Thanks Again...

I have tried some of the things you mentioned...

Wed night i asked her to talk, I said a Civil no crying talk.. we ended up talking an hour.. it was a decent heart to heart... but mostly around plans on how to seperate....

Touching- Ive read alot of articles about rekindling that spark, touch was mentioned on them all... Over the last few weeks, I have on occasion tried this... There was a morning where my daughter and I layed in bed, she came in and laid down too in such a way that my hand ended up on her shoulder.. I rubbed for about 10 min... till she got up... Just this morning my daughter was again on my arm she came in to kiss her good bye, when she leaned in, I rubbed her kneck and arm, and said good bye... ive done other similar things over the course of time.

Something Fun - 4 weeks ago the marriage counsler suggested we do something fun... So that friday i asked her if she wanted to go to NYC to dinner and a show... she initially said ok...lets discuss when we get home. When home, she was hesitant.. said she didn't want to go because she didn't want me to take it as hope... she also said there are things she isn't talking about because she doesn't want me to see it as hope... This baffeled me.. if there is hope.. wouldn't that be a good thing? If she see's it as hope and thinks i would, whywouldn't that be more of a focus? I let it go and gave up my effort to... ive asked her ti watch a movie at home.. we did once.

As far as balance... im working on it... she still wants/needs me to do things for her.. not very fair to me.. little things like pick up milk because she was still at work... shovel the driveway if it snows, take her to the surgery in march because she will feel safe with me there... Tonight she has therapy and then is going out with girlfriends.. then sleeping at her mom's.... I decided rather then sit home with anxiety about what she is doing... I was going out too... I got a sitter and im going out with some friends...


Issue is, she has in her mind, we are done. there is nothing we can do. She doesn't "feel it for me anymore" Im family to her but more like a brother.... I can't make her change her mind, but she never gave us the chance to try and respark things.. we had kids and became parents loosing sight of each other. thinking nothing could go wrong and focused on the kids. To me, doesn't change my feelings towards her, but for her she feels it has. She is stuck in her head tht her parents stayed together for 40 years miserable she doesn't want to do that... Her father was an alcholoc first 10 years of marriage and her life, and emotionally unavailable the rest of the marriage to her mom and her as a father. They divorced two years ago... This all severly impacted her and has made her focus on any negative in us she can find while ignoring all the positive and there lots... But i can't make her see this, I can't make her try... I can hold on for the ride or jump off... Dont know what else i can do.

OK, ESL,
This just doesn't seem right that you had kids, and lost sight of each other. Most people have kids and of course the focus goes to the kids as it has too. Is the fact about losing site of the marriage because of the kids your idea or hers?????? something really sounds off about the whole thing. It almost sounds like an excuse.

I'd agree, she is using this whole "story" as a cop out.

She's been clear, even saying you are like a brother to her.

Yet, you still get her a V-day gift and have hopes.

Man, I mean no dis-respect, but you got to stop it. Just listen, before you feel attacked. I wish I had time to pick out all the "things" you wrote that are points to where, its just time for you to lick your wounds, move towards getting the separation and one or the other move out.

I mean, she is out for the night with "friends" . See you tomorrow. She has feelings for you as a brother. and so on. What I do read from you, You got her a gift, want to show her your love for her, etc.

You want to be the man you are, then you need to accept it for what it is and move towards getting your life back on track so YOU can live happily and have a healthy relationship with someone who is right in the pits with you, not out for the day, night and eventfully future.

Be strong, stay real, see whats in front of you and move forward. Im wishing you the best.

and btw..

dont give her no freakin' gift

As the whole NFL Live crew says...

"Cmon man"

FYI my ex wife left for weekends "with girlfriends" too...and claimed she was with her mom etc..it was lies. Her saying "don't have too much of a good time"... wink wink ...that's a huge red flag. I think you need to really brace yourself for the truth.
And quite frankly scrap the valentines gifts. She's made her position clear. Not to be disrespectful but you're torturing yourself. Why don't you keep your head high and move forward like the separation is inevitable. You may surprise her with your resilience and ability to move on without her. She expects your puppy dogging her. It's a huge ego boost for her. It took 3 weeks of my ex spending weekend nights away when I finally told her the next Monday I want her gone and she moved in with her mother. Seriously you won't heal at this rate.

#80

*like*

Exactly. Well put.

Valentine's day will bite the big bullet this year. I fear that you giving her a gift and being the recepient of the "cold shoulder" is only going to result in more resentment because you have gone above and beyond while she is "teasing" you and you can bet she knows exactly what she is doing to you. She keeps you guessing and you make yourself available because she feeds you enough hope. You are being manipulated and it is very easy to see this from the outside. The reason counselling will not work is because she already made up her mine. I get this opinion based on your "facts". To me she just feels too darn guilty and it wont allow her to follow through and I gather this because she didn't want you to "make her" feel guilty which is a load of crap. I apologize if I overstepped but after seeing what you posted just recently....it really became all too clear to me. Hang in there. You can stay true to your feelings without giving her a Valentine's gift. Best Wishes to you.

