You didn't fail shit she did. She has emotionally checked out brother. At this point I can't give u any more advice. Stay and be tortured or move the F on. She will play with your heart just as long as you let her. It's painful to read these posts because I've lived it. STOP RESPONDING TO HER BREADCRUMBS. Damn she made her mind up I'm only getting pissed because I lived this horseshit. It takes a certain amount of balls and self esteem to tell her to Fck off and get your own life back. It's your choice no one elses

I appreciate your strong emotions on this matter, your certainly entitled to them... I said im setting myself down the path of seperation, and mentioned to her we need to sit down and discuss details of it that are fair to her, myself and the kids... This is me adding some control to may life and situation, I am not going to allow her to set all terms without my imput. Im aware this is causing this.. im aware this is her decision. But its niave to think that any relationship is one sided... At some level ive made her feel the way she does... Does it justify her actions... NO, we all respond differently to feelings and this is her poor response... but part of me taking my own life back and growing from this would be acknowledge my won faults and working on them how ever big or small they are. I have two young kids that are priority one.. telling her to Fck off will not help them or me. I am done begging, I am done trying to understand it.... I am moving forward with a real full seperation, seperate home's and shared time with the kids.... Do I hope this will be something to lead her back to me.. YES today I do.. today I am still in love with her and want my family whole.... Will i want that in 3 months after not being around her at all.. Time will tell. I dont plan on feeling alone for ever... She failed me, and my kids... but so did I....

Just needed to vent. I'm home now. She told me she would be home late. Working late then stopping at her friends on way home a girlfriend atleast that's what she claims. I broke down and cried just now. I'm not even sure why it just kinda hit me. I had to hid from the kids so they didn't see it. As much as I tell myself I'm moving forward and separating and done begging and trying. I find myself in tears. Am I weak? Is this normal. How do I stop this pain. I feel pathetic that it's been 8 weeks and I can't control my emotions. I feel so alone, so lost.

You are not weak. You are grieving. I don't think it matters how long it has been. Everyone grieves in there own way and their own time. I feel like breaking down tonight too. My children are acting out, fighting with each other. I am trying to create some fun games to play but the reality is they want their dad to be here playing too. I have never felt more like crying than I do tonight. I think that focusing on yourself and kids is the best form of therapy in this situation. I know it is harder said than done. After telling our kids on Friday it has been a hard weekend and an even harder Monday. I just want this day to be over. Hoping that a new day will bring clarity. I feel for you and your family. Hang in there.

Well... She didn't come home till 10:45 last night.. I didn't ask any questions but wanted too... She said hello, we talked like normal about her day, she mentioned she ate good today.. ( we are both dieting ).. I asked what did she have... she proceeded to tell me breakfast lunch and then dinner, dinner was chicken adn spinach etc.. clearly from a restaurant... My firt thought was she originally told me she wouldn't be home for dinner as she was working late then going to her friends after work... When she mentioned the dinner i immediatly felt lied too... She then proceeded with prompt to say she went to the diner by herself. I dont know what to believe anymore... My mind wonders to thinking there is someone else.. the thought is crushing to me... I have no real way of knowing unless i do things that aren't me like snoop and follow her. Im just not sure its worth it. The truth may hurt more... I can't imagine her doing that.. but i just dont know anymore.. This is where my trust starts to fail, and she knows it... I could be wrong.. maybe she really did go by herself.. I have before. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head. I wish I could move on easily... I wish alot of things i guess... they are in my power to achieve but i feel powerless. She showered, then layed with our daughter who woke up when she came home... I went to bed.. she fell asleep in my daughters room... usually id go in and wake her to come to bed, but i didnt... I just went to sleep. Her and my daughter came to bed around 4 am... I had the brief moment of comfort, but realize it ment nothing. Atleast i had my daughter laying with me, thats always refreshing.

Lots of things going on here but first, let me start by saying you are not weak. I know I felt the same way after my ex and I split. There has never been a relationship in my life, that crushed me as much as when my ex and I split. I think that's cus when in a long term relationship, whether you are married, about to be married or in it for years with knowing that person is who you are intending on spending the rest of your life with, we tend to open doors inside of us to let those people in. We become vulnerable. We never think that when we allow someone so close to us, that they would come in and turn all the furniture upside down, throw all the pillows around and make a mess out of our house (emotions, etc.) that we have built up to this point in our life.

