Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
It's the hardest thing we've all had to do, believe me I know. As far as saving the marriage I would've done anything but she was so far emotionally removed when she dropped the hammer she said no to anything I suggested. This was of course cause she had her claws into someone else. So I'm coming from the position of saving your sanity. If there is a chance of saving your marriage I would say absolutely go that route. BUT you can't save it yourself. She asked for the separation so she has to be the one to want to save it. It only takes one to break a relationship and she broke it. I stayed in false hope for 5-6 months and I can only comment from my perspective. I do wish you luck and hope you get another shot. There has been to much damage on my end though so reconciliation is a futile hope, even though there are days/nights/mornings lol where I still really miss her but who she is now is not who she was. Who she is now I don't want anything to do with anymore. Onward and upward is my only hope now...good luck to you, just try and minimize your own suffering is my advice.
ESL12
ESL12
im having anxiety now, just thinking about being home with her, and where she is now and what she is doing... So sad... I can't believe ive been broken down like this... I keep asking myself why.. why me... How... I can't understand it... Maybe i need medication? It can't be normal for me to cry everyday for 2 months over this...
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
It is perfectly normal to cry every day for two months over the loss of your center. You sound just like Coop and me and others on here. We initially placed our families (and spouse) as our center. When my spouse asked for divorce, and began staying with another man (just a friend...) for multiple 10-day trips to Florida, I lost my center. My world was violently broken apart and I was spinning out of control - doing anything to try and put it back together. I swallowed my pride and tolerated the trips, mowed her lawn, cleaned her gutters, did errands for her - anything to put it all back together. She liked having me at her beck and call and we "re-connected" for nine months, until she decided it was really over and went back to stay with him (this week). I was clinging to false hope with my nails and heels dug in deeply - not willing to lose my center. I didn't want to lose my role as husband, as provider, as full-time father, etc. I was consumed with anxiety - you are not alone there and it is normal. It was only through acceptance of the fact that it is done that I began to heal - and I have a long way to go. However, the anxiety has stopped. The grief is still horrible, but getting better day by day. I'm doing one day at a time, but setting my sights on forward movement. To tolerate more eventually became a matter of self-abuse. To keep subjecting yourself to pain, to hope then loss of hope then an inkling of hope then... She told you what she wants. It is indeed the hardest thing in the world to do, but respect yourself, set clear boundaries and begin to move forward.
Aries1958
Aries1958
Having children back to back becomes the focus of a relationship or marriage. It's literally impossible for the couple to be the focus given the time and energy that can be rather exhausting when you are raising children. A better adjusted person would come to the realization that the marital system is the not priority.
ESL12
ESL12
Another normal night. Again I know it doesn't mean much. but a sense of normalcy is comforting even if it's temporary. But I was deflated when she asked me if it was ok she took the kids to her fathers for dinner. I said yes. But knowing another family gathering without me is painful. I miss all of then too. I speak with the frequently. Her brother seems to be in my side and is angry with her over this. He tries talking to her but she doesn't open up much and they are usually dealing with the kids so it's difficult for him. I'm working hard to hold back my emotions and let go of the lack of trust feelings. My mind wonders a lot when I start to feel lack of trust. I find myself making up the worst scenarios that I just have no idea are true or not. Self inflicted pain and it's just stupid of me. I Wish I could just wake up from this nightmare :(.
broken234
broken234
I do the same thing. Create self inflicted painful scenarios that are not true. I can't say that I know how to stop them because they happen still from time to time. I am also not even sure if it helps that my husband is out of the house already. Sometimes it is worse because he has his own place he can be doing things in. But when I do start thinking bad thoughts I try to remind myself that I can't control him, I can't control what he does or who he does it with. I remind myself that I can control my thoughts and what I do. I take some deep breathes and I feel marginally better. I hope you can find some peace with this soon.
