While I'm currently hurting from a completely different situation with another man...what you describe is an exact replica of me and my ex husband. The only difference is is that things quickly went downhill after the birth of our only child. We never had that "bliss" if being first time parents. All he did was work and and come home late ans focus on our daughter. I felt forgotten about. I was like an empty shell that just roamed around our home lonely as ever. The one thing I can say is kudos to you for therapy, as my ex was not willing until it was too late. Give it time and hopefully you can have back what you once did. I know this isn't much advice I'm offering but hopefully you will take comfort in the fact that I totally understand your situation

Thank you all... a few times yesterday I looked at her and could tell she was in deep thought... obviously no idea what was on her mind, but who knows... Two nights in a row now i contemplated talking to her, telling her how i know I haven't handled things to great and im sorry for that ( crying, begging etc ) and tell her that I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me, and that I love her and wouldn't leave her for anything in this world.... I held it back though... Sticking to my laying low for now... she knows how i feel by now.. Just need to give it time... ;o(

Great job staying steady on your plan. This is a marathon, not a sprint. If you stumble and fall, it is okay. Just get right back up and keep moving forward. Keep in mind small changes are good. Status quo is your enemy for that is what got you (and me) to having to fight for our marriages. One big mistake I'm learning is while it is good to take hope from the small victories along the way, they are not secure. Always keep your eyes on the next goal.

Praying for happiness for you and your family.

Thank you...

So another small update... as i mentioned i saw my family yesterday without my wife... This morning i spoke with my sister, and she told me everyone is really upset with my wife.. My aunt is contemplating calling her and talking to her, my sister was thinking about it too.. up till now they have talked but not about us and not much. But they were all pretty close. Im not sure if this is good or bad... I told my sister if she talks to anyone to call my wifes brother first... He and I have talked alot and he seems to be on my side, He is angry with my wife and knows she will regret this in a few months. I questoin if there is value to this though... part of me hopes somone.. anyone can smack some sense into her... but I dont really think she will listen to anyone at this point. Not sure if more damage will be done. I can't stop anyone from talking to anyone... I told my sister that if she feels the need to talk to my wife about her own feelings she can... Just to make sure the impression isn't that anyone is calling because i asked them too. this will be a tough week for me... My wife's surgery is thursday, and she has plans to do dinner at her aunts with the kids the night before.. im not sure if im even invited.. I know her aunt wants me there, but my wife is a different story.... I already feel used, im good enough to support her during this surgery, but not to do dinner with family... Its going to be a struggle for me. I know none of this is far to me, but as i mentioned, im going to stay consistent and steady in my love and support for now...


on a seperate note... Ive noticed that this post/subject is long... alot longer then the other topics on the discussion board... I want to thank everyone for letting me vent and cry here... I know most if not all of you are dealing with your own pain, and taking even a min to be there for me is greatly appreciated... I know at times it may seem im not taking the advice given, I do value it all, I consider it all... My head and heart are conflicted and its been difficult for me to figure out what path to follow... im sure its obvious that ive been back in forth in my strength and path... but you have all been a huge help, alot more then any of you may ever know. So I just wanted to say Thank You!

@ESL I don't know that phone calls, approval or disapproval from outside of you two directly will help. As the saying goes, you can't make someone love you. If her heart isn't feeling it, others' opinions won't change that. I know you are getting conflicting signals, though clear verbal direction on what she wants. This is a special form of hell that I've gone through as well as others here. Your thread may be long, but your story is not done. We are here for you because we care.