That's why I think it so hard to get over serious relationships and even has us putting up walls, dis-trusting others, etc. Its cus the one person we thought we could trust, we could let inside, didn't take good care of that when we did.

As in your case, I don't know much about your lack of trust in the past, but right now, for this situation I would say it would be substantiated. I mean, here she is, wanting to separate, has new friends, going out and pretty much living a life you have never seen her want to live before and all the while, leaving you in the past. She has not given you a solid concrete reason as to why she wants to do this. So, as most of us do, we try to figure out why someone wants or does the things they do. Many times we have this feeling inside, or some sort of intuition as to whats going on, altho we try to ignore it as much as possible, for whatever reason. But there are times when it is starring at us so glaringly in the face, that we can't help but acknowledge what we are assuming has to be whats what.

You can't tie your past lack of trust to this incident. I know you want to rationalize it, give her the benefit of the doubt, take the blame on for what she is doing, but you can't take it on. She is leading this charge to end the marriage for whatever reason. She may say she doesn't know why, but to be honest, people know why they do the things they do, especially something of this magnitude. I mean, I may walk in circles some days and not know why I am doing it. To end a relationship, it takes thought, justification and reasoning to come to that conclusion. Someone just doesn't say, I want to end this and I don't know why. They know why. Believe me, they know why.

So you can continue to rack your brain, blame yourself, and pull the cover over your eyes so to not see anything at all, to allow her to continue to walk her own path in peace while you continue to torment yourself over what she is doing and thinking.

One thing I have heard, and its usually a woman saying it to another woman, but it applies to men as well and that is, don't let anyone ever tell you more then once that they don't want you. Whether it is they don't want to be in a relationship with you, they don't want to live with you, they don't want to be your friend or they don't want you in their life.

It should only take one time for someone to tell us, regardless of the situation, to know, we don't need or and shouldn't want to be there. I have had to learn that lesson, the hard way as well.

stay strong.

Grieving is natural. Allow yourself those feelings, but be clear about what you are mourning. Is it the loss of what you thought your family could be - who you thought your wife was? That's gone.

Tough love questions learned by me the hard way:

-Do you like how you are feeling right now?
-Do you like not knowing if you can trust her or not?
-Do you want to keep feeling this way?
-Will you ever fully trust again even if she did a 180 and said it was all a mistake?
-Will you always be so afraid of losing her that you will forever walk on eggshells, continue to swallow your pride, squelch your reasonable questions, tolerate disrespectful behaviors, etc?
-What example of a relationship do you want to model for your children?

I know it hurts. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I prolonged it by renewing a relationship with her even after she divorced me, even though she was taking regular trips to stay with the "just friends" new guy down in FL. She had her new guy, and she had her default guy jumping through hoops for her. A year later, she now only has her new guy (and is down there for 10 days again right now).

I'm hurt, but not bitter. I wish her well, but I'm finally at a place where I would not take her back no matter how much I love her or wish for our family to be whole again. I have self-respect now.

I hope you will place yourself and your children first, with respect for yourself, and stop allowing yourself to be tortured in this way.

Those are all tough for me to answer... Can I will I trust her again if given the chance? Yes... assuming its open and honest relationship like it always was... Will I worry this would happen again... Yes, certainlny at the start of things.. but open and honest communication should prevent that, or atleast make me realize it wont work in a less painful way. I dont want to keep feeling this way... I do know that one way or the other i wont feel this way, I just feel it will take a LONG time for me and that bothers me... For me, its the loss of everything.. My wife, My best friend, my family... Her family, my own family losing her. The time with my kids... I think back to when things were great, and how perfect we were... I dont see how we can't have that again, it takes two, if she tried, we would succeed.. I know it deep in my heart. but i can't make her try... I question myself daily.. how can i love someone so much that can do this to me... I dont have an answer to that... Maybe im fooling myself. But even with things the way they are.. I find comfort in her when we are normal... going to bed at night in the same bed, Gives me comfort... I questoin if thats because of HER, or because someone is with me...

