So so... so far...

The best thing I can say about today so far is that it's been " so so ". It hasn't been the best of days, but then again it hasn't been the worst of days either. Recognizing this fact, I suppose I can't really complain. I know for a fact that many others have it a lot worse than me. I love him dearly, and I want to have a successful - happy - relationship with him. That's not in question. The " question ", or " obstacle ", that I'm struggling to overcome is my fears. I'm struggling to decide whether I need to completely let go of my fears, or should I hang on to them - and use them guide my decisions - because in reality they are justified. That's my million dollar question.

How do I find the right answer to that ? I wish to God that I knew. Time apart hasn't helped because of that old adage, abscence makes the heart grow fonder. So the time we spent apart only served to pull down a rose-colored curtain over my eyes. That curtain, so far, has been coloring all of my decisions concerning him. Whether that's right, or wrong, I don't really know. 

Deep in my heart I know I want him in my life. It's just that life is not that simple. It never has been for me, at least. If our desires could always completely guide, and dictate every aspect of our lives, then there would never be any arguments. I realize that I say that as if it would be a bad thing. I don't mean to, except that I think men are meant to have some conflict in their lives so that they can truly appreciate the peaceful times. After all, how would you know what true happiness and contentment was unless you've lived through times filled with sorrow, and despair ? 

Anyways.... right now he's taking a nap. When he does that I'm always filled with whirlwinds of mixed thoughts, and feelings. I miss him while he's in the bedroom sleeping, but I make the most of my time to myself. The problem is that sometimes these times prove to give me too much time to think. Admittedly I have a tendency to overthink many parts of my life, and relationships. This has proved to be my downfall many times. I try to stop it. Thankfully I have been successful sometimes. It doesn't help matters at all when he starts to exhibit old behaviors every now and then. I'm very thankful that he hasn't let those old behaviors take him over that way they use to years ago. But I hope, and pray, that he'll manage to push them back, and stop allowing them to come to the surface at all anymore. I'm only human. It's only natural that I'll react a certain way to his old behaviors. Anyone would act out - in defense - to him behaving that way. He can't expect any different. If he does, then he's definitely in the wrong, and he needs to correct his thinking. 

He still has been talking about what he wants to do as far as improving the apartment, and improving our collection of electronic items. He talks about this in terms of " our future ". This shows me that he intends to stay with me. I just hope, and pray, that his words will continue to match his actions in the future. I can't live through another time of him leaving me. I told him this before he came back to me this time. He said he understood, and he came back to me. Since he's been here - a little over one month ago - he's said that he is happy here with me, and does intend to stay with me. My difficulty is pushing back my fears, and allowing myself to completely believe him. After all.... if you don't have TRUST in a relationship, then what do you truly have ? ..... I'm not sure.