I guess that's not such a bad thing

Well.. tomorrow is my anniversary... As it approaches hour by hour, i can feel myself slowly geting sader and sader. I guess its expected, but doesn't make it easier... Her big office move is this weekend so she will be home late tonight and has to work tomorrow most of the day too... I dont even know if the day means anything to her anymore. Ive been torn if I should give her a card or gift or both... I keep going back to what our marriage counsler said.. " be patient and keep doing what im doing" Ive decided to stay true to who I am.. im a loving guy with a big heart... I dont expect much from her, but im still going to be the better person and give her a card a gift. I wrote a letter to put in it... its shown below... Feel free to comment on it, but its from my heart.... im not ready to give up, but do feel myself starting to pull away... It will be a while before ill be able to give up and walk away. She seems like she has, but other times she seems like she hasn't.. Could just be wishful thinking on my part too.. but regardless, My heart is still in it, and until that goes cold for her, i have to keep trying.


My letter to her....

"Six years ago today I said I do those two little words that mean so much. Besides watching my beautiful wife give birth to our two amazing kids Feb 7th 2009 was the happiest day of my life. That day I committed to you all I have, my heart, my sole and every fiber of my being. A lifetime of good times and bad, laughter and tears, and any storm this world would put us through. Ever since I met you Ive looked at you in awe. Youre a beautiful sole and a purely stunning woman. Your still and always will be the hot girl I have no idea how I was so lucky to be with. I love the way you brighten a room when you enter itoh how that makes me smil e. You have changed my life for the better, shown me things in myself I never knew existed. You inspire me every day to be better and have given me everything any decent man could ever dream of. For that I want to say Thank you!
I cant imagine a life without you; I cherish you and all you bring to my life. You matter to me more then I think Ill ever be able to speak. I find comfort with a simple touch of your hand and melt when we kiss. I want you to know that no matter what, I will never leave your side I will never stop loving you and I will never abandon you. I am committed to you, and all that you are to me and our kids, again I want to thank you for being you.
I know things havent always been easy, havent always been perfect nothing really ever is but we are pretty damn close. I hope one day soon you can see your way back to me I dont blame you for anything your feeling. I truly hope you find all you need. Ill be here open arms, open heart, and completely committed to you, my stunning amazing wife. You are the most beautiful woman Ive ever known and I cherish you more than life itself


All My Love Always"

Well. She got home pretty late from work. I left her card and gift with a rose on the counter. She opened and said thank you she really needed what I got her. She then came over and gave me a hug. It was late so we just went to bed. This morning she was leaving for work again. I wished her luck on her move today and said happy anniversary. She said it back. I didn't get a card or gift which I expected and she still covered up getting out of the shower. We did share the bed again. That's teo nights in a row. But It doesn't mean much. I think it just has to do with her being busy working late and not wanting to sleep downstairs.

My wife slept in the same bed with me last night as well, because one of our daughters had a sleepover and the girls slept in the guest room. I tried to hug her, just so I can feel her in my arms again. BIG MISTAKE. She gave me a huge reality check, reminding me there's NO saving this relationship and hugging her makes her feel uncomfortable and is awkward. How can my hug all of a sudden make her feel uncomfortable in just over 3 weeks, when I've been giving her the same hug until recently for 10 years?

Last night just made me realize that I need to give up hope and accept the inevitable... The end of our family as I knew it.

I'm just so sad today. My anniversary. I wanted so bad to celebrate. A few months I was planning a weekend getaway for just the two of us. She ended up having to work anyway. But I didn't even get a card let alone celebrate :(. Why is this happening to me. I never would have dreamed of this happening. We were so perfect together. We had it all and now I have nothing. I sit here now alone thinking of our wedding day. How happy I was. How in love I was and still am. How it was the start to our family. How I said I do for good times and bad. To cherish her which I do. I know it will take time but today. This moment I don't feel ill ever get over her. I'm not very religious but I pray myself to sleep just begging God to bring her back to me.

ESL. I am mesmerized by this thread and I can truly truly feel your pain because I have also felt exactly what you are feeling and have been though the exact same thing. This thread echos my thoughts and feelings that I had during the month of Dec. 2012. If you look at my username it is newBegin2012. You can see why now that it is my username.

