He makes Everything so hard.....

It would be one matter if it was only a few odd things, every now and then, that he fussed over. In his case it's much more than that to the hundredth degree ! Living alone for me is a constant struggle due to my severe mobility issues, but I know how to manage despite that. So I suppose the million dollar question is, " Is having him here again worth it ? " Granted, I do love him from the bottom of my heart, and soul. Yet, I'm still human. There's only so much that a person can tolerate before it begins to wear on their patience. I do my very best to keep my mouth shut tight when he's saying something, or doing something, that's upsetting - or that I don't agree with. But while I'm doing that I can feel a ball of fire boiling just underneath my surface waiting for a chance to explode out of me. 

Dealing with that feeling of wanting to explode, but being unable to, simply can't be good for me at all. It's no wonder I have high blood pressure. I have a gut feeling that at least a small part of that must have something to do with all of this. After all, any medical professional would tell you that stress can play a key factor in a wide variety of health problems. I'm living proof of this from what living in hell with my ex-husband for 10 years did to me.

During the ten years of my hellish marriage, I not only overate like crazy, but for a few months I was smoking as well. That second part was the very worst thing I could do since I already had asthma. 

Back to the here and now.... What should I do now ? 

I love him. That's not in question. It was my choice to allow him to come back. Was that a bad choice ? I don't know. All I know is that I believed that he was going to be a LOT different than he has been. Instead of seeing a much more positive outlook in his behavior, he's been showing me that his old behaviors are still very much a big part of him that's ready to come out of him at a moment's notice - because of not only just " big " reasons, but " relatively " small issues as well. I say " relatively " small for a very important reason. To anyone else they would cope with the issue, doing whatever they could to smooth it over, and they'd move on from there. For him, that same exact issue would completely shake him to the core, and instead of asking anyone for help, he would completely revert into a full blown raging fit ! His so-called solution would be to destroy anything within arms reach, as well as yell and threaten everyone around him - regardless of whether they had anything to do with it, or not. If anyone tries to tell him that his rage won't help anything, they only get a larger dose of it right back in their face ! 

Do I really need all of that in my life ?... simply because I'm tired of being alone, and I need help with basic things like house cleaning, grocery shopping, and laundry. While I was apart from him for the last two years, life wasn't easy alone. Still I managed on my own. I had my ways around things, like ordering groceries, and even household things online. Cleaning, and laundry, were the two hardest things for me to do on my own, but still I managed. 

Besides... as much as he talks to Other Women online, I can't help wondering if he really needs me ? I refuse to compete with those online sluts no matter how much he talks to them. But I'm pretty sure that's not why he does it. I'm guessing he simply does it to use them as if they're his own individual porn web sites. After all seeing how they portray themselves on their fb pages, they might as well be running porn web sites ! 

Earlier today he more or less promised me that " from now on " if anyone gets in his way, they're going to see his " old behaviors " ! Translated this means that he's pre-planning on having many more raging fits in the near future ! Who does that ? Why PLAN to be angry ?! At least in the past he would having a raging fit, go for a walk - or play his video games for awhile, and then after a few hours his mood would be calm, and relatively positive once again. Today he surprised me by coming right out, and promising me that he's not planning on calming down for a very long time - if at all ! How was I supposed to take that ? I did the only thing I could, and just sat in my recliner chair not saying a word. I knew that anything I said would only further spark his rage. He's shown me many times in the past how that works. 

Right now he's been laying down in the bedroom. I'm hoping, and praying, that a nice long nap will have a strong positive affect on his mood. I hope ! If it doesn't, then that will mean I'm in for a very depressing, very long evening ! I hope that doesn't happen. 

I want things with him to work out. I want a life with him. 

But a lot of things need to change.