I dont know for sure how it would look her and I together if that ever happend again... but what i do know is, we didn't give it time, we should't stay together for our kids... BUT for our kids they deserve that we tried our hardest... and thats all im looking for right now. But she doesn't see it that way... she needs indepence and hasn't put the kids as a priority at all. She loves them, she would never abandon them, but she is seeking some freedom from marriage and being a mother... doing it everyday i think is to much for her. its sad, she would never admit it, but its what it seems like to me. its selfish of her and not fair to anyone involved. Her own family is angry with her knowing she had me and all the help and love and support i gave, and she is going to put it on them now... When she has the kids and needs help, she will call them.. They have there own responsibilties and will be there for her, but are angry that she is doing this, the impact it has is so wide spread and she doesn't even realize it. I talk to her brother frequently... he thinks she is living in fantasy land, will be there when he can for her, but has 3 young kids of his own. He is devistated, loosing a brother, and when he talks to her, she seems to have no clue to the reality of what she is doing. Right now, she isn't the person i married, and if that person returns... great im all in... If she doesnt.. I can't stick around and live like this forever. Its been 8 to 9 weeks... For my kids, im not willing to give up without a fight... If ultimatly i lose.... Ill live on knowing i did everything i could to save my family, for me... for her, and most importantly our kids. They deserve better of us... Me and Her. Like ive said, I dont take alot of the blame for this, but im sure i share some of it... All relationships take two... I can only control myself, and im willing to fight for my family for now.

Thoughts on this.... I dont know if i mentioned it before... We stopped therapy a few weeks ago because she says it wont help... This weekend I said to her, im settin course to seperate, and we need to work out alot of details... I said, this is going to be emotionally hard for me.. and asked if she was willing to see a therapist that deals with seperation... She loved the idea... Now obviously with her wanting seperatoin and me not, im sure our intentions are different in respect to a new therapist... anyone see any good coming out of this? I dont mean good as in marriage saved... although that may be a possibility...

Had a rough morning, after an odd night... last night we were home, it felt like a totally normal night... had dinner played with the kids... at one point i had my daughter on my leg and was bouncer her... My wife came over and sat on my leg with her... we laughed and went about our night... She went on the treadmill and i put our daughter to bed.. afterwards she came to bed and we watched one of our shows and went to bed... I guess more of those breadcrumbs... I dunno ;o(... This morning was rough.. She got up showered got dressed and i showered and layed back down for a few... She looked beautiful... and I said to her.. You look beautiful.. she said thank you. Short while later she came over and kissed our daughter good bye for the day and said to me have a good day and walked out.. My daughter yelled out.. wait mommy... you have to say good bye to daddy... She said back.. OK.... but put her jacket on and left.. I lost it... I cried like a baby.. These emotions of highs and lows are killing me. I need to give up.. I need to walk away... I feel like the only thing I can do is leave the house and walk away... Im affraid, i keep having this feeling that we will work this out, i try to be positive, I fear my next move will ruin any chance of that even though she has already destroyed that. Why can't i get myself angry, why can't i get myself to move on and just be done...

@ESL, wow and I thought my wife was bad... Your wife appears to be playing mind games with you. She seems to be playing with your emotions. My wife's actions were similar to yours and often gave me mixed signals. I took the advise of many here to heart and took control of the only thing I can control and that's ME and only ME. She's going to do what she's going to do with little to no concern about you or your feelings.
You need to ask her point blank "Are you willing to work with me on this marriage or not?" Anything other than a definite "Yes." Is a resounding "NO!" in my book. So unless she answers yes to your question, you need to just move on.
I too am very hurt, very sad, often holding back tears, but I do what I need to do to move forward. My wife just landed a full time job that I got for her (going to strange having her work in the same company as me). This job will let her afford to move out soon. At first the thought of her leaving was very devastating, now I can't wait until she leaves, as this will help me start healing. Her still living here makes me think there's a chance for us to save our marriage, but I know for a fact she is 100% committed to ending our marriage and destroying our family.

I would say the reason you can't turn off the love and turn your back on your marriage and cohesive family unit is because you are a truly good man. Anyone who could easily do what you wished in your post would be a borderline sociopath. You have invested your love... Your very heart and soul into this dream of a family and against your will and efforts, someone is torching it right before your very eyes. You deserve better, but given your situation you need to allow yourself to grieve this traumatic loss. While you grieve take time to recognize all the things you have done in attempt to save this precious dream. You need to give yourself credit and congratulate yourself for being a far better husband than those in the women's posts in this site. Feel the support from those of us going through the very same emotions and in some cases (me) very similar series of events. Extend your support to others here as you obviously have so much to offer in help, and you'll find some healing in that generous giving of yourself. We may be strangers from across the US, but we are here for each other with words of support and wishes and prayers for healing. I'm with you, man. God bless you and your family.

