Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
ChiTownBear
ChiTownBear
you dont need to say anything to anyone right now. and I know you can't see it right now, but you have more then her.

dont do anything right now but feel. Once the shock wears off, you'll be drained. You'll start to think a little more clearly and some thoughts of things you can do this weekend to get out with the kids and/or friend and family will probably pop up. Cus I wasn't neccessairly meaning you go and cry on their shoulder as much as you take what you have left inside, with the kids and spend some time with people who want to be around you. Who like and care about you and can possibly distract your mind for even a short moment to help you remember there is more in your life then the miniscule morsels she has thrown your way.
ESL12
ESL12
Thank you... I am already taking Mediction, started it a week ago... I have alot of vacation time saved up, but can't go anywhere right now. However in 9 days I am leaving for Ireland for work. Ill be there for 10 days. I guess that will be a small step in some space from her. I dunno. im just so lost again.. thought things were slowly going to improve.. though she would have the heart to try, I can't even believe i love someone so much that doesn't love me... I just can't stop crying... i feel so low, so unwanted, unloved... My family is destroyed.. everything i ever wanted is destroyed.,
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Hugs to you.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
But a trip to Ireland. ..im so jealous. I always wanted to make it there. The ancestry runs strong in my blood. Just try and remember family is always family no matter where they branch out to and safe journey to you.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
I too am envious of the trip to the Emerald Isle.

It is true something very precious to you is being disrespected and tossed away by your wife. BUT DON'T YOU DARE SAY YOUR YOUR FAMILY IS DESTROYED! The family, as you have come to know it, is transforming, and doing so both against your wishes and due to no fault of yours. Your family is still there. Your children need you, their father, MORE THAN EVER. Are you going to ignore them because "your family is destroyed?" Of course not, for you are a truly wonderful father. I have faith you will step up and be there in their time of need, and you will find that in their innocent way, they will be there for you.

Bless you, ESL12.
ESL12
ESL12
Thanks... I can't help but feel like everything is over... everything i care about..... i can't stop crying... im at work locked in my office crying. I dont want to face anyone. im such a fool...
Missy73
Missy73
The trip to Ireland sounds like just what the doctor ordered. A temporary change of scenery will do you a world of good. It won't lessen the pain but it will be a good distraction. I'm not promoting avoidance as a coping mechanism but sometimes the constant reminders are exhausting.

ChiTownBear made some excellent points. Forget that you asked her to reconsider for anohter 24 hours. It's just going to do you more harm than good. You're trying to delay the inevitable pain but one of two things will likely happen: she will either say no which will just hurt you some more or she will say yes and string you along for a few more months. Don't give her that power.Also, try using your journal. It's a wonderful place to vent. I'm not suggesting that you should stop posting. Sometimes it helps to have a place to share your innermost thoughts without having to share them with everyone.

Please start protecting yourself. This might be a good time to visit with family and friends (without necessarily discussing your situation) but if you can't, you need to create some distance in the home. No more sleeping in the same bed etc. You need to start detaching so you can begin healing.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
why do you feel like a fool? i can understand feeling sad, grief, lost but not a fool? you did nothing foolish and youre certainly not a fool. you got your heart shattered just like pretty much everyone here. and believe it or not the sun will still come up tomorrow. now is the time to focus on you and your kids though. Missy is right, Ireland may be a good place to catch your breath and throw yourself into work. Believe me I did my share of crying when my wife left, whole weekends sitting on the deck just moping and dwelling. but you will eventually tire of that like we all did, its not constructive and makes you feel worse, although geting some crying tears out did help me for a while...but i dont cry anymore. life goes on and you will too
ESL12
ESL12
im a fool for believing she would see what she is loosing. a fool for hoping, a fool for letting my heart be broken time and time again...a fool for still loving her so much. Im a fool for not being strong enough to control my self and do for myself. This pain today feels worse then it did a few months ago... I held on to hope desptite all the advice i recieved to give up..
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Don't be so hard on yourself man. We all went through false hope, I really thought we would reconcile for 6 months, before I learned the truth. It's normal to hope for it. You'll be ok, be strong for your kids and yourself now. It's a hell of an adjustment but believe me it's survivable.
gem111
gem111
Please don't be hard on yourself----It absolutely helps no one.
Please focus yourself on how you are going to make things better for your kids. They need you so please do not let them down.
You are stronger than you think and you will get through this for your kids!!!
I know everyone hates this, but it is true, it takes time!!!
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Hope you are doing ok because that first initial hit to the heart is so extremely painful and i felt like the biggest fool on earth but you want to know something love is extremely powerful you didn't fool yourself because love just puts on the blinders. Thats all there is to it. Take Care.
broken234
broken234
I felt like a fool too so I understand. We all have, but that feeling changes over time. Just be careful of the false hope still lingering with her. She may feel guilty and see your pain and let you believe that she is still undecided. My husband has done this to me and still continues this type of behavior. Every time I felt fooled again it feels worse and worse. Just stop the cycle now. Cry, scream, what ever it takes to feel better and start healing. Hang in there!!
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
The fool is the one throwing away something so precious and rare. You are no fool. Hope today goes well for you.
ESL12
ESL12
I can't stop crying. We talked a bit more. No change. I'm devastated. I can't even face my kids. She held me while I cried. I begged again like a pathetic fool. I don't want to live like this. This pain is more then I've ever felt before. Please God make it stop.