where I am at 3 months
I have sort of been neglecting updating my journal lately, mostly because I am now writing in my devotional journal book. I thought it might be good to come on here and keep this one up to date too.
The devotional has been mostly useful, helping me to on purpose explore each of my feelings (depression, anger, frustration, fear, despair) and to express them and get them out. This way I don't walk around feeling like I might explode/implode all the time.
I survived the Easter holidays with minimal crying (went home to my parents for Sunday lunch), prepared the guest room for my auntie that is visiting from South Africa, and slept the evening part away. I also had a house guest, Sheila, over the entire time so I wasnt alone.
I haven't seen much of my therapist lately, last met about 3 weeks ago. I guess I don't have anything new to report/talk about.
I had a scare last week when it rained really heavily one night and I suddenly had a compulsive urge to run to the cemetery and cover "her" with my umbrella. I literally had to hold onto my bedposts. Eventually I went and sat in my tiled bathroom (Sinza's grave is tiled on the inside) and assured myself she is as safe and dry as I was, sitting inside my bathroom.
In other news, I wrote to Sinza's dad an email explaining to him the meaning of her names (Her first name is a combination of all her step brothers and sisters names, and her second name means "worship". I guess its another of my efforts at validating her and giving her father memories of her. It seemed to have made an impact coz he called me up last night just to check on me.
Work-wise, I have an upcoming trip to Washington mid next month, so the anticipation of that is also giving me a distraction from my grief.
I also finally received my Sinza memorial bracelet, with her name inscribed on it! I will be going by the cemetery this weekend to show it off to her! This way I will have her on me all the time for all to see, my precious beautiful baby!
The devotional has been mostly useful, helping me to on purpose explore each of my feelings (depression, anger, frustration, fear, despair) and to express them and get them out. This way I don't walk around feeling like I might explode/implode all the time.
I survived the Easter holidays with minimal crying (went home to my parents for Sunday lunch), prepared the guest room for my auntie that is visiting from South Africa, and slept the evening part away. I also had a house guest, Sheila, over the entire time so I wasnt alone.
I haven't seen much of my therapist lately, last met about 3 weeks ago. I guess I don't have anything new to report/talk about.
I had a scare last week when it rained really heavily one night and I suddenly had a compulsive urge to run to the cemetery and cover "her" with my umbrella. I literally had to hold onto my bedposts. Eventually I went and sat in my tiled bathroom (Sinza's grave is tiled on the inside) and assured myself she is as safe and dry as I was, sitting inside my bathroom.
In other news, I wrote to Sinza's dad an email explaining to him the meaning of her names (Her first name is a combination of all her step brothers and sisters names, and her second name means "worship". I guess its another of my efforts at validating her and giving her father memories of her. It seemed to have made an impact coz he called me up last night just to check on me.
Work-wise, I have an upcoming trip to Washington mid next month, so the anticipation of that is also giving me a distraction from my grief.
I also finally received my Sinza memorial bracelet, with her name inscribed on it! I will be going by the cemetery this weekend to show it off to her! This way I will have her on me all the time for all to see, my precious beautiful baby!
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