Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
I am glad that it helped you too.
Thanks all of you.
When he gets upset with you for going to bed, because of a migraine, and when he comes to bed and says good night and doesn't get a response back and HE gets mad.....time to leave
When he accuses you of taking something very special to him, and you never, and you have witnesses, and then says that he found it in your apartment.....time to leave
When he calls you "weird" because you tell him that his "jokes" of killing you are threatening to you.....time to leave
When he tries to manipulate the situation by saying that he sent a semen detecting sample away to prove that you were cheating, and you both know he's lying, and you call him on the lie, and he doesn't even care.......time to leave
When he CONSTANTLY accuses you of cheating......time to leave
When he says that you need psychiatric help or meds to deal with things.....time to leave
When he says he understands about you not being able to be intimate with him right now, and he still expects it......time to leave
When he says that he will bury you, if you try and "play dirty" by getting a lawyer, to get what you are rightfully entitled to......take the chance, and leave, because chances are.....he can't
When he is, literally, 3 inches from your face and shoving his finger at you and yelling......time to leave
When the name calling just isn't stopping.....time to leave
When he can be so mean and nasty one minute and then expect everything to be fine the next and then expect sex.......time to leave
When everyone thinks that he is just the sweetest, nicest person, but you know the truth.....time to leave
When you hate going home.....time to leave
When your little boy says that he is a bully......time to leave
When your little boy, picks up a picture of him and you, and you are smiling and happy, before your partner was in your life, and says "mommy, you're not like this anymore".......time to leave
When you finally realize that your son/children, and you are more important than anything else in this world........time to leave
when he won't touch you after you have given birth to his child and makes you sleep in another room, it's time to leave
I wanted to add a new direction
It's time to leave ...
When all you talk about is your relationship.
When all you think about is your relationship.
When you start saying things like 'I just want to be loved.'
When you don't recognize yourself.
When you cry A LOT.
When you appreciate any little crumb.
When you start swearing at him or saying mean things to him.
When you lie to avoid his rage.
When you teach your children "safe" behaviors to avoid his rage.
When you want more than the treatment you receive.
When you know you're lovable.
When you want to enjoy life more. When you want to have fun.
When you want to be!
ugh
this one breaks my heart.
Sadly I must add others...
When you feel you're unlovable, it's time to leave.
When you don't think you can make it on your own, it's time to leave
When you suddenly realize that you have no friends left, it's time to leave
When he continually chooses (fill in the blank) over you, it's time to leave
When we think any ONE of the hundreds of things listed here, IT'S PAST TIME TO LEAVE
I am praying for the blessing of complete safety & healing for each and every one of us...
When you turn off the TV when he comes home because you are concerned about his reaction if he catches you 'doing nothing'... time to leave.
When you are at a bar and he leaves you sitting by yourself while he is flirting and dancing with other girls... time to leave.
When he doesn't believe you when you tell him the old man neighbor is masturbating in plain sight while watching you pull weeds... time to leave.
When you videotape the old man neighbor doing this and show him the video and he does not want to press charges or report it (because they are such good neighbors)... time to leave.
When he tries to get you to pick-up on other women so he can have a threesome... time to leave.
When he gets mad at you for getting mad... time to leave.
When he tells his son over and over - don't ever get involved with women, they will just screw up your life... time to leave.
I am not alone. I want to wake it up some more....
When your 17 year old daughter says, "So why DID you marry him mom?"
When you want to have a few drinks or take a Tylonol PM every night just so you can sleep next to him....
When you wish he would hit you or have an affair so you don't feel guilty for leaving.
More to come.....
So:
It's time to leave after someone has hurt you three times. Here's my formula:
Hurts me once ------ I say: Gosh. Maybe you're having a bad day, but I need you to know that what you just did really hurt me.
Hurts me twice ----- I say: Hmmmm. I remember talking with you about this before when (fill in the circumstances) ----- and here, you've done it again (or done something so similarly disrespectful). The first time may have been by accident (probably wasn't but I give them that one). The second one, you already knew that you were hurting me and I'd asked you not to repeat it. Do now ----- don't do it again.
Hurts me third time ------ I say: See ya.