Feeling Numb....

Without Trust what do you really have ? The obvious answer to this I suppose is, " Nothing ! " That answer stares to me inches away from my face, and yet I continue to ignore it day after day. After hanging onto hope for so long - so many years - it's hard to even allow yourself to recognize the truth of a situation, much less actually let go and accept reality. 

Instead, I've been continuing to exist in my own private universe. Once in awhile something tries to stab a gaping hole in my private bubble, but I do my best to ignore the obvious no matter how painful the reality. Wearing rose colored glasses is no way to live a life, but sometimes it definitely seems a lot easier than facing the obvious truths of a situation. 

So what do you do to help yourself accept the truth ? I wish I knew. I wish I could say that I'm ready to face the truth of things, but I feel that it's pretty obvious that I'm not. The trick is, " What do I do in the meantime ? " I don't want to completely lose my grip on sanity from allowing myself to still linger in my own " universe ". If that should happen then all hope would be truly lost. That's something that I can't allow to happen. 

Besides... I'm tired of being used like a revolving door at the entrance to a hotel, or fancy restaurant. Plus I'm tired of feeling like I have to compete will all of the others he was with when we were apart. I won't compete. I won't. I shouldn't have to, and he shouldn't be trying to make feel like I have to. If I asked him about this, I can guarantee that he'd deny it. 

Why would you tell your girlfriend that you're going to the bedroom to lay down for a nap, and five minutes later I can hear that he's talking on his cell phone ! WHY ? Who did he feel he needed to talk to " in private " with while he's in the bedroom ? What's the big damn secret ?! I was so shocked... surprised.. and mad... that I went right up to the bedroom door, and opened it, while he was still talking to " whoever " on his cell phone. I tried to ask him - " WHO are you talking to ? " -   while he was still on his phone, but of course he just stared blankly, and didn't answer me. It'll be interesting to see if he answers me about this, later. We shall see. To some this may not have been a big thing. For me this simply didn't make any sense at all. He had no business being on his cell phone when he had told me that he was going in there to rest ! For him to talk to anyone on his cell phone - in the bedroom - tells me that he was hiding it from me... or at least, trying to hide it from me. I'm sure he was surprised when I opened the bedroom door as soon as I heard the sound of his voice talking on his cell phone. 

I want to trust him, but how can I ? He's broken my heart, shattered his promises, and continually gone back on his word, time after time... too many times... " How can I truly believe he'll be different now ? " 

So far he's been back with me for a little over ONE month. In a little over one month there's already been about 4 to 5 times that his behavior has been very close to his " old ways ". I realize that I haven't been perfect either, but for the most part my behavior is simply a defensive mechanism.