its already happening to me... my anger and acceptance i can feel fading... I was strong most of the day, i feel the tears coming as i type this.. Im going to florida for work next week, ill be gone the entire week... im hoping to not speak to her at all... and sadly a piece of me hopes that will make her miss me even a lil bit, but i doubt it... This just really hurts.

ESL - You're important to your kids, so make sure that they are with you half time if you can do so and want to do so. I'm just getting started with my divorce coach practice and would be happy to comp a few sessions to help you uncover what you'd like to see happen with custody and with your divorce in general. I can also give you some information on the grief stages of divorce. Feel free to contact me through the contact form on my website at: divorceredefined.com

In the meantime, start thinking about how you want things to be and brush up on the laws in your state. Divorce doesn't have to be a war, there are couples who manage to get through the pain and still coparent together in a productive way.

Thanks... Although it seems likely divorce is the outcome here.. im not sure if it is... She hasn't talked divorce.. I sat her down last night and collected myself, had a civil and honest conversation. I asked her straight out, whats the intent here? Should I prepare myself for her to date other people? Should I consider the same? I made it clear that i dont want to even speak to another woman, i can't possible look at someone else and not thing of her. She said she isn't interested in anyone right now, just needs to be alone. Says she hasn't put much thought into dating. She said for me to do what i felt i needed but she didnt want to know if i dated. I also told her that ill seperate, i wont fight it anymore.. but that i still hold on to hope that in weeks or months we can reconnect and be strong together. That ill be here open arms and heart. That i dont need her to survive, but i want her, ive wanted her since the day i met her, ive always only wanted her nobody else. She got a bit emotional but didn't respond. I explained to her that I dont want the kids moving around while we are seperated, if this ultimatly leads to divorce we will cross that bridge then.. but for now this is there home that we built for them, and its important to me that they atleast have that stability. She also still wants me there for her, she brought up her surgery in march.. she said she would still like me to take her. I asked her why? She said because it will make me feel safe... So I asked and those feelings dont mean anything for us to work on things? She said im her family, and she will also view me as family, and she loves my family and they will always be family to her. I wanted to argue this, but held back... ill be my kids family, not hers, my family will be my family and my kids family, not hers... They already are very upset with her, and only have maintained contact with her because ive asked them to for now. I told her i would be there, because i care deeply for her and I love her.. and that being there for her is all ive always wanted. Im leaving for FL this sunday for a week of work... she still wants to take me to the airport and pick me up... She also wants to facetime with me and the kids so i can see them... I told her it might be better if we just dont talk all week.. that ill facetime with the kids during the day with our nanny... we also agreed that since ill be away, we wont make any decisions till i get back, and will talk more then... Essentially i think what will happen is a schedule of sorts... Where ill sleep out monday wed fri and every other weekend. and she will do tue and thur, everyother weekend.

Im not to sure whats best... I still am holding on to hope that some seperation will lead her back to me. Although that hope fads each day... its still there. I am devoted to her and she is the love of my life.. im out of options

Wow, there is so much in your last post. I'm going to make a few suggestions (you should always do what's right for you - I'm just passing on information for you to do use as seems fit).

1. Consider a Controlled Separation. It involves a contract between the two of you, which includes an agreement for each spouse to work individually with a therapist. There are books on the subject, but this article tells you everything you need to know: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/separation/f/controlledsep.htm

2. It's great that you're allowing your wife some time to have the space she wants. It's common for moms to get so swallowed up in motherhood that they don't feel like themselves anymore.

3. Consider an evaluation for depression, if she's depressed there are a lot of options for her to work through it.

4. I love your idea for allowing the kids to stay put. My coparent and I have been divorced for 5 years and have maintained that type of arrangement for the entire time (our kids have never moved).

5. Talk to your wife about how you're going to explain the separation to the kids. They will get upset, but know that if you both make them feel secure and loved they will get through it. Ongoing conflict is the largest contributor to lasting emotional distress for kids (whether you're married or divorce).

6. Consider letting any decisions on defining family go for now. My former inlaws include me in everything and still send me gifts - its helped my kids to see that the adults in their lives can move through some rough stuff and still care for each other.

7. David Schnarch, PhD does a good job of explaining individuation within a relationship. While he is mainly a sex therapist, his theories apply to all aspects of a relationship. This article outlines his perspective on why its important to maintain our sense of self: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/2457357

Keep posting and let us know how you are - I hope everything goes well with your family!