That hardest part for me (and perhaps for you) is not really being able to fully understand why. Why? Why? Why? is what constantly ringed in my head. Sometimes in life you just don't know the answers and may never know the answers. Divorce or a breakup can feel like a death to some people. It did to me and I am guessing it does for you. It is heart wrenching because you are losing someone that you truly love. It can hurt so bad.

At this point, you are just going have to endure the pain and hang in there. If she is going to leave the house it will help you to start the healing process because I found it difficult starting the healing process with my wife still living in the house. Especially, when she didn't seem to care and I really did. Having your wife in the house showing she doesn't care is difficult.

For the first year or two its going to suck. Plain and simple. You will have a roller coaster of emotions ranging from sadness, to anger, loneliness. Also you will feel bouts of freedom since you are no longer jumping thru hoops to try to win her love. You will also feel some relief from that and a sense of calm as well.

This is a little premature right now but after a few months of just enduring plain pain. It will be crucial to start setting positive goals for yourself. It will be crucial that you migrate towards positive actions to get yourself back into a healthy and happy life. Like most people say in this forum. Lean on friends, family and try to socialize. Also, try to eat right and maintain some form of exercise. I have also found this forum to be a great asset to help work through your feelings and hurt after the separation. Remember it is ok to feel sad, angry, happy, etc. when you feel like it.

Also, I would not be surprised if you wife started dating. So be prepared for that. Just let the chips fall where they may. It would be a good idea to stop all contact with her as possible outside of the communication you will need to have with regards to the kids. Other than that, just let try not to have contact with her for your own sake.

Your heart is still beating and I am assuming you still have good health. I know you are not religious, but if you do find god someday. He sets paths for us and it is up to us to choose on how we decide to walk down those paths god has put us on. Life is a mystery and sometime feels like it has no meaning. But what other choice do we have to try to succeed and stay alive and enjoy life as much as possible while we are in it. Life is short............

Thank you new beginnings

I'm not ready yet to give up. Although it very well may be me making more of what it is. I still see signs of hope. Last night we shared a bed again. It wasn't even a discussion. I was in bed watching tv and she came to bed. We talked a bit about everyday stuff and said good night. This evening we were invited to my uncles for dinner. She wants to go all 4 of us. I'm not sure why Do I give up or try to be strong through the pain in the hopes my love and devotion will show her a way back? She had to work again today but asked if I wanted to stop by the office later with the kids? There is no affection right now and that still hurts. But most other things are fairly normal. I can't make much sense of it. I just want her back.

Coop was absolutely right when he wrote that the way you'r going about this is going to cause you more pain in the long run. Just yesterday you wrote that she told you there is NO hope. Does your wife have a long history as a liar because you seem to refuse to believe what she tells you. Sleeping in the same bed and pretending that things are normal is preventing you from beginning the healing process. It's not healthy for you. I absolutely understand how you feel. I thought if I acted like the good, loving wife my husband would eventually see the light. All it did was give him the impression that I was weak and pathetic. Not accepting what he told me set me back quite a bit emotionally and financially. I hope that you start taking steps to help your healing soon.

So I give up on everything I believe in. Everything I love? My family my kids my wife? Doesn't seem right to me. Not yet. I want to fight for my wife and family. In the end of it doesn't work I'll know I did everything I can and walk away knowing a tried it all. It's been 6 weeks. I should give up on 10 years we had in just 6 weeks? I believe in her and I believe in us. I want my kids to have a loving family and grow up with stability. It may not happen but how do I not try?? Giving up now is giving up on everything I cherish and everything I belive in. Maybe she had given up. But if there is even an ounce of hope in her. How do I not fight for us. For her and for my family?

