CreativeWriter76's Profile

Status: He makes it so hard to love him

Mood: Bad

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About Me

Age: 58

I\'m 48 now, 49 this December \'16. I\'ve been on SSD because of two bad knees since 2001. My mobility is an issue I have to cope with every day. Besides that I deal with depression, anxiety, and a very low self-esteem. I currently have a bf that lives with me, but due to all of my \" issues \", and his various ones as well, I don\'t know what the future holds for him and I.

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Why does everything happen at once ?

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 03/04/2018

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As if it hasn't been enough dealing with his extremely eradic moods, but now on top of that I've got to negotiate the new rent amount for the next lease term. I already talked to one person about it, and got promises from him that he'd do what he could to help. I just hope and pray that he keeps his word to me. I stressed to him exactly how important this is to me. I even came out bluntly, and told him how much I make monthly from ssd. I'm hoping that he let that sink in, so he realized just...
Looked into the face of the devil tonight

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 03/01/2018

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For most of the evening tonight I felt we were having a " normal " - peaceful - time. We chatted about various things without ending up arguing about any of it. That was the case until one issue came up. It didn't have to be an " issue " if he had just listened to me, and been willing to compromise. But I should have known better. I should have known that the word compromise is simply not in his vocabulary. The " issue " was this - where to put the shelves from the bookcase that felt apart...
Why am I always the " bad guy " ?

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 02/20/2018

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It doesn't matter what I say, or do, it's never " right " in his opinion. This is especially - always - true when my opinions, or feelings, differ in the least little bit from his. If I should dare do that then I'm the worst person that was ever born in his words ! I get called every name in the book, as well as being threatened with physical violence if I innocently even try in the slightest to explain, or defend, myself. Then a little later it never fails.... when I'm still naturally feeling...
Frustrated beyond my limit....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 02/19/2018

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Why do I bother ? I can't help asking myself this on days like today when he flies into a raging fit over something as small as the grocery list I wrote. He asked me to write a list for him to go to the grocery store tomorrow for us, but when I do it he gives me nothing but pure rage in return. Obviously my opinions, and my desires, don't matter to him. I might as well be a bug on a wall for as much as I matter to him. This applies for grocery lists, as well as simple questions he asks me. Why...
Every time I turn around.....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 02/17/2018

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Every day... every time I turn around he does something to purposely push my buttons, it seems. He must be doing these things on purpose, because I simply can't imagine anyone behaving the way he does, intentionally. Keeping this in mind, " Why does he constantly do this ? " He'll expect me to tip toe on egg shells 24 / 7, but in his mind it's perfectly okay to behave like an uncivilized raging beast with me about 6 or 7 times out of 10. A very good example is the way he'll call me " stupid ",...
On the One Hand he'll say he wants.... ****... BUT...

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 02/12/2018

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If he would at the very least stick by what he tells me he wants out of our " relationship ", then I'd know exactly what he expects from me. But he doesn't do that at all. In fact he has a terrible habit of telling me one thing, and then doing a complete 360 degree turn around by becoming completely enraged at me for showing him behavior that he claimed he wanted from me.My key example should completely explain it. He'll tell me that for us to be a successful / happy couple we need to freely...
Can't Win

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 02/11/2018

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It doesn't matter what I say to him, nothing is ever right. I can be as nice as possible, and it's still not enough for him. If I dare to express my true feelings about something, then I'm in deep trouble because it will surely ignite one of his raging fits. It's always " lose - lose " with him. There is no silver lining, only constant dark clouds.
Tired of being pushed.....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 02/07/2018

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No matter what I say, or do, none of it seems to ever be good enough for him. In his eyes, I swear that sometimes it seems like he's telling me that I even " breathe " wrong ! Who criticizes a person for breathing ?! I realize that this sounds like I'm over exaggerating to the extreme, but if you heard him during one of his raging fits you'd understand. During those moments he won't even allow me to explain anything to try to calm him down. In fact any attempt at an explanation is only met with...
He makes Everything so hard.....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/28/2018

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It would be one matter if it was only a few odd things, every now and then, that he fussed over. In his case it's much more than that to the hundredth degree ! Living alone for me is a constant struggle due to my severe mobility issues, but I know how to manage despite that. So I suppose the million dollar question is, " Is having him here again worth it ? " Granted, I do love him from the bottom of my heart, and soul. Yet, I'm still human. There's only so much that a person can tolerate before...
Crazy Morning... :(

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/26/2018

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To say this morning was a " crazy morning ", would be putting it very mildly. From the moment I woke up things quickly went from bad to worse. My first fatal mistake was asking my bf to answer to the door to M.O.W. for me, since I was no where close to being able to get up from my recliner chair yet - especially not after a night of hardly sleeping much at all, in it. I didn't think I was asking him to do too much, but apparently I was very wrong. A little later during his raging fit he snapped...
Why Me ?....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/24/2018

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There's one main thing I don't understand about my boyfriend. Why did he decide to come back to me ? What was the " true " deciding factor in his decision ? Was it truly that he realized that he made a mistake when he left me, and he really loves me ? Or was it a matter of pure convienience ? Am I just a " means to a end "... just a stop on his way to the next woman he tries to manipulate, and control ? And... the million dollar question that connects all of this is... " Does he still love his...
Wondering.....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/22/2018

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The way he's been acting lately how can I help but wonder if he's trying to push me away. He's done it before several times in our past, so I know the signs. I'm hoping, and praying, that he's being truly honest about things. As long as " everything " he's been telling me is the honest to God's truth, then he's not trying to push me away. Instead he's just being honest, and open about what's going on..... I hope that this is truly the case, and not the former scenario. I don't want to go...
So so... so far...

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/20/2018

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The best thing I can say about today so far is that it's been " so so ". It hasn't been the best of days, but then again it hasn't been the worst of days either. Recognizing this fact, I suppose I can't really complain. I know for a fact that many others have it a lot worse than me. I love him dearly, and I want to have a successful - happy - relationship with him. That's not in question. The " question ", or " obstacle ", that I'm struggling to overcome is my fears. I'm struggling to decide...
Feeling Numb....

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/19/2018

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Without Trust what do you really have ? The obvious answer to this I suppose is, " Nothing ! " That answer stares to me inches away from my face, and yet I continue to ignore it day after day. After hanging onto hope for so long - so many years - it's hard to even allow yourself to recognize the truth of a situation, much less actually let go and accept reality. Instead, I've been continuing to exist in my own private universe. Once in awhile something tries to stab a gaping hole in my private...
Peaceful day

Posted by: CreativeWriter76

Posted: 01/16/2018

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Knock on wood... so far it's been a peaceful day today. I really needed this break from the chaotic moods I've been dealing with from him lately. To say that his moods have been unstable - and erratic - would be an understatement. The catch is, I realize that he can't help it. He's bi-polar for one thing, and taking that into consideration the bull shit his last exes have put him through have acted as a distinct trigger - setting off his wild, and unpredictable mood swings. All of that is bound...

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