Sorry for the trigger...

I would also like to add (sorry if it is already in here somewhere)

When he deprives you of sleep, like pushing you out of bed if you fall asleep, it's time to leave. My ex did that.

When you feel more alone and insecure with him than without, it's time to leave

Here, here!

You know why it's hard to end it. He doesn't abuse animals, is kind to them. He is a good father to our kids. He is just a rotten, lousy dysfunctional person in a relationship. So, not all of his personality is horrible. I'm the only person on the planet of this earth, I swear to god, that he abuses. So, if and when I leave for good, who is the one that is gonna look like it was all in her mind. I deserved it, cause he is a pretty decent guy. Most ppl like him. So, it's me.

Good article though. Pretty much is accurate.

Here's a few of mine. Gawd, ladies I can relate to so many of these and yet I continued to stay and stay and still to this day, even now that I've been away from him for 4 months I'm questioning the severity of his treatment of me and wondering if I should give him another chance! I think I really am very much screwed up in the head.

When you end up apologizing after confronting him about something he did or said that hurt you, its time to leave.

When you feel disgusted while having sex with him and dirty afterward, its time to leave.

When he comes home from work and gives the kids hugs and kisses and attention and then walks past you like you werent there, its time to leave.

When you beg and cry and plead for them to talk to you and then you watch the clock and minutes tick away before you finally give up because hes completely ignoring you, its time to leave.

When you secretly hope that he wont be coming home from a business trip, its time to leave.

When you agonize over spending extra money for treats for the kids because youre afraid hell get mad at you for spending too much money.

When youre constantly wondering and honestly dont know what you could have done or said to make him mad at you, again, its time to leave.

When you race home from anywhere so that he wont be mad at you for being late, its time to leave.

When he tells you that there is no money for you to see a doctor if youre sick and then goes and buys a 12 pack of beer its time to leave.

When you suggest that you could start a Christmas fund in Jan. so that by Dec. youll have money for presents and he tells you that we dont have any money. Then at Christmas time he tells you that you should have saved some money b/c now we dont have any money for Christmas, its time to leave.

When he tells you that an anniversary is not big deal and its just an ordinary day and that we have been tricked by advertisers into thinking its a special day so that we can spend money and then the next year gets angry and hurt that you didn't buy him anything, its time to leave.

When he drops you and your overnight bag off at the front door of the hospital and leaves you there alone to have his child, its time to leave.

When he jokes and makes fun of you whenever you mess anything up, its time to leave.

When you stop asking for his help because you know that if you do hell help even less, its time to leave.

I could go on and on and on and it's sad that even after all of this and so much more I've stayed. What is my problem. I don't understand why I have overlooked so much. What will it take to finally convince me that I have to make that FINAL break from him????

As for crying on the bathroom floor? I've been there soooo many times. I remember being 6 mo. pregnant (first time) and we went for a weekend getaway. After dinner, he yelled at me to give him directions back to the hotel and I was so upset. He yelled at me then ignored me then went to sleep and left me crying on the bathroom floor in the hotel. Then in the morning acted like nothing happened. So...very....sad.

When he is mad at you and you say, "I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you mad.".... time to leave.

All I can say is "wow'.

WOW!

So many of these are MY life.
I joined this group about a week ago but haven't posted yet. I only discovered a few days before that - that the craziness and hell I have been living through for the past 8 years IS emotional abuse. Many times over the years I've thought about leaving, thinking I just couldn't take it anymore. But things would always calm down til the next time. I never could figure out why the rules would change from day to day. Never could figure out why everything was turned around on me. Never could figure out how he was the life of the party around all his friends and buddies until the party was over - then when it was just me he turned into some evil bastard. Or if I chose not to hang out with him and his friends, what an anti-social, rude bitch I was. Never could figure out why he was such an attention-monger, always looking for praise and an ego boost. Never could figure out why he would usually have a job for a couple of months (the longest he's held one is 9 months) and then not find another one for 5 or 6 months on average..... and always quit because of all these bad companies, or bad equipment or didn't pay him.... Never could figure out why he has to tell a lie every time he opens his mouth. Never could figure out why during EVERY argument, or anytime one of his kids did something wrong, or if I ever commented negatively on anything he did, he would always turn it into a huge 45 minute rampage of jumping up and down, carrying on about how awful my daughter is (and she's not. she's not perfect, but she's a good kid and she's my baby even though she's 18 now and has had to be a part of his crap for far too long). And thinking back now before I got internet-savvy, I went to see a shrink about 5 years ago b/c I felt depressed. After talking to him he told me it was my husband, that he sounded like he was passive-aggressive and that I needed to pack up and leave! Instead, I got angry for him telling me this when he didn't even know him (me not knowing what passive-aggressive was either) and why would he want me to end my marriage? I never went back because of that, but oh how I wish now that I had.

He tells me he loves me all the time, often he tells me I'm the best wife he could have ever had. Of course something can set him off 2 minutes later and I hear how awful I am, what a bad mother I am raising my kid the way I have, telling me I'm hearless and all kinds of other horrible things. I used to cry a lot too. But lately I feel more like my heart is turning black, that there is nothing left for me, my life has been HIS and everything HE wants. The way he has always manipulated me into doing what HE wants and never getting anything I want amazes me. And if I ever go out and get anything I want, that's just wonderful - until he gets angry about something then it's thrown in my face like I never deserved it. How he can be so hateful and his words feel like knives, and then later charm me (and sometimes apologize), and other times act as if nothing happened and why am I so upset and overreacting? Never could figure out why (back a few times when we've actually had any money to do anything) we would plan to take off for a couple of days, just the two of us, and "BOOM" up pops his kids so it would either be a family outing or we wouldn't do anything - only later to find out that HE asked his kids to come then - it wasn't the hateful ex-wife dumping them off. Never could figure out why we've never been to dinner together in the evening, after I have begged for years - only reason I could ever come up with is that it cut into his beer time.