Thank you.. Your post brought some tears to my eyes.. but its probably more just reality starting to settle in... Wierd thing for me is how she keeps reaching out to me.. I mean part of me loves it... but another part feels no contact unless its about the kids... her office moved to new location, all the old office furnutire was up for grabs, she texted me today and asked me if I wanted an office chair for our computer desk.. I said sure.. then she asked if I would stop by to pick it up since I have an SUV. All i can think of is why... I no longer have a home really... and why even involve me... She says she needs to not need me... then why ask me for things.... Im going away for work next week, we pay our nanny every friday.. I told her I would leave the joint account card for her... She said ok, but asked me if I could take out the money for this week and next as well as some extra money for cleaning ladies next week and her therapy copay... again i ask myself.. why? You want to not need me.. im leaving you the card, stop at the bank yourself? She still wants to take me to the airport for my trip and pick me up... why... If you want seperation then just leave me be... I travel the fine line everyday, do i tell her dont talk to me.. do i tell her dont do for me, and im not doing for you? But her doing for me and me doing for her makes me feel connected to her in a small way... She texted me more today too... they had a firealarm at her new office and told me all about being stuck outside.. Told me she has a meeting and its long and boring, she brough water and snacks... why the general chit chat? Is it imature of me to not feel i can even be her friend right now? I look at her and want to hug her, kiss her, and i can't.. then i find a private room and cry... I read all day about saving marriages and what happens to children of divorced parents.. and she just goes about her day like nothing is wrong. Am i that weak? I picked my daughter up from school today and dropped her home... Just seeing my kids makes me cry... I feel i failed them... we failed them and they deserved so much better from us... and im 1000 percent willing... but she is 0. How does none of this cross her mind? This morning i was getting dressed and in my draw i had old cards, i looked at them to see what they were i forgot about them... First one was a fathers day card from her... It said " I love you more each day... I want to spend the rest of my life with you, or your life which ever comes first :o) " My Love always E " That was 6 months ago... how can that change so fast? How can you say those words and not remember those feelings? I contemplate showing it to her... but not sure if it will do any good or harm. Im just so lost... i have feelings of just disapearing... I have feelings of turning my phone off, finding a whole and sleeping in it for a month... I can't believe this is happening to me.

ESL I feel your pain. Those little text messages, about random things make me still feel connected to my husband. I think that some days I will just tell him to stop communicating with me all together unless it is just about the kids or the house, but another day passes and I don't do it. I do not initiate any communication via phone call or text though, unless it is about the kids. I figure that if i remain amicable and kind that my kids will be better off in the long run. I am polite but i try not to engage or change the topic back to the kids. Like when my husband texts and asks me to come over with the kids, but he wants me to stay too, I just respond that the kids would love to see him but I can't stay I have some things to do. It kills me because I want nothing more than to stay, but then i will just come across as needy and desperate.
I know how you feel about your kids as well. I feel like we failed them to. I well up in tears every time my children ask "when is daddy coming home". I came home from work early today because i couldn't focus and I just felt like crying. Now i can lay in bed and feel this grief that my spouse sentenced me too before I have to put on the smile for the kids. Maybe your trip away will give you some much needed time to just focus on yourself. Enjoy the warmer weather, soak up some sun. Try not to contact her unless absolutely necessary. And don't take the money out for her. Time for her to start to take care of herself if that is really what she wants. You might still want to take care of her, but you are only showing her that things are still the same. Respect her by giving her what she wants. She may not like it at first, but it is probably what she needs to begin healing herself. Also, I like your idea about splitting the time at the house so the kids don't have to move around. Are you both maintaining a separate place or staying with family when you are out of the house?

