Celian

My birthday is this Thursday. I always do a lot of self reflection the week leading to my birthday. I was looking so forward to celebrating this birthday with my SO and my baby..I daydreamed about...

Does Sinza know how so very much her mummy loves her still? I have started praying again..simple basic prayers..before bed..before meals..when i get up in the morning..and at the end of every prayer,...

I have sort of been neglecting updating my journal lately, mostly because I am now writing in my devotional journal book. I thought it might be good to come on here and keep this one up to date...

Slowly by slowly, I am refinding my faith in God. He is slowly turning my eyes a bit more from looking inward at my pain to looking outward, at His wisdom and love. I have to trust Him if I am ever...

I need to keep this journal about honouring Sinza's memory, so today i go back to my assignment of positive thinKing. I will be meditating on the fact that all of her life, Sinza knew of nothing else...

Please don't think I hate you or that I wish what happened to me and Sinza on you and your healthy baby. But man I hate that I am not be like you, happy mother cooing to your baby as you push her in...

Today, I took Sinza some flowers and also tended to her grave (cut away the tall grasses that were around the grave using a pair of scissors). My scissors got blunt after the work, and I was a llitle...

I was re-reading yesterday's journal entry, and I know I said the writer captured my feelings well, and to some extent he did, until i noticed the "we" and "us". In my grief for my daughter, there is...

When I run out of words to describe how I feel, i look to other more linguistically gifted people to verbalize my emotions through their writing. Today its Mark Twain. I'm quoting here from a letter...

so this is what mothers of angel children do instead of breastfeeding, changing diapers, singing lullabies..they cope. What does coping mean to me? I insisted on having a natural birth to bring her...

So I went to my parents house for a family lunch yesterday. My sisters were there too with their kids. The conversations naturally drifted to kids talk, then when I mentioned my child, everybody...

So this is Sinza's story. I met Sinza's dad in 2006, eight years ago, through a work assignment. We immediately hit it off as good friends for about 5 years, then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I...

So instead of writing facebook updates about how so unbelievably cool motherhood is, I am here journaling about stillbirth instead..how the heck did this happen???And ontop of all this, I am expected...