Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
After 30 years of marriage with someone like that I "woke up" and have been battling him like never before. I am ready to give up because he refuses to acknowledge doing anything wrong or get any help, and nothing changes, nor will it.
(((hugs)))
When you think about divorce and you feel sorry for him because leaving will crush him.... but you don't feel sorry for you.
That's a sign.
Then, I read this and remembered that it's not me it's HIM!!!
It's time to leave when he has you believing that you are the one with the problem, and that he is happy, so it's all good.
It's time to leave when he makes fun of you and when you tell him to stop, he tells you to lighten up.
It's time to leave when you ask him not to sneeze on you purposefully, and he flat out tells you NO. (who does that?!)
It's time to leave when your children are just as confused about your husband's actions as you are.
It's time to leave when your husband tells you that you shouldn't go back to work because we won't qualify for as many free programs and he makes more money anyway.
...when he tells you you shouldn't go back to school because of the cost, but he still doesn't want you to get a job.
...when he refuses to be pleased about anything.
...when his life, sports, job, hobbies, friends, become more important than your basic emotional needs.
...when your wants take a back burner to pretty much everything else in our lives.
...when he breaks his promises, especially in terms of your marriage.
...when you can't even approach him about your needs and feelings without him turning it back around to him, and his needs.
...when even your children ask you why he acts like he does.
...when he uses money, or guilt, or emotions, or manipulation to control you or "keep you in line", because he is "just trying to help"
I think I had my lights on moment, HE IS A LIAR. You were right MTC, they are liars. I can't believe this I am still in shock, mad, rage,all I can think of what a F*)(*)(*)(* LIAR>!!!
It just keeps happening, over and over and over again, it's neverending. The triangulation, the lies, the deceit, I am moving on.
I am officially no contact today, and going to make it through today.
It is still better than living in a house like a stranger. Some people like my ex-wife really don't care about anyone but themselves.
Tragic that it took me 8 years to wake up and move out. There is no loneliness as difficult as being lonely in a house full of people.
That's when it's time to leave. I am glad I did.