WE haven't really seperated to much.. She hit me with this and i was blind sided Dec 30th... The first couple of days we took turns sleeping in our basement. Then i decided i would sleep out and spent 4 days out but came home daily to see the kids... id stay home a night and then out again for about week and half.. she slept out one night at her moms that week. Then after that, i started resent her a bit, I wanted to be with my family and kids, and i told her this... I started staying home more and slept out 2 or 3 more times. Then about 3 weeks ago ive been home so far for good. taking turns in the basement. She continued to sleep out thursday nights at her mom's after her therapy session. a week ago today, she didn't want to sleep in the basement, and i had two nights in a row.. she said to me... She was really tired and wanted her bed.. that i could sleep in it too just dont take it the wrong way... We have shared a bed for a week now. Including tues night our last argument and last night. She actually said ot me i haven't respected her during this.. and i asked her why she thinks that.. she says because she wants to do more of a schedule.. week 1 she suggested she sleeps out tue, thur and every other weekend. and i do Mon, Wed Fri and every other weekend. I didn't argue with her, but during the last 6 weeks, she at no point followed her own schedule.. but decided to blame me and say i haven't respected her... I tried very hard the last 6 weeks to remain distant for space, but not to disapear, not to loose the lil connection we seemed to have. But now its clear that i have to disapear... so hopefully when i get back from FL, ill be able to honor the schedule... as much as it kills me... I have no choice. ;o(

New feeling this afternoon... I think anxiety.. We will be home this eveneing together, and although we are normal and friendly, I feel anxious i wont be able to control my emotions... im crying now as i type and the looming thought of her going out tomorrow night is bothering me... It wouldn't normally, I always trusted her and never stopped her from going out which was rare... but tomorrow night is different for me... My trust is turning into heart ache as im not sure where her head and heart is anymore... I fear she might be going on a date or going out to meet guys with her friends.. I could be wrong too, could be an inocent night out, but the fact that she wont tell me where she is going, only that its a female friend by name leaves my head spinning. Im so deflated and heartbroken.. im so anxious and scared.. I can't stop her, i can't control her nore do I want to... but the pain of the thought of someone else is crushing... im not sure i can handle it.. I dont know what to do, and I fear in my emotions i may say something to her i shouldn't... ;o(

Get tough and take care of yourself ESL. She is sending a clear message. Tomorrow night is "Valentine's Day Weekend," and she wants to spend it out away from you. Like my Ex, she seems to want it all - the benefit of your company and services entirely on her terms, and her freedom to do who knows what. Either way, she has all the power and calls all the shots, and you jump for her. You do this out of your deep love for her, and your sense of family, but at least for me, that only led to deeper heartache in the end. I wish I had respected myself more. Good luck in Florida. I hope you are able to focus on the job and not the anxiety of your situation.

Just a few similar observations. Those texts about the minutia of life's happenings are killer. Like you, those were my little bits of connection thinking that "of course this isn't going to end...look how much we are still interconnected." Even now this happens but I've finally been able to not respond or just say "OK"...unless it is about the kids. She wanted me to help her move into her apartment. I absolutely refused and she said in therapy that she felt I should have helped. Our therapist said that was unreasonable for her to expect. I have stopped being Mr. Do-Boy. She had a tail light out on her car and while she came by for scheduled dinner she said she bought a new light for me to install. I didn't do it. Her new grease monkey can do that for her (I didn't say that but I really wanted to). I heard the same thing from people that she has it all; me as the friend/co-parent and the thing on the side.

On another note...check your DS messages. I'm in south Florida. First round of drinks (shots? double shots? with beer chaser?) is on me!

ESL, it may really help you to formalize a separation in writing. Outline a schedule that you can stick to, set some boundaries around communication, outline a budget for each or you and discuss whether dating other people is ok or not and decide if you'll get together to work on the marriage while you're separated. I'd ask her to spend one on one time with the intention of improving things.

Consider looking into the possibility of a personality disorder or depression. If she seems to have either, it would be smart to bring it up in counseling and talk to a therapist about how to work with her (both as a husband and, just in case, through a divorce).

a few months ago there was a topic of her haveind borderline personality disorder.. However, it was a topic that came up with her own mothers therapy talking about her daughter.. and it was briefly touched on when talking with our first marriage counsler. She started her own therapy and i had hopes it would come out there, but it hasn't, and i believe she asked her own therapist about it and it was determined she doesn't... No idea if thats right, perhaps her therapist isn't a good one, but she does love her.