Ive been following this post for a while now, but havent spoken up yet. I guess I had a bad night yesterday and feel like venting a little.

We tried separation counseling, but my heart really wasnt in it and I was trying to turn it into reconciliation counseling. It was clear she intended it to be purely separation counseling. If you both arent in it for the same reason, it will likely just be wasted time and very frustrating.

I agree with the breadcrumbs. My ex strung me along for quite a while and it was soul crushing in the end. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to stop trying to plead or reconcile. The sooner you realize that this is likely just a business transaction for her at this point, the better. I was lucky as we were living apart prior to the divorce becoming final. I would think the more distance you can begin to put between you and her would allow you to start to really begin the process.

I also agree that not snooping on her is best for you. Yes, there will be a lot of anxiety and wondering, but having the facts on hand does nothing to help you (I can sadly attest) and will undoubtedly make this process all the more emotionally damaging for you.

I think most will agree there is no shortcut through all of this. Having your life and future distilled down to a few pages of a legalistic separation agreement is extremely trying and depressing. In the end, it comes down to you looking out for you and your kids. One thing I didnt pay attention to is that my kids had just as many emotions and difficulty dealing with the divorce.

@ESL, just caught that you think your wife might be BPD, not that labels help, but pretty sure my ex is as well, as it runs in her family and she meets most of the indicators. This will cause huge complications if there is a divorce. My divorce became very high conflict once I quit playing her tune. Feel free to hit me up for advice/pointers to avoid the pitfalls and traps.

Thank you all... Im not sure about the BPD, it was a topic early on only regards to her having difficulty expressing feelings... To my knowledge it was explored in her own therapy and determind not to be...

I dont really know what her full intentions are, she isn't clear... as ive mentioned before, when we were in marriage counseling the therapist in a private conversation stated she is conflicted... My own therapist while speaking about her and my situation has said the same thing... Shame of it is... over the course of this ive made every mistake in the book... Begging, pleading, showing my emotion, and in some ways showing im having difficulty trusting right now... I know none of this makes me a bad guy, i know its par for the course, but it hasn't helped.. may have even pushed her further away... One thing ive noticed and not sure if it means much... but through all of the seperation talk, divorce talk, therapy talk for both marriage counseling and even the recent seperation talk, she hasn't made any appointments, hasn't schedule anything. Not sure if its lazyness or hesitation on her part.. Im the one that scheduled everything... Im not going to schedule a mediator or file for divorce. If this is truely what she wants then she can do it. but she hasn't, atleast not yet. She has made it clear in her words she wants a seperation and doesn't want to work on our marriage, some of her actions seem different. She also has said.. She is shut down right now and "struggling to turn it back on".... That struggle i would think means she is in her own way trying to? Other wise whats the struggle? Maybe thats just mean seeing it in a way i want to, I dont know. She still wants me there for her with certain things.. Like that surgery, Its a month away, and im not sure if ill be there for her or not... im just going to let the next few weeks play out. She has talked about a schedule for seperation but at the same time hasn't left the house or done any schedule of her own... Again, hesitation or lazyness? Im going away again next week for work, so she will have another week alone with the kids, im guessing it wont mean much to her other then peace of mind for her... Its relief for me too on some level, but still lingers. Ive recieved a tremendous amout of advice both here and through counseling... ranging from me growing balls and being angry and tough with her, from remaining who I am, and true to myself... Continue you to be there for her for as long as I am willing to handle. Whats troubling is, we are all on here for the same reason, and nobody's advice has worked for them in respect to saving there marriage. Thats not very encouraging.. im aware i alone can't save it, she has to want to.... but through my reading and therapy advice, she will only want to if i find the man i was she married. I have admittidly changed from the strong confident man i always was, to weak emotional and uncertain man ive been the last few months. I have to find myself a bit again.... Maybe seperation will help that... I dont know. Ive learned that i have alot to offer... My biggest asset is my worst enemy right now.. My big heart... I mean that only in respeect to my strong emotion which has lead me to push her further by begging and pleading. I know im entitled to those feelings... but it doesn't help me or her. Ive tried to focus on those emotions and curb them... im trying hard to restore my image if not for myself, and if not for her, but for my future. I can't remain beaten down and weak and expect to move own.... I say this, and know this, but its the hardest thing ive ever had to do.