Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
When he goes away for a few days and all you feel is relief
When you ring him at a time when you know he will be with friends because you don't want to be on the phone with him when he is alone...
When you start to feel sick every Friday because the weekend is coming
When he calls you to the bedroom for a 'chat' and you walk down there saying 'o God, O God' under your breath
When you come out 3 hours later exhausted and feeling shattered again
When your kids tell you what an awful weekend they had because
mum and dad were 'talking' again
When you dread the kids going to bed because at least they provide a 'buffer'. I hate this one the most
When you feel guilty for marrying him because you are such a 'bad
wife'
When he tells you that your friends who support you are as crazy and dysfunctional as you
When you wish one of you would die
When having a terminal disease sounds like something you wouldn't mind too much. When you feel a twinge of jealousy when you hear of someone's death... Now we are getting sick...
I'm still here... haven't left because deep down I still feel it is my fault..
'
Trust, Trust, your instincts. Its telling you something!
When you take all the steps to leave, save money, warn your grown children, apply for a mortgage, get turned down, try another mortgage broker and are successful. Then tell your husband of 30 years you can't take it anymore and are leaving. And you let him talk you out of it because your just too damn scared to strike out on your own and upset everyone. After all the confusion and turmoil. And anger, at myself for chickening out. What the hell is wrong with me, how can I be so weak. I hate it. I hate it. And it def was time to leave 30 plus years ago.
When you hope he is tired enough to fall asleep without pestering you for sex.
When you change what you say or do based on what his reaction will be.
When he won't talk to you, ignores you and never, ever resolves any issue...its time to leave.
When he tells you he can give 150% of his efforts to his job and 100% of his efforts to his friends and tells you not to even expect his help at home with anything....time to leave.
When the whole entire world revolves around him and he puts his wife and two kids at the bottom of his priority list, it is definitely time to leave.
You just need to stand tall and do it.
When you dread doing anything WITH him for the same reason, it always has to be done his way..
When you have forgotten who you are, what you like to do and how you like to do it....
When you are sick and tired of feeling like an idiot around him...
When he makes you upset and you don't call him for a week and when you do, he gets mad at you for ignoring him, it's time to leave.
When you no longer know what a normal relationship is, it's time to leave.
Why didn't I leave when this happened 2 years ago?