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Had Kids, Lost sight of each other

ESL12
ESL12
So, My wife a month ago asked for seperation, i was stunned and crushed... We have still gone to therapy and over the last few weeks she has finally opened up to what she felt as issues. Loss of passion and feeling under my thumb... I started to do some sole searching and research online... Ive discovered a common problem, and one that i believe is text book our issue. 3 years ago we had our first child, life was amazing and our shared focus on our daughter was bliss... Surprise was my second child only 16 months later and in short time frame our world was turned upside down with 2 young kids. We both focused on them and lost sigh of each other. We didn't put anytime in to focus on us, and sex became quick when we had time and routine. ALone time and dates were rare and over time it erroded the perfect marriage we had. For my wife, well she is shutdown, and feels that she tried telling me things were lacking, I dont know if I just didn't hear it, or she didn't explain it right, but there was a miss communication regardless and now she is shut down and im desperate to save our marriage. Our last therapy session i mentioned some of this.. I said rightfully so, we had kids and focused on them and lost sigh of each other. All we need is time and refocus a little of it on us and we can easily restore the wonderful marriage we had. She doesn't seem so sure... Any suggestions on how i can proceed? I know I can't force her, but i wish there was a way i can prove to her things can and will be better. Im commited more then ever to never let this happen again, but i can't do it unless she is willing.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
http://www.bandbacktogether.com/abandonment-resources/

link for you
ESL12
ESL12
I think I may also have feelings of abondoment. My mother died when i was 5... Was never an issue for me, of course it was sad, but her passing with me so young made me a stronger family oriented person. Its certainly now one of the main reasons im so emotional. Im essentially being abandoned by her now, and the loss of my family is kiling me. Its probably why I can't get angry, just sad about this situation.


Another nail in the marriage coffin today... we were supposed to have marriage counseling tonight... last night she said she didnt want to go this week, she has a very busy week at work and she feels like going just stirs the pot. I said ok, asked if she wanted to go next week so I know what to tell the counsler when i call him... she said yes... but clearly our marriage isn't important to her right now and may never be.
ESL12
ESL12
@ Charliegirl - I just read the link, very insightfull, and scary how on the money it seems with her. It also explains a bit of my emotions too. But i think im alot stronger then her in respect to im not pushing her away to protect myself.. im trying to pull her back which is making her run further. im making a concious effort to not do that anymore, its hard, but ive been doing better with it..

What i find difficult in that artlcle is, it mentions to continue to be there for her... Its what ive been doing for the most part, as much as she will let me atleast... but doing this makes it harder on me emotionally. I guess i have to strenghty up and set my emotions aside and continue to be there for her as much as i can, is that your interpitation of this artcle as well?
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I dont think you need to set your emotions aside. I think you need to set time out for yourself every day to restablish a relationship with yourself and nuture your own wounds bbecause I dont feel she is addressing them in any way but you are bending over backwards to reassure her. The article does say to continue to be there but you are so focused on her needs that I feel you have forgotten your own. Its important for you to recognize that you are not at fault and the only thing you can do is be reassuring to yourself. The same treatment applies to you even if you are stronger than her. What do you feel would make you more secure in this situation?
ESL12
ESL12
Im not sure how to answer that... Im a family man.. Nothing is more important to me then my wife and kids... Id do anything for them. making them happy makes me happy... Sure i enjoy other things in life, sports games, movies hanging with friends etc... but there was never any better joy then spending time with my family, laughing and making memories with my wife and kids. I know this is mostly her doing... but i also can't be blind to some of my own faults... Even in that artlce it mentions things that can trigger these shutdowns... and some of those ive made her feel... For that i am to blame... and those are the things i can and will change if I am ever given that opportunity. Right now i dont have it... right now all I can do is give her space and hope she finds her way back... During that time i have to try to not think about her to much... but thats hard to do, she is always on my mind... it will take months if not years to get over her... She is everything to me. My family is everything, id die for them and she is a HUGE part of my family.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I understand being a family man but you are more than just a family man. Just like your wife is more than a wife. There are many roles we play in life. I just think while she is figuring out what she wants that you should be assessing you as an individual. It doesnt require you to stop being a family man. It simply requires you to be an individual as well because despite having families we do have individual needs. By my saying its not your fault...it means that you are not at fault for her abondment issues. She has to address those on her own. You didn't know you were triggering them at the time and I understand your need to fullfill everything for your family unit. I dont think anyone ever wants the family unit to be broken as they meant to be a unit. Hugs to you. I hope you can find security in something when feeling down or hopeless.
gem111
gem111
I don't know ESL.......It took me 20, yes 20 years to figure our I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, make my husband happy if he didn't want to be.
I finally decided to salvage my life by doing things to make ME happy. I got 2 jobs at my kids school, which brought me closer to my kids.
You really need to work on making you happy. I do believe that is what many people are trying to tell you.......You will only say You want to make your family happy. You can NOT make them happy if you are not happy. I really think you are missing a huge important link here. I am at a loss how to explain it
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
You will only say You want to make your family happy. You can NOT make them happy if you are not happy. I really think you are missing a huge important link here. I am at a loss how to explain it