So afterwork yesterday things were normal and friendly, we talked, she cooked dinner took care of kids etc... shared a bed, and watch one of our shows together.... Went to bed again in the same bed. This morning was more of the same, except, when she was leaving, she said have a good day and a good night she would see me tomorrow... and then she said Have fun tonight... but not to much fun.... She is going out with her girlfriends.. I dont know her full intentions... and I decided i dont want to sit home and cry all night wondering what she is up to, so I got the babysitter and im going out tonight too... She knows im going, doesn't know where... But found it interesting she had concern for me having to much fun... ( I suspect the hidden message there meaning meeting/hooking up with a girl ) I have no desire for that.. im devoted to her, and im still married, id never cheat... but why would she say that if she doesn't want me?

She just sounds so confused. Is there any way you can get to counseling together and discuss the mixed messages she's sending you? (I'd write them down before hand). It would be wise to bring up the possibility of borderline personality disorder. Make sure you're using a qualified therapist (PhD preferably).

It's really important to look into BPD because it will complicate things if you get a divorce. People with BPD have control issues. They tend to push people away or try to control them, some of them are even physically violent. Yet when their partner leaves, they act indignant and are convinced that they've been abandoned to no fault of their own.

Whether she has the disorder or not, you need to set boundaries with her. She may be all over the place, but it's up to you whether you're going to follow her lead. Just decide what you're willing to put up with and gently but firmly tell her how far she can go.

You're doing this already by setting boundaries around communication while you're in Florida. Try to address any other areas where she is giving you mixed messages. It will really help you maintain you sanity through all of this. It's also an important step in reconnecting with yourself and what you want, what you're willing to put up with.

Keep going - tomorrow's Valentine's Day. If you feel like it do something nice for her, but also do something nice for yourself. Plan to have some time where you get to do whatever you want for an hour or two.

Thanks again.. your insight and help is greatly appreciated... My goal is to set some boundries, but hopefully not to set them to loose the little connection we still have, and i mean little aright now...

We were seeing a therapist together up till 2 weeks ago... He was our second one and we both liked him, we started with him in Dec. The previous one we saw a few months and realized she wasn't good. In ffact when we first saw the new therapist my wife said ( I wish we saw him months ago )... That gave me hope. but anyway, 2 weeks ago she had a very busy week with her office move... didn't want to go to counseling that week saying, she had a busy week and felt that it just stirs the pot.... I said ok... and what should i tell him? are we going to go next week? She said yes we will go next week... A week later which was this past tue. I reminder her we had therapy wed night. She said.. I told you I didn't want to go.... I said no you said you wanted to.. I am a million pecent sure there is nothing more important to me then this.. She said well I dont want to go, he can't help us... I said what does that mean? what can help us? she said nothing. She also told her mom that the therapist said he can't help us... this is the last thing a therapist would say, and the last thing he said... our last session left off as him asking her what she wanted to do,, see him and work on tings.. see someone for communication, see someone for sex therapy, see someone for seperation.... her response at that time was, can i process it.. he said sure, we will see you next week.... She took that and told her mom he said he can't help us. Sad thing is, 3 to 4 weeks ago is when she finally starting talking about issues.. and so far all things that can be worked on. Id love to keep going and work on things, but i can't make her.. so im not sure how i can get her to go...

As far as valentines day... ive been torn with this.. last week was our anniversary, i got her a card a gift and flowers and wrote a nice letter. She opened it, thanked me and gave me a hug... No card for me or anything.. ( I didn't expect one ) Now this weekend I got her a card and small gift.. not sure if i should do much more.. I dont want to upset her by it being perseved as pressure... but i also want to continue to be myself and show her my love.. so im a bit torn.

You definitely can set boundaries without pushing her away. Here are some things to consider, based on what you've mentioned so far:

Communication: Ask her to sit down and talk with you for a certain amount of time each night or once a week even - 10 minutes, no distractions. Take turns listening for five minutes each then continue to talk if you want. Really listen to her - that's how you get close.

Physically: If you feel comfortable, ask her if you can give her a back rub. Keep expressing concern about her upcoming surgery.

Fun: Ask her if she'd like to do something you both enjoy for a short period of time - an hour or so.

Think baby steps and see how it goes.

Here's the really important part - balance it out by giving equal attention to your own well being:

Start reconnecting with what you truly want, how you are truly feeling, reassure yourself that you're a good man and these are her issues. Essentially start taking care of yourself - it's not selfish and it will strengthen you for whatever lies ahead, whether that's reconciliation or divorce and, eventually, a new relationship. You have to get to know yourself and take care of yourself, I can't emphasize that enough.