ESL12. I feel your pain as I too was/am still willing to fight what I'm starting to think is an uphill battle. I didn't want to give up until our conversation last night when she said she doesn't feel comfortable being home with me and that she emotionally checked out. She said being around me has become awkward. I'm not sure if I'm in a better situation than you as my wife was was very clear (no more false hope for me), where yours seem to not know what she really wants or at least is not being very clear about her feelings. In which might be more destructive to you. Then again, maybe there is hope... Who knows? I think until you are sure that it's over, that you continue to fight for what you feel is worth fighting for....that's just my opinion.
For several weeks your situation and mine were freakingly similar, that was up until last night...

Take care.

You arent the one who "gives up". You just have to be the one to accept they gave up on their own terms which is extremely hard because noone wants to feel the pain and emotions that come from a loss. I do understand your grief and wanting to make it work and doing everything to make it a possibility but sometimes the other person is unwilling to make the same effort and it leaves one hurt and alone in the fight. Hugs

I have another struggle here. Because of all the mixed signals and of course me wanting my marriage so bad. I find myself seeking reasons as to why. Because of this I think I'm over analyzing things and convincing myself of the worst. Like. She had stay a bit late at work and my first thought is. Is she really at work? Or she hanging with someone else? Is this someone else someone at work? She has never lied to me in the past. But recently I'm unsure of it now. I don't truely know where her head is. And it's making falter on my trust. With out trust there is no friendship let alone marriage. I'm just so confused. :(

Sorry i know im venting alot on here.. Its really my safest outlet right now... We shared a bed again last night.. there was no discussion about it, i was in bed again, and after putting our daughter to sleep she came to bed... Is it a sign? No idea...

I also think she may have lied to me yesterday... she had to work and we were supposed to go to my uncles for dinner. Around 330 she texted me i should go with the kids there and she would meet me there... I said i couldn't for another hour she said she would try to wrap up and get home then. about an hour later she again said we should just meet there. At this point im wondering if she is really still at work. So i load up the kids and decided on my way to uncles i was driving past her office... I was just about there when she texted again saying she was leaving the office. I pulled in and saw no cars there.. so at first i thought she left. Now she should have gotten to my uncles before me as she was closer. I get to my uncles and she wasn't there... I texted again saying did you leave, she said yes... I said how did I beat you here.. she said well I left about 4 minutes ago.... I was by her office 15 to 20 min before that. So im starting to wonder if she was lieing... ;o( Might just be me being paranoid and looking for all signs good and bad, or maybe i just missed her car there? Maybe she made a stop for gas or something and didn't mention it? I just dont know... There's good and bad signs, im not sure what to focus on anymore, and im not sure what any of it means.

ESL12...I'm just catching up on this thread again. You had mentioned in #39 about giving up on everything. I'm really so sorry this is happening to you. All I can do is share my experience. I gave up. I did not give up on me. I did not give up on my kids. I did not give up on everything else that is important in my life. I did give up on the marriage. I did a lot of the same things you have been doing trying to show her that her perception is wrong, what a great life we had, how important she and the family was to me, and the lengths I would go through to change myself to whatever would keep everything together. I eventually just became physically and emotionally exhausted. I knew when to throw in the towel. So I gave up on her. It's not what I wanted, it's not how I wanted everything we built on to end up, but I was so tired of bashing my head against the wall with no results. It's hard, it sucks, it's THE worst feeling (though as my therapist said it is not as bad as hearing that your child has incurable cancer). I don't know if anyone suggested the below links but I offer them only as a resource.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180

http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/

Also, you are going to drive yourself into a mental breakdown if now you start worrying about whether she is lying and trying to check up on her. This is a bad rabbit hole to go down. I almost went there. When I discovered stbx was cheating, I went into that mode of trying to catch her in anything. It was maddening so I stopped just to regain my sanity.

I really really feel for you. This is an emotional pain that no one should have to experience, but you can see on this website that it happens, it happens all the time and people eventually get through it. You will get through this. It may not be your desired outcome, then again maybe it will...but you will get through this. Hang in there!!!

My husband just accused me of being with someone the other day. Hes been manipulative and abusive towards me so i try to limit my time around him. I have not been with another man. I choose not to be until i know I can give all of me. Thats just me. But if you feel something is wrong then I would just suggest you search your heart. Your heart never lies but it will support you in every way, be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself and all else will follow :-). Peace to you