Why Me ?....

There's one main thing I don't understand about my boyfriend. Why did he decide to come back to me ? What was the " true " deciding factor in his decision ? Was it truly that he realized that he made a mistake when he left me, and he really loves me ? Or was it a matter of pure convienience ? Am I just a " means to a end "... just a stop on his way to the next woman he tries to manipulate, and control ? And... the million dollar question that connects all of this is... " Does he still love his last ex-girlfriend ? " I would be very blunt, and ask him that question if I thought he would give me a truthful answer. Instead I feel strongly that if I dared to ask him that then he would do his very best to turn it around on me, and try to make it seem like I'm the one " in the wrong " for even asking. Plus he would simply give me no where near a clear answer as to his feelings about her. 

How can I not wonder about all of these things ? His actions open the door for all of these questions, but his moodiness, and anger, make it impossible to get at the truth. 

I told him many times on the phone before he came back to me, that I don't want him coming back unless he truly loves me, and wants to be with me. He assured me over and over that that was the case. But if that was one-hundred percent true then why has he added ex-girlfriends to his friends list on facebook, and why does he chat with ex-girlfriends through texts, and even sometimes through phone calls ! I could safely bet a million dollars that he would not be happy if I was doing all of that - but of course with my ex-boyfriends. I've tried a couple of times to ask him about that, and he shrugs it off by saying... " Go ahead ! I don't care ! Do whatever you want to ! " That's such a cop out answer ! As far as I'm concerned only someone that knows they're guilty of doing something wrong, would say something like that. They believe that it would take the focus off of themselves if they could get the other person to start doing the same " wrong " action. Of course when I refuse to be pulled into this, he becomes enraged at me.

So what do I do ????? 

I allowed him to come back to me. That was ultimately my decision, since I could have told him " no, don't come back ", during one of our many phone conversations. My biggest fault was that I fell into the same trap of naivety that's caught me many times in the past. I naively thought that he would keep his word - keep his promises, and he would truly change his behaviors. I thought he would not allow himself to so quickly slip back into his old behaviors. 

I wish that such a short period of time hadn't proved me wrong. He's only been back a little less than two months, and here I am wondering why he came back to me ! Ultimately what's the point of coming back to an ex-girlfriend if you're not going to truly commit yourself to her ?! If you're just going to play with her heart, and soul, just keep moving on. He wouldn't want a woman to treat him the way he's treated others. I wish he would stop and think about that long enough for it to truly sink into his decision-making process. 

I know deep down that I deserve much better than this. Still, I tell myself... " I love him, and want a life with him. " How twisted is that ? How can I even begin to have a happy life with him when he's constantly contacting other women ? He would be beyond enraged if I was constantly contacting other men, but I'm supposed to be " okay " with him doing it ! 

This brings me back to... " Why me ? " 

I wonder if I was only a convenience to him ? The " easiest " place to go when he got kicked out of the last place he was living. 

My life is not a hotel. My apartment is not a shelter for homeless playboys.