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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
Survival mode. You just need to make it to the next period of strength. People say crying helps and it very well may help many... But not me. I've had plenty of times testing the theory lately. Find some kind of distraction. I need one too. I need to get out of my environment in which is am constantly thinking about her and the situation. I know whatever I do won't keep my attention long but maybe it will help. You need to do the same.
ESL12
ESL12
Well. More confusion or progress? Just not sure what anything means anymore. This morning she was saying good bye as she left for work. I was laying in bed with my daughter. My daughter said to her Mommy can you give daddy a hug and a kiss. To my surprise she said yes. She walked around our bed to my side leaned over and hugged me. We kissed more check to check but my lips were on her check as hers mine. It felt nice having her in my arms for that brief moment. But once it was over the feeling of emptiness returned quickly. Don't know if she did it for her or me or my daughter. My guess is it doesn't mean much Just another mental note to take and add to the confusion.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
She didn't have to do it at all, so there is something. Keep on keeping on. You daughter is watching you and consciously or not feels you deserve to be loved by her mother. Be strong.
ESL12
ESL12
Your right, she didn't have to at all, which is encouraging... But Still unknown what her intentions really are, so that leaves me cautious and not to excited about it... one day at a time...
ESL12
ESL12
We texted more then normal this morning... ive tried to not keep the convo's going for to long.. I dont want her to feel like im being needy... but she did initiate it... although it stemed from me seeing her on the road.... She left for work around 7:30 am... not always but at times i pass her office on my way to work and can see if her car is there or not... This morning around 8:30 I passed her office and it wasn't there... I got to a traffice light, and sure enough, she was at the same light facing me.. she saw me, she smiled and waved, I smiled back and went on my way... I was wondering where she was coming from... I have moments when i wonder if there is someone at work she is spending time with... so first thought was breakfast with him... But i know thats my negative thoughts and assumptions and i have no proof of it anyway... I didn't call or text her to ask, thinking she would feel pressured by me.. To my surprise, she texted me, asked where i was heading, and told me where she was coming from... We texted for a bit, and then again an hour or so ago, another text initiated by her... im wondering if any of this means anything... but her surgery is tomorrow... So the real test will be after the surgery... If she continues to show interest.. and any affection after surgery ill feel a bit more confident things may be heading a bit better.. for now im proceeding with caution... one day at a time... be myself and be there for her.... time will tell...
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
Sounds like you handled this perfectly. I totally understand how your mind goes through terrible scenarios when you don't have information to go on. I'm exactly the same way but we are our own worst enemies in that respect. Play it cool, for both your sakes. I'm praying surgery may provide a new awareness of how vital you are to her. Stay strong and good luck!
ESL12
ESL12
(Sigh) Well, dont know if it was a mistake or not yet... but i caved... She texted me a few more times today, random and normal talk, even joked around.... then just now her last text was, " Im taking the kids to my aunts tonight, you ok with that?" My mistake was my response... " im ok with it I guess.... I dont have a problem with you taking the kids anywhere... I dont want to deprive them of anything. I just wish we could be together and a family. I love you and I love them."

She hasn't responded yet, but i only sent that a few minutes ago... I can't take it back now... hopefully this isnt a set back... but it also still makes it clear im not out of the woods here... infact, I dont even see the edge of the woods or have a direction to go to get out right now.... ;o(
ESL12
ESL12
She wrote back.... not sure how to take it... typical theme for me these days..

her response " We are a family but im going to spend soem time at my aunts. We always used to be close and now we aren't. I want to reconnect with her"

My response " I know, I understand, its not a big deal... Ill be home before you, ill pack a bag for the kids, with the usual diapers and pajama's and a bottle. "

She wrong back, "Yes please I can do bath there"


