Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members
100,360 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
ESL12
ESL12
Amazes me how i can feel strong for a bit, and then a thought of her breaks me down... God give me the strenght to make it through this... Just though about this weekend, and being around her, but not really being with her... Can't hug or hold her. Kiss her lips or touch her hand... Amazing all the little things that start to pop up that are missed... I guess its true you dont really know what you had till its gone... I mean ive always known what i had... but the loss of her is bringing out more then i thought i ever know. sucks!
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
It's because you're still together ..living together. I didn't even start to heal until I told her to leave. She wanted out. At some point you have to think of yourself. It's up to you. Continue like you are and expect this same pain 24-7.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
Strength to you ESL12.
ESL12
ESL12
What a day. Normal, fun and together all day as s family. But still deflating moments.:(. This afternoon I mentioned my father and sister were dropping by to see the kids. She asked me if I wanted her to leave. I said. I don't want to talk about us. But I enjoy being with you even though you hate me. If you don't want to be here you don't have to be. She said ok. And stayed. She even coordinated dinner at my house with them. But it becomes increasingly painful to see her and have the fun times but not able to even hug her. To see her get dressed while hiding herself from me. Tomorrow she is going to her fathers for dinner. I know I'm in it's by her father but she has talked about it as if I'm not going. Clearly she either doesn't want me there or thinks I don't want to go. I'm not sure if I should say anything or just let it go. She wants seperation so I guess this is how it's gonna be. Anyway. Tomorrow is another day.
divorceredefined1
divorceredefined1
Be kind to yourself.
ESL12
ESL12
I'm away this week for work. It's been tough. She scheduled a mediator. It was crushing. We havnt talked in two days except for some email. I let it all out. Expressed how I've been emotionally abandoned. How I don't deserve this and how much I've sacrificed and how much I've been there for her. She acknowledge this is on her and she feels terrible for hurting me. Says she is sorry and knows I'm a great person. To me it's all bullshit. Don't tell me your sorry. Your not sorry. Your selfish. I've expressed my feelings and why I having given up. I explained how anything I say is meaningless because she won't listen to anyone regardless of what they say. How everyone including her entire family don't understsnd any of it. How they all know how much I e been there for her. Her grandma calls me yesterday I was surprised. But she said to me how sorry she is. How my wife won't even talk to her. Has been avoiding her because she knows nobody agrees with her. Her grandma told me her aunts and uncles are shocked and devastated. It all means nothing to my wife. So sad. I'm just tired of this all. I'm ready to give up. But can't get myself too. Just horrible lonely feeling tonight.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
These are the reasons why I insisted on my Ex wife move out. I knew to expect more of the same.. She wanted out..is separating in the cards soon? I feel for you...i tried cohabitating for 3 weeks and that was enough...it really messes up any chance for your healing
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Cohabiting during a divorce is like walking on nails and pouring salt in the wounds. It's like being on a diet but surrounded by chocolate cake. It really is a miserable way to live because it can be extremely awkward and you can feel like a shellof yourself...(.a ghost if you will indulge) and you get to watching your life playing backwards while it is moving forward all the while just wanting to know your presence is valued in some way. But that is just my take on cohabitation. I feel like I am on the set of my own version of "A Christmas Carol" and the only way to escape is to make ammends.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Charliegirl you got that nailed...
tailspin916
tailspin916
Sorry you're going through this. I'm on the same boat as you. I know my wife needs to leave ASAP, as us living together is doing nothing but hurting me and benefitting her.
Me giving and her taking has been going on for 10 years and I'm slowly stopping on giving. I am however being careful, as I don't want "standing up for myself" to bite me in the ass during the divorce process.
At the moment she's not going to fight me for the house and spousal support, so I'm not going to piss her off to where she will change her mind.
Hang in there, things will get much tougher before they start to get better. Just be emotionally prepared for a shit storm.
ESL12
ESL12
Our back and for emails went in a bit. Her last one basically said she doesn't love me any more. She doesn't want to fight. She doesn't want to hurt and she doesn't want to point fingers or be right. She just wants to be apart. I responded to it simply saying "good bye then". That was wed and I haven't reached out to her since. I don't even want to talk to her. She has everyday since reached to me as if nothing is wrong. Sent me a pic of the kids one day. The next day telling me about her day and asking about mine. Last night a video of the kids playing with her friends kids. I haven't responded. I don't want to talk to her unless there's a problem with the kids. Why is she bothering to reach out to me. I'm due to go home tomorrow from my week away with work. I don't even want to. Sad thing is I have to sacrifice time with my kids to avoid her. Just sucks. I want to run away and hid now. Wish this pain would go away. Feeling so alone and rejected.
broken234
broken234
I am sorry to hear about your emails. She is probably still contacting you because she feels guilty for hurting you. She wants you to feel better because then she will not feel as guilty. Don't sacrifice time with your kids to avoid her. Spend as much time as possible with them. Take them out and do something or ask her to leave so you can be alone with them. My husband isn't spending as much time with the kids now and they are suffering. It's worth having to put up with your wife so your kids see how much you love them. Just set your boundaries with your wife. What's acceptable to you and your recovery in this. Good luck. Stay strong.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Yeah she's looking out for her own well being and probably does feel guilty but her feelings really don't matter anymore as she has made it clear she wants out. You have to consider your feelings now and how you're going to heal. It's tough with minor kids I feel for you there but don't sacrifice kid time because of her. It'll be uncomfortable for a while but will end up just being the new normal eventually. As far as her chit chats and asking how's your day ignore that crap my ex did the same early on, text me with a "hey just checking in" BS text. They don't get the pain we're in because emotionally they're already checked out.
gem111
gem111
I think she should use the loan that you just signed for her to get her tummy tuck for an apartment instead. That would be way more beneficial to you1111
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I know thats right GEM. ....