The things I hate

Please don't think I hate you or that I wish what happened to me and Sinza on you and your healthy baby. But man I hate that I am not be like you, happy mother cooing to your baby as you push her in the stroller down the street - I literally have to hold my breath in as we walk past each other. And no, giving me your baby to hold wont make me make feel any better, its Sinza that I want, not your sweet child. I hate that I am not still the fully pregnant woman in blissful ignorance of the fact that not all babies are born living, so no, I do not want to sit and plan  for your baby shower over lunch break. I hate that you baby loss mom on my online forum keep saying how you wouldn't have made it without your husband by your side - I want to scream at you and say you bloody well would, had you had no choice! And I hate most of all that every baby loss blog I chose to read turns into one where the mom has a rainbow baby - the point at which I immediately unsubscribe from it. A whole lot of hate for my heart to lug around. So today I pray for love to come into my heart, to give some much needed company to the love I feel for my Sinza.