Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
I may not have as much money, but what I have is mine. I may not have as big a house, but what I have is decorated to my tastes. Even tho it doesn't have nearly as many windows as my old house, it is filled with so much more light.
I am no longer isolated and friendless. I have new, wonderful healthy friends who treat me with love & respect. I belong to several interesting & diverse groups. I am broadening my educational, emotional & spiritual horizons.
None of this would have been possible if I hadn't left. It didn't happen over night. It wasn't easy. I went thru the pain & withdrawals of missing him and what I thought/wished we had. I started & broke no contact countless times. I cried a lot. Some days I couldn't find one thing for which to be grateful - not even that I woke up that morning. I went thru all the stages of grief...more than once and some at the same time. And for a long time I was terrified I wouldn't make it on my own.
I went thru a couple of therapists until I found the right one. It took 3 yrs of intense and not so fun therapy to get where I am now. I was in & out for therapy for most of my marriage, thinking there was something wrong w/me but unable to make any real long lasting changes. Once I got out of that toxic environment, the changes became easier and long lasting.
And it all started here on DS w/the support of many great people. I am deeply grateful to all those who supported me then and now.
We all deserve a joy-filled, peaceful life. Leaving was so worth it!
I would only add: It's time to leave when you feel you're putting forth most if not ALL the effort to "make it work" but still get blamed, told you're "crazy, need help"; your feeling are ignored; you know you deserve better; double standards, lies etc.
I just learned that once again sadly...but thank you for sharing and getting away....
My ex forced me to leave the pool with my friends to come and clean the house. HIS MESS. Because "you're the woman, this is your job"
When you dread your phone ringing but are afraid to not answer it when it does.
When you are blamed for things that you know are 100% not your fault.
When the thought of spending a weekend alone with them is something you dread and are terrified of.
I've been free for 2 years, now, and it's been rough -- I love my ex to this day (I've been diagnosed with Stockholmes Syndrome, not sure if I spelled that correctly).
Physically, I've gotten sicker since I left. Doctors in different cities and towns don't like to treat new patients, and I was feeling sooooo down,. anyway, I didn't make much of an effort to get medical treatment. I'm back in my hometown and getting treatment for a bleeding gall bladder that needs to be removed, problems in my throat, caused by smoking -- excessively for a couple of years, there -- have put me at a high risk for getting cancer of the throat, a recent doctor told me. I need vitamin B 12 injections and my hair is painful and irritating to my skin. My arthritus pain is worse than ever from pushing myself in my wheelchair all over the place, while I bounced from city to city, town to town, seeing if I could make a better go of it than the last place I was in.
Yep, I sure as heck wish I'd gone with my gut-instinct. I could have spared myself a whole mess of problems.
ITS TIME TO LEAVE :(
I too knew it was time to leave when I locked myself in the bathroom or closet and tired to hide my crying so he wouldn't find me.
When he screamed at me or hit me and seemed like he enjoyed it, it's time to leave. When he broke every remote in the house, it is time to leave. When he destroyed my jewelery the first time, it was time to leave. When he threw a water pipe at me in the yard, it was time to leave.
When I prayed that God would take me home, it was time to leave.