*mind

Hey All... I know its been a few days... I came down here to FL for work and just needed to get away from everything... Her and I really haven't talked since I left... She drove me to the airport last sunday and we talked a bit.. wasn't anything good... It was left off with me saying.. you know id love to talk to you, but if you dont want to ill understand.. ill let you reach out to me... That monday we talked briefly, but it was for me to facetime with the kids. The rest of the week i faced time with the nanny while my wife worked. We didn't speak at all tue.. and then wed she texted me a generic message saying she hopped i was having a good time with my boss and to tell everyone she said hello. She then asked if she was picking me up from the airport.. I said... its up to you, if you dont want to ill find another way... and i land at 3. She wrote back oh..ok... we will be there. That was the last we spoke until this morning i had to send her an email about some dates of another business trip in afew weeks... Now... I did focus on enjoying myself down here... and keep my mind off her and my situation... it worked until today when i realize i have to go home tomorrow and face it... It just brought back all the sad and painful feelings again... ;o)... I hope this gets better.

ESL hang in there. Even though the bad feelings returned you still had a few great days. That has to help right. Heal the hurt a bit. Hang in there. We are here for you.

It does get better. It's a series of ups and downs and then at some point you realize that you're ready to move forward.

You seem to be really good at letting yourself feel your emotions, the more you do that the more quickly you'll have the strength to move forward. Remember to take deep breaths (break ups and rough patches in relationships often send us into fight or flight). Also, take some breaks where you do something and focus on it completely - play with your kids, watch the sun rise or go for a run - it will give your body much needed rest from the hard stuff.


To be fair to yourself try to use the appropriate resources to make a plan that's fair while protecting you, your kids, your finances and (if necessary) your right to move on and find happiness.

Keep updating us!

Escaping the pain for even a day would be a huge blessing. Strength to you, brother, on your return.

hang in there and maybe reflect back on your vacation during the times you are in her presence. focus on the upcoming trips as well as to what you can do with the time you are there.

Well... She picked me up from the airport, i had no intentions of talking about us, Just wanted to enjoy the seeing the kids and even her without conflict... unfortunatly she started the conversation and it wasn't good.... She again talked seperation, now she wants to live at her fathers house and have the kids with her part of the week and part of the week with me in our house... She wants to figure out financials as to how much she has to put towards the house to keep it for a while till we figure out what to do with it... She also brought up trust... How I dont trust her and she is partially right... but i tried the explain the only reason i have trouble with trust is because she isn't open and honest with me.. because she hids things and i can sense it... and then my mind wonders and doesn't know what to think... She says she is affraid to talk to me about certian things because ill take it wrong and react wrong to things.. she mentioned how she was talking to my sister this week and was telling her a story about two people in her office and she realized these are things she wished she could talk to me about.. and she started to cry... I said id love to hear those things.. I dont understand why you feel I wouldn't... I said I trust you, I trust you with all my heart, just dont hold back... She said she can't, she can't open up, she is shut down. I said I believe in us, and I believe in me, and i believe in you... maybe you dont, but I do very strongly... That the thing that hurts most is that she doesn't believe in me.. We got home and eventually it led to my tears... She left with my daughter that night to sleep at her moms, and left me and my son home... I sat there after a week of peace and no tears... crying again... Before she left she asked me if I was ok... I Just said, I dont know what else to say... she left. The next day, yesterday, she came home from her moms, i asked her to talk, tear free and civil, she said yes.. We sat at our table and I said... im home this week, and next week away again... Before we make in rash decisions, please take these two weeks as will I to seriousl consider what is best for her, me and the kids... I have alot of concerns, my new work schedule, the kids schedules with school and such, and we are deeply connected financially... We also need to talk about rules... Are we talking during this seperatoin? if so when and how much... do we see each other? Do we try to date others? I said I have no desire to see anyone else, but its important we set rules around it. I finished it by saying.. I know ive said this a 1000 times... But I love you.. I care deeply about you and im setting down the path to seperate, I want you to be happy... I wish I can share in that happiness with you.

She agreed we need to talk about all of these things... she started to cry again saying, she knows she hasn't been emotional about this, that she has kept it in cause one of us has to be strong... I just listened while she cried.. I wanted to hug her but didn't.... Im comming to terms with it a bit more these days, but still feel lost.. I dont know what my future holds... I still have some hope if I can really seperate for a bit it will show her a way back to me, but that hope is dwindling each day... I feel like I failed at my marriage and worse ive failed my kids... I know this is her decision, and her doing this... but im sure i have some blame here too for in some way making her feel this way.