Well, 5th night in a row sharing a bed... again not even a conversation. Although she did mention she would be sleeping at her mom's friday night after her therapy session. ;o( im definitly driving myself crazy here, something i need to focus on stopping. I can't seem to figure it out though.. my mind wonders to her all the time. Her office moved is now a minute from mine. Kills me that we could be car pooling and or doing lunch from time to time... Just wish you would see the light already. This has been 6 weeks now. Prior to this our marriage may hve had issues, but this last 6 weeks is what is rally doing the destruction to us. I wish I could make it stop.

Oh ESL. I so feel for you. Your experience is so similar in many ways.

Whatthe321 summed it up well though. You can't make somebody change or love you the way you want to be loved. Like me, you are spiraling down a path of being willing to do ANYTHING to keep her or "win her back." Now, as distrust also comes into the equation, you have to ask yourself who YOU are. What is important to you? How far are you willing to go in sacrificing yourself and your health?

I completely lost myself, all dignity and even some of my character (read her personal email once) as I tried to figure out what she wanted and be "perfect" for her, and as I realized she was in at least an emotional affair with someone else at the end.

I understand your terrible pain and angst, and your desperation to find a way to keep her and keep your family together. I understand your confusion over mixed signals and wanting to interpret any scrap as something positive pointing toward eventual reconciliation. I was right there with you.

I can't tell you what to do as each person's experience, while similar, is unique. I can tell you that I was "strung on" for almost a year in this way, and the damage to my emotional, physical and spiritual health became more and more pronounced.

You have to protect yourself and care about yourself - even when your heart is screaming that you don't matter and you need to do anything for her. You need to find a way to "detach with love." It will protect you, and it may even make you more desirable to her as you demonstrate that you respect yourself. After all, why should someone else respect you if you don't respect yourself?

I'm just barely beginning to heal, and these are just lessons from my journey. I have a ways to go. I pray things turn out "best for you," which may or may not be what you want in the moment.

Best wishes.

Well all.... we are done... ;o( We were supposed to have therapy tonight, she doesn't want to go, second time in a row now... Says he can't help us... When i asked why she thinks that, she said nothing can.. she just doesn't feel it anymore doesn't love me... we argued, i cried, i told her then she can call a mediator or a lawyer for all i care... and to call a realitor cause this house has to be sold. I also said since this what you want, you can either get out or sleep downstairs.

I left to calm down and cry alone, around 8:30. came back at 10 and she was sleeping in our bed. I just showered and layed right down next to her.

This morning we argued a bit more, I cried again, She said my true colors come out, i run and get selfish... cause i was going to leave for work today ontime instead of late everyday so she can get to work early. I said selfish? Ive been doing everything alone to support you and these kids.. i alter myschedule so you dont have to.. I rattled of a ton more. I think broke down and cried and said, I dont know how to not provide for you and my kids... It goes against every fiber in my being. im here always and hour i run our is because im scared and dont know what else to do... I dont know how to give up on us, and I just want to disapear... she teared up and hugged me.. I cried in her arms for a few minutes.. then she left for work...

There is no way this will resolve without her wanting/traying... she said last night she was sorry she couldn't communite better... To which i said we can communicate and work on it now.. but she doesn't see it any other way then hers... So its over... I have to find away to pick up the pieces and move on..

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am kind of getting the run around with my husband too. He wants to come home/he doesn't want to come home/ he wants to but doesn't know how. I am getting so fed up as well. My emotions are being torn apart. I know how hard it is to feel like you do and carry on with your normal day. I want to crawl into bed for a week sometimes and forget the world. I am sorry our spouses are doing this. It is so frustrating to know that if they would just legitimately try, just a 10th of the effort we put in then we might actually get somewhere with saving our marriage. I hope that you find the peace that you need to move on. I know my story will come to a head soon. It's just a feeling. Hang in there. Hugs.

ESL, sorry to hear. At least now you know and she made it very clear. No more wondering, no more false hope. You know how she feels, so now it's time to focus on you and the kids and not waste any more time focussing on your marriage that SHE doesn't want to help save.

I'm on the same boat... My wife just landed a new job (that I helped her get) and will be moving out as soon as she is able to save enough money. Based on my calculations will be within a month or so. Then I can start the painful process of healing.

I'm so sorry ESL. I know this is not the outcome you wanted. Please remember you can only control you, not her, no matter how hard you try. You gave it all you had, and then some. She wants to end it, and it is apparent you will never get a solid explanation of why. Stop questioning yourself now. Stop the "if only I had.." "If only she would..."

It hurts like hell and it is a tough journey, but you will make it through and be strong for yourself and your children.

Just think - nor more guessing. No more tormenting yourself. No more trying so hard to do anything and be everything. That is a blessing in disguise.

Now you need to focus on you and the kids. Find yourself again. Start thinking about what you want and who you are. I'm guessing, like me, you isolated as you focused so hard on her and saving your marriage. It is time now to reach out. Renew friendships and make new ones. Start identifying your needs and wants (outside of her) and start taking good care of yourself. It will help you heal and be strong for your kids.

Again, I'm sorry to hear this, but not surprised. It seems to be a common theme. I'm sorry yours wasn't the exception, but I'm glad you won't be in limbo hell anymore.

We are here for you. Prayers and best wishes.