I'm sorry I know I'm rambling and not sticking with the "time to leave" format, but this just feels so good to get it out to people who understand and know what I'm going through. There are sooooo many things I feel like I want to say and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I never dreamed I would have been through turmoil and problems and controversy on a daily basis like I have been living with him. I know its past time to leave but I'm having a hard time doing it, like I'm betraying him or something while I'm planning my escape. And I feel like that would make me a bad person. I know he'll be telling everyone he knows some kind of awful lie about why I left, which at this point, it really doesn't matter anymore. Even though I need help figuring out how to do it, YES, I know it's time to leave.

All so true, so very true. An amazing number of them were true for me. Just a few personal ones, and forgive me if some are repeats or half repeats of what others have said:

When he picks up the puppy and throws it against a wall because it peed on the parquetry again, it's time to leave.

The first time you realise you have no choice in whether to have sex or not, it's time to leave.

The first time you catch him out in a significant lie, it's time to leave.

When you find yourself hoping the baby will go to sleep early tonight so you can go to bed - not because you're tired, but to get away.

When you find yourself feigning sleep when he comes to bed, hoping and praying he will fall for it, and that he will not decide to "wake" you.

When he takes money for gambling, then makes you feel guilty because he used it to buy a present for you, which he's not going to show you because you're right, we can't afford it so he'll take it back - but the money never makes it's way back to the account, it's time to leave.

When you want to talk to him when you are 7 months pregnant with your first child and afraid of all that entails, and he tells you that an on line "friend" is his number one priority right now, it's time to leave.

When you have to drive yourself to hospital in pre-labour to be induced, because he is too busy playing computer games and chatting to his on line "friend" to come with you, it's time to leave.

When he does arrive at the hospital and you beg him (in full labour) to talk to you, just so you can hear his voice, and he says "why" and goes back to playing with his phone, it's past time he was no longer there.

I totally agree with the first time he hurts you - never, ever, ever let him do that again and he WILL do it again, and it WILL get worse. And it is NEVER EVER EVER EVER your fault. No matter what.

I have also spent far too much time curled up in tears on the floor, hiding in a room with the lights off so he won't find me, etc etc etc.

Thank you to all for your posts on this - let's also think of and hope for those who are not reading this, those who still think they are the one who is wrong, stupid, irrational, overreacting etc, those who still think he's right about them.

How many times I've read the crying on the floor begging for love story. OMG ... why do we think it's our fault ... that if we could just be good enough to be loved.

Why is the crying on the floor story so big?! That's what I hate most about my life. That I was crying on the floor and he was still yelling. Or that I was crying on teh floor in the dark with my body rebelling and betraying me.

when he asks whats wrong, chastizes you for having to drag it out of you for two days, then proceeds to tell you your feelings are silly, then completely shuts down. Its Time To Leave

When he sees you crying, trying to reach out, and hears you say "lets not fight anymore" and he ignores it, continues to act the victim, and continues to punish you throughout the day. Its Time to Leave

When hes says inappopriate sexual/ derogatory comments, and innappropriately touches you in front of the children. Its time to Leave

When you start self injuring yourself to feel whats in your head. Its time to Leave

When you cringe everytime he opens his mouth, or when he tells you "dont tell my mother Im playing poker", or when he tries to buy you off with gifts

When he keeps tabs on where you been, how much you spent and brings it up to you just to show he knows

For joely35...my ex of 2 years still tells me at least once a week "if that's what is going on in your head!"...
Bullcrap! They love nothing more than making us feel insane.
No one could see it in my life either, but that just means the abuser is REALLY good at what he does. They fool, they charm, they lie, they put on the best face to the outside world, but to us they are monsters, and let me assure you, it is not in "our minds"...they are nightmares and I am proud of myself for leaving and anyone who does not believe me...well, they can kiss a special part of me.
Don't ever listen to a man tell you your perceptions or proven experiences are "all in your head"...
Known & favorite tactic of Narcissists.
Best of luck to you.

*** If a man tells you "whatever is going on in your mind"....it's time to leave.

When you feel bad about yourself in a situation no matter how hard you try to be "good".

Leave.

billi

I have just joined this group and am so moved by what has been written. Brilliant!
Most of my relationships have been with emotionally abusive men. My own daughter has been emotionally abusing me for 13 years until I have had enough.
When someone makes you feel uncertain of yourself, it's time to leave
When someone makes you feel confused and worthless, it's time to leave
When someone lies to you, it's time to leave
When someone gives you mixed messages, it's time to leave.
When someone with holds sex and affection, it's time to leave.
.
I'll leave it there for the moment!

Sorry just had to add another one

When someone behaves like an experimenter in a laboratory where you are the rat driven into a neurotic state never knowing whether you've got it right or wrong, it's time to leave

great list, i agree. this helped me feel a little stronger and better about leaving and staying a way from my ex. thank u!