people from her office taking a coffee order. One of them was the guy she is drawn too... was painful to pay for his coffee.. but i realize it wasn't about just him it was a group text. We got to her office and she got out of the car said have a good day thank you, no kiss.. I said thanks you too, she said ill talk to you later on. I said sounds good and left. Now i am here in the office... Still feeling anxious, but not as much. There was no discussion of the mediation, we have plans later to grab a late lunch and pick up her car as she needs it later for her own therapy session tonigh. We shall see how the day goes.

@idontmake.... Just want to say your right in many ways, however one thing i disagree on is the waiting for the day to stop strategizing. I dont think that day ever comes. i mean that in a sense that we should always be courting our wifes.. granted, they should be doing the same. Some of that effort takes strategy, maybe not as much as we have to do today, but i think it will always be there. My issue today isn't so much my effort, its lack of hers.. Your right though, I need to keep pushing foward without expectatoin of her effort in return, hopefully that comes on its own one day. praying.

You are right. I just look forward to the time when my courting comes with confidence and there is no anxiety. I'm exhausted but marching onward.

Just need to vent.... ;o( My anxiety is increasing today... Im filled with emotions and cried today for the first time in a while... I haven't heard from her yet today... Ive been stopping myself all morning from texting her.. I dont want to be to annoying... I guess im hitting a low point in my struggle today... Hopefully i can pull out of it, but it just hurts... I question if this is worth it... I dont want to give up, but wonder if I just should. I know i need to be patient, im trying to be, but not sure how long i can deal with this. I deserve to be loved, and i just dont really know if she does. She said she does a few times over the last week or two, but that was at the height of her pain and needing me. Am i just being used.. or did she really see something she was missing. She said she is confused... I can't understand why its so hard for her to just point herselft towards me.. I question within myself that if she hasn't or can't at this point, she never will.. I hope im wrong... I want the pain and tears to stop, i want to move forward with her, but if she wont let it happen i can't make it happen. I just dont know what to do... Im starting to feel like i did a few weeks ago.. that the progress made is just fading now.. I dont know if im just being stupid or if its really happening. Im trying to stay positive, just struggling today...

I am struggling today too and am very anxious about my wife going to dinner with a girlfriend tonight and how the conversation will go. Last night she was unpredictable and full of resentment. I too have not heard from her today even a few I've texted a couple questions.

Only you can determine if it is worth it. I am somewhat selfish in hoping you continue the fight, so I don't feel completely alone. It is exhausting. It is painful. We do deserve better than we are getting. But I believe I deserve it from my wife and not someone else.

Stay strong and I hope things get better for you today.

So we carpool today and had plans to get lunch... It turned into getting lunch and bringing it home so she could pick up her car as she needs it for therapy tonight... Nothing to eventful happened, it was normal chated about our day, had lunch and then she followed me to to the bank to pick up money for her copay. I gave it to her through her car window.. i leaned in gave her a kiss and said have a good efternoon, call me later before therapy.. she said ok. My impression though was she didn't have interest in the kiss... again not sure if its me just being a bit worried, or if thats how she really feels.. she didn't push back or anything, but i dunno.. just doesn't seem into it. Not sure if I should keep doing it or not. ;o( These unknowns kinda kill me. im affraid to ask, cause im affraid of her answer i guess.

ESL, I've been following ALL your posts since January, since your situation was, and to some degree still very similar to yours. I too carpool with my wife and have had a wav of different emotions the past few weeks. I woke up this morning and decided the following:

I treat her very well, always had since the day I met. I still treat her well and decided that I DESERVE to be treated equally well.

This morning, I told her that I don't feel like carpooling with her. She asked "why?" And I just replied that I plan on coming in a little later to work this morning. In reality, I just felt like being a selfish d**k and just didn't want to drive with her. I just woke up in a resenting mood.

This is fck'n confusing. I feel like we are in high school again, playing games. So here's the deal:

I love her and would love more than anything for things to work out between us. I will continue to just be me.

I have accepted the fact she's made it clear that she wants to end our marriage and her closest friends are aware of this as she's supposedly moving in with one soon.

I'm not going to make any extra efforts other than what I normally do to please her in hopes she will change her mind. Only she can decide to change her mind.

I will go about my daily life, be civil with her and exchange pleasantries as needed. If she stays, fine. If she leaves, although painful, it's already expected.

It's not fair how we are being treated. I once gave my teenage daughter, when her friend was mistreating her this word of advice, "People will only treat you as bad as you let them." I think it's time I follow my own advice.