Thank you all. I mean it, you have been alot of help and just being able to vent has been huge. Its still painful, Its still going to be a long hall as things get split up, The home we built for our family will have to be sold, ill have to rent a crap apartment and live the rest of my life worried about my kids well being not having a stable home. im not sure how ill even be able to look at her anymore, and yet ill still have to.. my kids are only 3 and 2... they deserved so much better then this... I know we can't stay together for the kids.. I wish she would have thought of them before deciding not to try... She never tried never communicated things till 3 weeks ago... should have been progress, should have seen that as a starting point, but she is being selfish and stubbron.. I can't continue like this.. and not going to therapy was the last straw of hope for me... She claims to care alot about me... she is lieing to herself and everyone else.

That first day when you realize your marriage is over is so hard. It's next to impossible to imagine, but you'll get past this and you may even get to a point where you feel that she did you a favor.

I've been divorced for almost 5 years and my former spouse and I have finally come around to being friends.

Just remember that your pain about the marriage will pass, your relationship with your kids is forever. Do everything you can to put them first. (I can tell that you will).

Just keep telling yourself: Emotions are temporary, your values are permanent. Create a mission statement for your divorce based on your values and follow it - now that you know divorce is the route you're taking, what do you want most for your kids given the circumstances?

Thats a tough answer... I want them to have stability and a home.. I dont want them sharing time in two places.. especially when school starts for them, my daughter in lill over a year will start kindegarden... Problem is, there home now I dont see how either of us can afford alone. and if I keep them and my wife in our home and i move out... I can't afford my own place. is that even fair for me? im willing to sacrifice myself for my kids.. but that now means sacrificing myself for her as well... giving her a home, and basically giving her full time with the kids while im not there... Im sure i could visit and spend time with them.. but Just doesn't seem right.

I'm sorry this happened, I really am. My ex wife was the same way though, her mind was made up, she left almost a year ago now. Our kids were much older so I am grateful for that at least. There is some consolation at least now you know for sure her intent. After I asked my ex several times while she was packing if she didn't want to try counseling and she just said we talked about this already...I said fine because then I knew at that moment it was over. Good luck to you focus on you and your kids now

Since she wants out, not you, I'm just curios why you are immediately going to models where she has primary custody of the kids. I know finances will be difficult when you go from two incomes supporting one home, to supporting two homes each on single income plus child support.

You have developed a habit of sacrificing yourself. Habits are hard to break. Think seriously about what would be best for the kids and then stick to it. e.g. You have them primarily - she gets them every other weekend and one weeknight or similar.

im not looking to sacrafice myself for her... but will for my kids.. im not sure what the answer is... My thought is they should be under one roof, in a home, there home. Flip flopping beds and nights doesn't seem like stability and a home... yes, weekend visits and such arne't so bad... but once school starts how can they spend any week night in a different home, possibly in a different town? unless its summer. I dont know what is right. I dont know as ive never done this. Do I want them with me as much as possble.. yes... so will she... I dont care what she wants so much, but because of that it will be a fight or atleast a disagreement where they will end up splitting days or weekends or nights.. but is that what is really best for them? Niether of us can afford our own house... we will end up in a rental, might not even have enough bedrooms for the kids to have there own. what kinda of childhood will that be... they are young, and they deserve the best...

I really hope you won't decide what is best for the kids without listening to them, even if they are small. They are going to want to spend time with you. Please don't try to self sacrifice so much that it really isn't good for anyone.
I know someone who had kids same age as yours. Left the kids with the wife for "their own good" and it didn't work out so well. The kids figured out if they didn't have a bed at Dads house like all the other kids that came from divorces , that meant that their dad didn't want them.
I wish you and your kids luck

Thats part of my dilema.. Reality is if i figure out away for her and the kids to stay in the house.. ( not saying this is my top choice )... I wont have a home, ill be at famlies house or a studio apartment... I may not even have a bed for myself...

This now means we have to sell, and when that happens, niether of us will be able to buy another house. so a rental it will be, and could probably only afford a two bedroom at best. I live in NY on Long Island.. House prices are through the roof, rentals are crazy, a 2 bedroom that isn't a dump is $2000 a month. so then what do i do? go to a crapy unsafe town for a 2 bedroom for 1200?

My house now is in a very good safe town, great school district.. if I could keep the house myself and keep them with me that would be my top choice.. I just dont see any finacial way unless she pays for the house with me, she wont. So what to do?

ESL12 - Sorry this turned out this way. I know it is not what you wanted to happen. Like people have said, it is important to focus on your kids right now but don't give up on yourself. You have an incredible amount of strength to be able to go through what you have gone through...it may not seem like it to you right now but you do. You pulled out all the stops, gave it your best, took responsibility to get counseling, etc. This. Just. Happens...unfortunately.

I don't know your financial situation but just curious if it is totally out of the picture to have you stay in the house with the kids and have her move out. When everything happened to me I assumed that I would have to move out but my therapist just plainly asked me "why are you moving out?" Ummmm...because I'm the father and that's what usually happens. He really made me think that there was no reason for me to move out...so I didn't.

That discussion you had with your spouse about supporting the family really hit home with me. I did my best to keep the family safe, secure, financially secure, planned for the future and then this happens. It really sucks. I sometimes think about my retirement and other savings being spit.

Again...sorry it turned out like this. You will get through this but it is going to take time.