Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
Inner child work for me..
Navy Seal then Bodyguard then maybe "The Good Parent" who plays along side the little girl while also gently guiding and protecting. ?
It's a sunny summer day. He comes in from mowing the grass. The verbal attack is vicious. I'm curled up in a fetal position on teh dining room floor asking him, begging him, crying so hard ... please stop, please stop. I keep repeating, 'I just want you to love me." He keeps yelling at me, tells me he's not yelling that I'm imagining things and I'm over reacting. that somehting is obviously wrong wtih me.
Each time, then, I believed that I'm too sensitive and bad at communication. I believed I could be tougher and not cry next time.
I SHOULD HAVE LEFT.
It's time to leave when his 'jokes' make you cry. And, he won't stop.
It's time to leave when he sets weird rules, like sex every other day or else. And the 'or else' really hurts.
It's time to leave when he tells you how to walk because you're doing it wrong.
It's time to leave when he coaches your conversations at parties, because you need the help and he's trying to help you.
It's time to leave when you find yourself yelling, "I wish you were dead. I wish you were dead." because you can't take it anymore.
It's time to leave when the psychiatrist keeps drugging you,but he's the sick one.
It's time to leave when your 8 year old experiences the same abuse and complains that life is no fun and not worth living.
It's time to leave when he calls a five-year-old a f--ing baby. And, leaves him on
a ski mountain until mom gets there.
Everyone did such a GREAT JOB with the lists.
Really helped me remember.
I am SOOOO doing the right thing.
The verbal attack is vicious. I'm curled up in a fetal position on teh dining room floor asking him, begging him, crying so hard ... please stop, please stop. I keep repeating, 'I just want you to love me." He keeps yelling at me, tells me he's not yelling that I'm imagining things and I'm over reacting. that somehting is obviously wrong wtih me.
Each time, then, I believed that I'm too sensitive and bad at communication. I believed I could be tougher and not cry next time. "
been there
I have been there
(((hugs hugs hugs)))
Its time to leave when the unmedicated schizophrenic who lives in the park across the street gives sermons during the night, but disappears after the sociopath swears he's "gonna put that mutant out of his misery".
I am so moved by the original post and the reply posts.
Its time to leave when he has a pliers in one hand and grabs your hand with a force that will break it if you don't submit, and breaks the setting of your engagement ring and takes the diamond from it.
It's time to leave when he tells you he has no money, and you have no oven, no dishwasher, the house walls are covered with soot inside from a basement fire, there is no liveable furniture left in the house, and you find a bank statement with $100,000 in it.
It's time to leave when he makes your son hysterical in order to get you to do what he wants, and then proudly announces to your son, "See what a little pressure can do".
It's time to leave when he fixes the plumbing so you don't have hot water for a shower, and then tells you "keep it up, you won't have any water at all tomorrow."
Thank God I am free of that fucking asshole.
It's time to leave when he verbally abuses other people in public and you freeze-- you don't know how to handle the situation even though you are so humiliated.
It's time to leave when he physically punishes your dog, and seems to relish doing so.
It's time to leave when he tells you, 'You never support me on anything."
It's time to leave when he tells you he doesn't like being around your family.
It's time to leave when he goads you into being like him-- when he tells you, "you don't discipline the dog like I do," and insists you yell and scream at the dog. When he insists you back him up on his arguments with the neighbor. When he wants you to stoop to his behavior, and you know it's wrong but you do anyway, it's time to leave.
It's time to leave when the only reason you're still with him is that you feel sorry for him.
When he admits he's a loosey husband and father, but won't do anything about it, yep time to go.
When he blames your children's childish behavior on his tantrums, it's time to go.
I stood up for myself this evening, and kicked him out for a week until his appointment with our pastor. I'm hoping the lession sticks.
I am in shock and pain right now trying to figure out what to do next. Ive kicked him out but we dont go over a week without having sex. Maybe if i kept the list of all the ones he does do in my face all day it would be easier.
Hes getting help, but the psychotherapist went from seeing just him to seeing us together and i dont think thats whats needed.
OI WHAT NOW!!
I guess I'm stuck in the cycle... So hard to get out...
When he talks your teenage son into telling you the black eye he got in b'ball practice was a result of his father hitting him (as a joke), it's time to leave.
When he abuses your pets and thinks its funny, its time to leave.
When he makes a wooden paddle, complete with finger grips and tells you to use it on your children because having to go get the paddle will 'calm you down and give the kids time to think about what they did and anticipate their punishment' , its TIME TO LEAVE.
(BTW, I handed it back to him.)
that last one is a trigger for me