Day one
So instead of writing facebook updates about how so unbelievably cool motherhood is, I am here journaling about stillbirth instead..how the heck did this happen???
And ontop of all this, I am expected to continue living alongside normal people, pretending my level best to act normal like them, wear a normal looking face and not my anguished pain riddled expression, laugh when a joke is told, eat food during lunch break, breath in and then breath out, remember other people's birthdays and call to wish them a happy day ..now i know why some people choose to be recluses, this trying to be normal when you are not is far too much hard work.
Oh, did i forget to say that since my beautiful precious daughter, Sinza, did not get to live outside of my body, I now have the added responsibility of making her life count as well? I have to keep her alive in my heart (whatever that means?) and live a life that honors her, as if living a normal life is not a tall order by itself?
Conclusion is that I need to continually look to God to live through me, coz left to myself, I cant even live- and I mean this literally - God needs to breath a new breath of life into me, i have exhausted the one i got at my birth. So God, if you are reading this: send a girl some help, please!
<a href="http://www.dailystrength.org/people/3973107/goals/168147/honour-sinzas-memory"><img border="0" alt="DailyStrength - Free Online Support Groups" src="http://www.dailystrength.org/components/com_goals/tasks/goal_badge.php/_l/ZzoxNjgxNDd8cDozfGM6Ynx1OjM5NzMxMDd8dDoxMzk2MDY4NjYx"/></a>
And ontop of all this, I am expected to continue living alongside normal people, pretending my level best to act normal like them, wear a normal looking face and not my anguished pain riddled expression, laugh when a joke is told, eat food during lunch break, breath in and then breath out, remember other people's birthdays and call to wish them a happy day ..now i know why some people choose to be recluses, this trying to be normal when you are not is far too much hard work.
Oh, did i forget to say that since my beautiful precious daughter, Sinza, did not get to live outside of my body, I now have the added responsibility of making her life count as well? I have to keep her alive in my heart (whatever that means?) and live a life that honors her, as if living a normal life is not a tall order by itself?
Conclusion is that I need to continually look to God to live through me, coz left to myself, I cant even live- and I mean this literally - God needs to breath a new breath of life into me, i have exhausted the one i got at my birth. So God, if you are reading this: send a girl some help, please!
<a href="http://www.dailystrength.org/people/3973107/goals/168147/honour-sinzas-memory"><img border="0" alt="DailyStrength - Free Online Support Groups" src="http://www.dailystrength.org/components/com_goals/tasks/goal_badge.php/_l/ZzoxNjgxNDd8cDozfGM6Ynx1OjM5NzMxMDd8dDoxMzk2MDY4NjYx"/></a>
Replies
I swear that is the biggest lesson I took from this ordeal; how to be a zombie. You learn to freeze your heart and walk like you\'re ok and even when looking at a sink full of dishes makes you want to throw each and every one at the GD wall and scream until you pass out you take a **DEEP BREATH* and wash them instead.
You have more strength than you know girl. You can survive this. I know it\'s awful and beyond anything you ever thought you could deal with but you are still here and you are right, you need to honor your baby\'s life by living yours for Sinza. She did not get a chance, and you can\'t let the grief and regrets and pain take over yours because she is always going to be a part of you.
All women like us can do is trust God blindly and keep walking on our paths. I believe with my whole heart we will be happy one day and that our babies are someplace where there is no pain for them. We just have to wait for the day that we can see them again, we are the only ones feeling pain because our babies are safe.
My prayers are with you, **Big Hugs**
So well put Sophia\'s Mom. Thank you for the support. We angel baby moms have been given such a tough assignment of continuing to live without our babies here with us. Having someone climbing this same rough mountain, pause in her own walk long enough to reach out her hand and pull you along (like you are doing for me) is beyond words. Sophia and Sinza must be friends up in heaven. I pray for you too. Hugs back, and may God help us all.