That was it.... ;o(
broken234
broken234
I feel like our spouses are a lot a like. Giving you those little normal moments. Then when you open up they kick you in the gut. All I can say is try to create some distance for yourself emotionally. I got some good advice today and I think I am going to try to do the same. I want to fight but I am sick of getting kicked in the gut. I really do hope that you can win back your marriage. Hang in there.
ESL12
ESL12
Well. Here I am. In a waiting room while she has surgery. Feeling used and abused. Guess we will see what comes of this. She is nervous. I rubbed her neck and shoulders and she seemed to enjoy it. But as usual it doesn't mean much. she didn't come home last night tulle almost 8 pm. Said she was at work late and then had to pick up prescription at pharmacy. She did text with me through out keeping me up to date but still makes me wonder why she really stayed late at work if at all. I'll never truly know. I guess today is a new day.
sja
sja
Hi, there. I'm sorry, but I haven't read the whole thread, but I did scroll through because I wanted to read your responses.

I can see why you are confused and lost. When I decided to end my marriage, it was because of a lot of issues, and I had checked out of it long before it formally ended. Honestly, it doesn't sound like your wife is at the same spot. She sounds confused and conflicted. Are some of her actions because she still feels the marriage is worth saving or are they because you have a history and she genuinely cares for you, but she has moved on? I honestly don't know. I actually wish I could talk to her.

I think you are doing all the right things. I don't think space is a bad thing between two people, especially if there is uncertainty about how one feels about the relationship. IDK, I really think she is conflicted, but that is ONLY my opinion, and I only have the information you've posted on here, not her feelings straight from the horses mouth.

Keep seeing your therapist, and, if your still doing it, the marriage counseling. I find journaling to be very helpful, too. I go back and reread and reflect, and it helps me see the bigger picture for what it is. I have no other advise for you. Keep posting here, and be gentle with yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this.
ESL12
ESL12
Thank you. I agree she seems confused but your right I don't know why she is doing what she is doing. For marriage or because she cares. I just spoke to her brother who told me her mom is mad at her that I'm her. That I shouldn't be here for her if she doesn't want to be with me. Her response to her mom was. But he offered.... Of course I offered. I care and love for her deeply. I don't know anymore if she is confused and really just emotionally and mentally screwed up. She still views us as a family??? How is this a family spending holidays apart and not having any love and affection with in our marriage??? I don't understand any of it. I'm here by her side for a surgery that is purely to make herself feel better about herself and maybe even be preping to meet someone new. I feel used and unappreciated. I don't know how much more I can take. But I'm trying to hold in as long as I can.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
My wife wanted me by her side and wouldn't let go of my hand after bariactric surgery. She still wants me to continue to do all the things I do out of love for her. She just accepts that I want to but she doesn't show appreciation like I hope. We both could very well be used and taken advantage of. But I still feel there is hope these women will come around. Rudely pushing them away and severing ties is the easy way out and is simply a decision to give up and quit. The 14+ years invested in our marriage, my children, and frankly the integrity of my love demands I bravely face the difficult path we have chosen... To fight for our marriages. Stay strong!
ESL12
ESL12
Well. We are home now. She is in a lot of pain. While in the recovery room. The nurses chats with us a lot. Making lots of comments on how great I am helping her so much. Saying lots of guys in here don't help. One of them has a daughter getting married soon and her son in law looks like me. She showed us a pick and my wife said in sorry but my husbands cuter. She also let her guard down in relation to seeing her naked. In recovery she needed a lot of help and a few moments was naked. She looked at me and I could see in her face she realized it was no big deal. She has also said a few times thank you. And twice she started to cry while saying thank you. Not sure if it was because of the pain or maybe she is starting to realize how much I really am there for her. I'm not taking to much stock in this just yet as I know she is in pain and on pain meds. She could just be out of it. It will be interesting to see what happens over the next few days. She also said in sorry twice. The second time I said why are you sorry. She said that it must hurt to see her hurting so much. I said its ok. You will be ok and I'm here if you need anything. I guess we shall see.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
You, sir, are a true gentleman. Bless you. Thank you for the updates. Your wife's recovery, both of her body and of her love for you, will be in my prayers.