Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
We talked about the ramifications and she wants what I want, just someone to have fun with and hang out, it was so great! Don't hamstring yourself to someone who doesn't want you, I had a great night with this gal, and looking forward to some awesome days and nights!
@kbbcoop77 - Im happy to hear your finding joy and peace and able to move on a bit... I know these are the things ill eventually have to try to look foward to, but right now, im not there... Im still married and am still devoted to my wife even though she has checked out.... We aren't even legally seperated, Just emotionally sperated atleast on her end. I dont know how long ill feel this way, and im aware that the pain wont go away till i can let go, but my heart isn't willing to yet..
She felt passion is gone.... and it started when we had kids... my passion for her hasn't changed.. and for me i think this is a bit normal, 2 young kids 16 months apart... one for a long time is in our bed alot litterly a wedge between us.
She felt under my thumb... hasn't explained this.. the only example i got was a night she went out with my sister about year and half ago. They said they would be home around 1... around 2 i texted asking if they were ok.. they responded waiting for taxi.. they got home at 3 am, and were making alot of noise in the house.. I texted " If you dont keep it down ill beat you both" ( joking, but point was to keep it down ) She turned that into me making her feel guilty for going out.... no idea why as they were already out and home, just making noise.
She felt i didn't support her with her new Job... I took on a ton of responsibility at home so she didn't have to worry about them and could focus on her job... I was cooking, running errands for family during the day, waking up with kids in the Am when she left for work. I did start to get a bit jealous of the people in her office, she was giving them alot more attention then me and the kids.. she would come home and still be emailing and texting with them, for me I was just asking for more quality time at home, not to work when needed, but she took it as me not supporting her...
She also mentioned, feeling abandoned by me when our son was a baby.. he was a tough baby... but fact is, i was always there, always home doing all i could to help. I never hung out with friends, and never left the house unless we all did, as i felt guilty leaving her alone with the kids.. She also felt her entire family abandoned her during this time, but she seems to have forgiven everyone but me.
lastly, she has stated she needs to feel independent.. needs to be alone, needs to not need me. She mentioned that for 2 negative events and one great one i wasn't there for her, so she left me in the dust and stood up on her own feet.... im not clear on these 3 events, but i believe one negative was our son being so difficult, and the one good was this new career... in the end, I was always there for her, if she needed something specific out of me, she never asked or mentioned it. I would have and still would do ANYTHING she needed... Around the same time as my son's birth.. her parents divorced, and her father started dating a woman with a 14 year old girl.. her father does alot with this girl, and is more of a father to her then he was to my wife her whole life.. This brought out a dormant issue of emotional abandonment feelings from her father. It was always there but wasn't a big deal till the divorce... She has stated, she doesn't want to stay together unhappy for 40 years like her parents did.... My argument to this is, why focus on negative? Lets work to be happy and we wont be in that situation... We aren't her parents.. we are better then that... The first 10 years of there marriage, he was an alcholic and the entire marriage he was emotionally not there... He isn't a bad guy, its just how he is, he can't express feelings.
This is all im aware of, and some of these only came out more recently in marriage therapy before she decided to stop going... I dont see any of these as things that couldn't be worked on, communication on her part has lacked and a big problem here.. all she has to do is communicate if something was upsetting her, i would jump through hoops of fire to make necessary changes... But for some reason for her, she didn't communicate, allowed resentment to build and shut off... Now she isn't willing to turn it on, or even try...