Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
So I should have left 6 years ago, right after our first son was born, and he physically abused our dog for the first time...?
wow, just wow... How did I get to this point in my life???
Walking out the door but so afraid to, is the hard part for me.
When he hits you and says he'll never do it again it's time to leave
When he lifts your crawling baby off the floor with the toe of his boot it's time to leave
When he hits you on the legs with a hammer but you tell the doctor you bumped into the door because you're too scared to tell him it's time to leave
When he tells you he had sex with someone in the toilet of a nightclub it's time to leave
When you try and try and try and try and try and try to be what he wants it's time to leave
When he tells people in front of you that women who let men hit them deserve it because they are pathetic it's time to leave
When he's into cross dressing and wants you to dominate him and beat him and you hate it but he won't stop nagging so you do it and feel sick it's time to leave
When you pray for friends or family to visit all the time because that's the only time you feel safe but then you're terrified they'll find out you're a weakling who'll accept whatever he dishes out it's time to leave
When you can't understand why other people are special enough to have his respect when you're his wife that he says he loves but he acts like he hates you it's time to leave
When you have so little money you budget for things to the penny but he thinks it's ok to take money from your purse without asking because he's the one who earned it it's time to leave
When there is absolutely nothing left about him that you even like but you're too frightened to leave it's time to leave
When his smell makes your stomach heave it's time to leave
When the only way you can cope is to feel nothing it's time to leave
When he stays out from Friday morning til Sunday night and you're so relieved that you don't care where he is or who he's with because you can have a lovely weekend with your children it's time to leave
When you do all the DIY in the unheated place you try to make a home and he never notices it's time to leave
When you can't bear to look at him it's time to leave
When you have to wait for him to leave it's time to leave
He finally left me when he found someone else nearly 30 years ago after 12 years together. I was 28. I never found the strength to leave him. I'm angry that I was too weak to leave him. But when he left I took my children back to live at my parent's house and I was as happy as I could be. I went out and enjoyed myself with men. I lived with someone else for 13 years after that but I'd been pretty badly affected and that didn't work either. So now I accept that I'm not cut out to live with anyone again so I'm with someone now but we don't live together. He destroyed my ability to show my feelings in relationships.
He died suddenly earlier this year and my first thought was that there is justice in this world and for the first time ever I thought there might be a God up there. I felt released and that at last he was gone
I never had counselling for what I lived with, but reliving this has made me think it might still be a good thing
When you start to panic because it's been 20 mins and you forgot to message him, it's time to leave.
When you feel guilty about watching a movie, taking a shower, taking care of the kids, cleaning, or do anything other than giving him attention. it's time to leave.
When you tell him your son was fussing and that's why you were too busy to talk when really you were researching things like abuse, co-dependency, narcissim, and sociopaths, it's time to leave.
When you always feel the need to rush home, it's time to leave.
When you stop even attempting to hang out with your friends because the guilt and consequences are too much, it's time to leave.
When you get frustrated that your 2 month old is still up and you know he wants sex, it's time to leave.
When you feel uncomfortable using the phone or computer in his presence, it's time to leave.
When you feel like you are loosing your mind, it's time to leave.
When you HAVE to constantly tell him you love him, there is no one else, and you only want to be with him, it's time to leave.
When he asks you what's wrong and you lie tell him you are tired but you are really just sad, it's time to leave.
When you wonder how he will respond to anything you do, it's time to leave.
I was at those two points right before I left.
I am okay for the moment because I see that my reasons are similar to other people's reasons. It is not just me.....
I am going to write my own list ---- although I must admit that a few of you have made excellent lists for me all ready! and thank you1!!!! I see it a little better now.
I can leave because he hurt me repeatedly with out honoring my request to stop and had no remorse...
And once I left he told me "I didn't know it was important to listen to you!" It is time to leave.....
I love this post!!!! It gives me strength!
Thank you!
When he accuses you of staring at his 13 year old son's crotch and seems jealous, it's time to leave.
When he makes up proof of you cheating or questions normal behavior as signs of cheating, it's time to leave.
When you aren't allowed to have members of the opposite sex as friends on facebook but he has 400+, it's time to leave.
When he has inappropriate sexually conversations with other women and shrugs it off as harmless flirting yet you can't even talk to other men, it's time to leave.
When he wants to make children but then rarely lifts a finger to take care of them, it's time to leave.
When he gets himself so worked up because he thinks you are cheating that he makes himself vomit, it's time to leave.
When all sorts of signs point to cheating but he won't admit anything, it's time to leave.
When you were once independent, had a great job, good credit, your own bank account, and your own place and shortly after meeting him you LOSE EVERYTHING making you completely dependent on him, it's time to leave.
And here are some early ones I should have paid attention to, I now know these are MAJOR red flags.
If he "love bombs", showers you with attention, and tells you you are his soulmate, it's time to run.
When he talks about marriage after only a couple of months of dating, it's time to run.
When he wants to try for a baby within a few weeks of dating, it's time to run.
When he has to have constant contact with you, texting 4K times in one month, and calling all the time, it's time to run.
When he suggests you quit your job without another one lined up and promises to "take care of you", it's time to run.