ESL is extremely early in this nightmare. I think he's gonna have to live it to process it. And that ride has just started. To the OP we just don't want to see you suffer unnecessary pain,but sometimes you need to feel it it come to your own resolution. Good luck to you.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
My sistuation is not entirely the same as OP. There are a lot of differences. I Just feel OP should let us support him while he supports someone he truly loves because he is going to need it. That is my sole purpose. Im not a therapist by any means but when someone is down I at least try to make the effort to give them a direction that will help them even if they are not at the point in time where they feel it is good for them.
ESL12
ESL12
I understand I need to focus on my self and my own happiness. I'm just not sure how. I'm not sure where to begin. I'm in a place where I don't want to do the wrong thing and make things worse for my marriage or atleast what's left of it. I really want to find the path to be together. Each passing day it begins to feel more hopeless. I just don't know how to shake these sad feelings. To me I'm loosing everything but the air I breath and although I'm not suicidal and have my kids. I almost feel life isn't worth living without her. I know there will be life after her. But If feels like a death of everything I know and cherish.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Thats just the thing. If someone really wants their freedom for any reason, they will really find any excuse to fulfill that destiny and in my personal inventory of emotions I feel that if she felt abandon at any point by you for any reason then its incredibly difficult for you to convince her otherwise. I personally know you didnt abandon her. Children took priority.
ESL12
ESL12
So this morning, i heard her get into the shower, so I cam up to lay in our bed with my daughter.. She came out of the shower and said good morning and did her thing getting ready for work. She was ready a bit early, so she laid down in bed with us, My arm was under my daughters head sticking straight out, when she layed down only place for my hand was on her arm/shoulder. ( my wifes ) We talked for a good 10 min about her job and what she had to get done today... The entire time i had my hand on her and was even rubbing her shoulder. She didn't say anything, she didn't try to pull away. Although im sure it didn't mean much, It did feel good to lay with her and have some physical touch with her. Ironically early on before seperation all i asked of her was for a lil more quality time.. this morning was a taste of that. I dont know if its what she intended, I dont know if she felt anything by it good or bad... But it was nice. She ultimatly got up and had to go to work, said have a good day and she left.
ESL12
ESL12
Another update... So in an effort to listen to our marriage counsler to keep doing what im doing, and some of the artcles recently read to continue to be there for her... I texted her today asking if she wanted me to pick up some lunch for her.. I said id she was busy i could just drop it off. She responded Sure and asked for a slice of pizza... I told her id let her know when i was at the pizza place. When I finally got there, texted again confirming what she wanted asked if anyone else wanted anything... She said just a slice and a soda, and that we would eat and then she had to head back to her other office ( they are in the middle of moving offices ). I got there, we ate together, BSed for a while, then a few coworkers stopped by we all chatted.. I was there over an hour, It was kinda nice... Then she got called away to do something and she had to go, We said good bye and I left. no hug or anything of that nature, I wasn't expecting it, just mentioning it to give the whole picture. Again, I know this doesn't mean to much.. but nice to spend that time with her. Im not sure how she feels about it, but on the bright side she could have said no, she was to busy.
ESL12
ESL12
Well another odd twist. Tonight she put our daughter to bed. I laid on the couch in the living room waiting to see where she wanted to sleep as we take turns downstairs. She came out and said. She feels bad making me sleep down there three nights in a row but she really wanted to sleep n bed tonight. So she said I could sleep in it too with her as long as I don't take it the wrong way. I was hesitant. My first thought was why bother. It's meaningless. But the. I thought about my daughter coming into bed in the middle of the night and I miss that I also thought that even though it's not really a sign of anything good. I do find some comfort being in bed with her again. It's been 6 weeks in seperate bed till now. Could this mean anything???
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
It just tells me she doesnt feel preasured by you.