Thank you... I agree with you, I can't make her love me... well.. thats partially true... i agree we can't force people to love us, but being who we are, and being the person she fell in love with 10 years ago i can be... We fall in love with people because of they are, who they want to be and being open and able to see into there sole for what they are. She fell in love with me enough to marry and have kids.. our life was bliss... something changed, weather its me or her.. I can't honestly say... Our life was turned upside down with two young kids.. I think this is normal, however she doesn't seem to have handle it well... I can't make her love me.. but i can be the person she fell in love with... The caring, loving, do anything for her guy i always have been... If thats not enough, so be it. I know i deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be allowed to love.... If she is going through something... she may just need me by her side and not realize it... i could be totally wrong, I could be hurting myself... but i can't walk away without knowing i tried my best.... Ive read a good amount online from various psycologists... alot of them say usuall the walk away mark is 1 year... Thats a long time... im 3 months in, i dont know if I have the strength to make it a year like this, but for now im commited to trying.... If she wants to seperate, she knows were the door is.. she hasn't left yet... I dont know why... maybe because im still there for her... maybe not.. maybe she is truely confused... maybe not... maybe she is just buying time... but i can tell you with certainty... she isn't hording money, and looking for apartments... She can stay at her fathers or mothers at any time... she still comes home.... she still comes to bed when im in it before her... If I was done, and wanted out, id be out... Id go out that door and leave... I wouldn't even talk to her unless it was about the kids... she still reaches out about anything and everything... its very confusing, its painful, its not fair.... But i need to remain as positive and strong as I can... All of our stories are different even though we share the same pain... and we will all have similar but different endings.. Hopefully one day im on here with good news... Maybe not... But i have to see this to the end... she can end it.. if that day really comes... i suspect by then ill be out of tears anyway, burnt out from months of pain and trying... but this is the course i must take... I married her because i love her, and I still do... I commited to be there good times and bad, and although she isn't strong enough to honor that.. I am... Ill cry.. ill be strong, it will be a daily battle... but if I hope to succeed at all here, I need to stay true to myself, and I need to be strong in my will to make this work... Its the only positive way I can move on... ill know in the end I did all I could.. weather we divorce and reconcile... I did all I could and will have my head high....

This is all alot easier said then done... its my daily struggle and im fighting it...

I'm really rooting for you. I truly hope it all turns around for you two, especially with young kids involved. My kids were grown for the most part so I didn't have to deal with that nightmare. I hope I haven't been too cynical, I just express what I went through and hate to see you get hurt more.
Take care buddy, good luck to you.

ESL12 you are my hero. You must have a cape hidden under your clothes somewhere because in my mind you are some kind of superman. You have expressed so precisely my own mantra as I go through my own personal hell so similar to yours. I've followed this thread for so long for this very reason. You've collected quite a few fans here as we cheer you on (imagine us doing the wave right now). Know that your dedication to all that is good and true about about "true love" makes you a good man no matter what happens in the end.

Let me say something about these neglectful wives that confuse "in love" with "true love." True love can only be achieved when in love is tested with negative feelings. In love is beautiful but it is so easy when everything is fabulous. To evolve into true love, love must pass through bitterness, anger, frustrations, depression and even apathy. True love requires a conscious decision and action. Good old fashioned commitment can be huge in getting to true love, but even in its absence, other variables can move one to make the decision to power through in the name of true love.

Family can help but only by showing what a wonderful part of her life she will be losing... THEM. By being sensitive, caring, and loving they can help her see was she is sacrificing. Your family can be part of the attractive package that she sees in you. If they attack, it will only solidify her desire to abandon you and your family.

Bless you in your quest to save your marriage and achieve a new level of TRUE LOVE. We're cheering for you!

I am cheering for you too! I am cheering for all of us on here that want to see our marriages work. That want to put in the effort. We have all been through hell and for the most part we are still going through hell. I commend you for sticking with it when it is so easy to give up. i draw inspiration from you that I too can stick with it. Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope.

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Mother Teresa

:-)


I echo #203


I think a lot men and women are no longer accepting "bad times" but if it's an abusive relationship then no one should have to endure it.

I echo reply #203 talking about her reasons for doing this should be with someone who can be understanding of her issues.