ESL12
ESL12
I can't escape it... Today at work i decided to listen to some music... put on a station and a few songs in... my wedding song... ;o( Just broke down again. ;o(
ESL12
ESL12
So another interesting twist? Again, im not putting much into it, but it does cross my mind... She wants seperation but has yet to do much to actually seperate, like she is waiting for me to do it... She normally sleeps at her mom's the nights she has therapy... tonight is that night and she is not sleeping out, she will be home after therapy... not sure why, I didn't ask... She hasn't pushed for me to leave the house, and she hasn't left herself... she spoke about a schedule twice during this whole thing, but has never stuck to her own portion of the schedule, infact, hasn't even started it. Another small sign? who knows... im learning to take note of these things but not consider them to mean much.. that build up of hope only seems to be torn down by another action, so why hope... I dunno... confusing and tiring. Someone put me in a coma for a month...
ESL12
ESL12
Sorry ive posted so much today, ive had an active mind today... but i had a chat with a good friend of mine today... came to a mind set, im not sure if it will stick, but wanted opinions...

I know who I am.. the type of person, the heart i have... My wife herself through this has stated several times, I am a great husband, great father and great person... She is right.. I am... thats who I am... Why she would want to throw that away i have no idea... But i realize now that its her loss... and maybe she will realize that at some point, and maybe she wont. If she does it may be to late, ill cross that bridge if i get there... But ive realized im not going to change who I am... Im going to stay true to myself... i will continue to be a great husband and great father till she walks out the door... That door is open, she knows where it is but hasn't walked out of it yet... Im not running.... Of course at times its not fair to me.. and hurts... but you know what... Me being a great father is also showing my kids what is to be a great partner in a marriage... she doesn't have to show that, but ill know I did right to the end. that I was a great husband, cause thats who I am... she will either realize this and stay, or leave and end up regretting it one day. Its her loss... Ive tried, ive fought for my family, for my kids and thats all i can do.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
AMEN! We are on the very same page. I have the utmost respect and absolutely admire your ability to see that becoming a bitter, resentful, self-centered husband is NOT looking out for yourself because it forces you to become someone you are not. Give yourself the permission to be the very best husband and father you can in these difficult conditions. Do not assume it will be easy, for the pain will still be there. I feel certain when you look back on these days, regardless of the outcome, you will know with certainty you were true to yourself. PROPS TO YOU, BROTHER!
broken234
broken234
ESL...you sound like you have come to some solid conclusions about who you want to be. I think that it is great that you are going to stay true to yourself and who you are. You are also right to stay. She is the one who wants to separate. Let her leave. I know it must be hard to have her there all the time, but you are setting an amazing example for your kids especially if you are being amicable with her. I am getting sick of my over active imagination too. I just want to be able to move on regardless of whether or not my husband wants to reconcile. I want the decision to come from a healthy place. Not out of desperation to have my family back. I truly hope that you get the outcome that you want without having to sacrifice too much of yourself. You sound like a great guy. Between you and IDontMake.... If my husband had even a tenth of your guys devotion to marriage I would consider myself a lucky gal. Your wives don't know how good they have it. Good luck. Stay strong.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Do you ever recall swimming and opening your eyes under water and having to adjust your sight. That is what I would compare the experience to because what you may see might not be exactly how others see it but it is going to sting non the less because of what is in the water ie (emotions cloud judgement). The trick it seems is to come to peace within yourself. It is so incredibly hard to accomplish for myself but its what I strive for in the meantime.
ESL12
ESL12
Thank you all... Yes, im trying hard to focus on my actions and not hers.. Although hers at times are painful to me, i can't control them. I can only control my reaction to them. Its very hard, can't say ill have success everytime but its my focus now. I am who I am.. and im not changing that.
ESL12
ESL12
This new view of mine makes me think of a possible issue... I asked her today if she wanted to take the kids to a Bubbles show in NYC tomorrow.. she said yes... Which is great, family time, and more importantly doing things with the kids. However... She needs to miss me... if she doesn't, she will never realize what she is losing. How do I be a great husband while getting her to miss me... This seems to be my biggest internal conflict. Thoughts?
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
She can't miss you if you're always there. Doing things as a family and living together...it's not a recipe for reconciliation if she truly wants out.