I thank you for the kind words but I'm no hero. I'm struggling just like all of you. It's you allowing me to vent here rather then my wife that is really helping me. I had a rough night. After a bad dream I woke up around 330 am and was filled with anxiety. My head was spinning and the negative thoughts poured in. I havnt slept since. My wife woke up early and left for work early. But I mentioned to her I didn't get much sleep. She asked if I was ok. I said yeah. She asked if it was anxiety I said I don't know. Short while later she said good bye to leave. Again asked me. What's going on are you ok. I said yeah. She said what's wrong? I again said nothing I'm fine. She said ok and left for work. I cried the moment she walk out. Holding it back was hard. If I'm a super hero. She is my kryptonite.

You did great. You maintained your composure when everything in you wants the woman you love to comfort you. It is extremely difficult and let me tell you I know it sucks. Stay strong. You are investing in winning her, not succumbing to a desire for brief attention. My own greatest weakness during my own trials is to allow myself to bask in any positive words, gestures, attention etc from my wife and let my guard down. Without fail I do this just in time to get cut deep by her pulling away once again. I'm so desperate to feel her love that I can't maintain my protective shields around my heart. Her recent steps in a good direction has only made me vulnerable to the pain / crying you know so well, now that she is back pedaling once again. I very selfishly hope you keep updating here as it is a provides me direction and motivation. You are in my prayers, ESL12.

#207 - That's me exactly - "My own greatest weakness during my own trials is to allow myself to bask in any positive words, gestures, attention etc from my wife and let my guard down. Without fail I do this just in time to get cut deep by her pulling away once again."

I would do anything to have my wife back, and I did anything she wanted while trying to win her back. After the divorce, I was desperate for crumbs of affection, positive words, or other signs that we were growing closer and moving toward reconciliation. When she started keeping shampoo and stuff at my new apartment, and staying over with me, I was on cloud nine - even though she emphasized she was not committing to me and never would again. Just after Christmas, when she told me "things have changed" and "we are done", I was back in special hell.

I hope @ESL has a better outcome soon.

Its been my weakness too... I find myself looking for the signs, might even be making some up that really aren't there. Im trying not to make much of them, but take note of them... The next few weeks will be telling, and hard for me... This week is that surgery, April 3,4 and 5th are holidays, ( Passover and easter ) we celebrate both. April 2nd is the consult for mediator. April 18th is a cousin of mines wedding. Then April 19th I leave for a business trip for 9 days. Right now it seems we will be seperate for the holidays, this will be tough, and force the kids to be split time with our families now too.. Im dreading it, but have no choice but to face it. part of me hopes that me being there for her this week will lower her gaurd a bit... but i also am aware that it wont mean much to her... she wants me there for comfort and safety, to her thats all it will be... kinda sad... Just trying my best to keep my head up, and not lose focus on getting her back some how... Its mostly out of my control though and patience will be key for me. Im working on that... Patience has been tough for me... My philosoophy on life is that its short... and i want to get past this sooner rather then later so we can enjoy the rest of our lives... but this will take time one way or the other and im trying hard to accept that.

(sigh) - Ijust broke down and cried... My daughter said to me she wants to go to florida... I had wanted to go with my wife and kids for a long weekend to visit family this Spring... I realized when my daughter asked me, that this trip wont be happening... It makes me sad to think about even the little things my kids will not get to enjoy now... I almost sent my wife a long email... expressing my feelings, my love for her, and my desire to find away... I came close to clicking send but decided it was best i didn't send it... even if i do say these things, it should be in person, but i struggle to find the words with her fearing more rejection, and set back.... Staying strong seems nearly impossible.. I know im going to break down soon and say something to her... I can't believe how much I love someone that doesn't seem to share even half the feelings I do... I pray nightly to god to turn this around, im not even very religious... but begging god seems like a better option then begging my wife... I need a miracle... Id give anything for that miracle... Another day of tears for me... I guess one day when there are no more tears ill realize ill be able to move on... but that day seems far away.... I wish someone or something can say or do something... only she can... and it makes me feel powerless... trying.. trying very hard to keep strong... all i can do is try....