Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
When he looks you dead in the face and tells you, "I really just want to punch you right now", it's time to leave.
When he wakes you up out of a sound sleep at 3am amd starts cursing you out because a) it's too hot in the room, b) you move around too much c)you made too much noise getting out of bed and going to the bathroom, or d) HE JUST CAN'T SLEEP, it is SO time to leave.
When you only have sex 3 times a year it's DEFINITELY time to leave.
When he starts calling you names during arguments instead of being logical, it's time to leave.
I really did put up with a LOT in a four-year timespan. I don't blame it all on him, but I tell ya I'll NEVER be sorry I left. Thanks for helping me remember.
when you are driving home from work and you start hoping he's drunk by the time you get home (and it's a mellow drunk) so that he will leave you alone....it's time to leave.
when you get kicked/smacked and the excuse is.."I didn't know your leg was there..or you're overreacting..I'm just joking"...it's time to leave.
when he's 30 years old and still pees sitting down because that's "how my mom taught me" or continually allows his mother to call every other night at dinner time because "he doesn't want to make her mad"...it's time to leave.
when he's out back smoking weed with his brother and father, or when his brother sends a FedEx package full of weed to your home without your knowledge (because I would have said NO!)..its time to leave.
when he starts punching the bed and screaming at you when his coked up friends are downstairs jumping on the couches and he can't fall asleep, but he won't confront them...it's time to leave.
when he tells you he is going to commit suicide when you tell him that you have finally had enough and are going to leave...it's time to leave.
when he's been sober for one week and throws things at you and tells you that you are "cold and heartless" for not appreciating the changes he has made...it's time to leave.
when you realize that when you look at him, you either are thinking about how much you hate him, or trying to justify why you are with him, its time to leave.
when you realize how emotionally indifferent you are to him because you are attracted to someone else who actually supports you and you suddenly realize..."oh my gosh...I am on the verge of having an affair.." it's time to leave.
when he tells you he can't stand the fact that you are a successful career woman...it's time to leave.
I could keep going. My gosh...this is the best thread ever.
Come on, ladies! We are strong, beautiful women...this post is EMPOWERING!
I hope that this will serve as a reminder to those of us who are out or in process of getting out that we did/are doing the right thing.
And I hope that anyone who may feel just one of the ways mentioned here will take heart and realize:
You (yes, YOU) deserve so much better. YOU deserve a life of love and peace. And I pray that you find your own path to a full, joyful and peace-filled life.
Our life is nothing short of total chaos/apathy.
I prayed this morning before we talked. The talk did not work so well. I explained to him no matter what happens, I will win...I picked the wrong word with "win". I am getting my life in order. Attending CoDA meetings, going to Church and bringing God back into my life.
During the discussion this morning, he kept on about all the bad things I do. I finally said it works both ways. As he stands up to leave "what exactly is it I do that turns you off? Love has to be earned!" I told him so does respect. "Why don't you respect me?" I reminded him of the time he hurt me during sex and I told him to stop. His comment? "I'm not done yet!" He then tells me I picked "one little incident". I told him that was not a "little incident!"
I told him I have humiliated myself to try and make him happy. I won't do it anymore.
The interesting thing? I was not upset this morning; his words and actions did not upset me. Why? Because I have God on my side; because I deserve better. He is sick and does not realize it. I am not responsible for his thoughts or feelings; he chooses not to own them, I can't help him. I will no longer allow him to manipulate me; I will no longer be silent.
I am on the path to recovery.
All the lists of things that tell you its time to leave? I can honestly say I should have left quite some time ago...I knew that then, but I felt sorry for the scared little boy hiding inside him. I no longer feel sorry for him. I feel pity and say prayers that he can one day face his demons. For me? I am facing mine and won't be around when and if he ever faces his.
Thank you all for the lists you made above.
One day at a time!
Love is NOT earned, it's freely given, otherwise it is not love.
I know you know that, but I think it is very important to re-emphasize this for all who read this thread.
You are a strong & courageous woman and I have every confidence that you will find your way to peace & joy.
Hugs to all!!!
If the only time it's OK to leave the house is to go to work or have lunch with your beloved grandmother twice a month, It's time to leave!
If he ever threatens to murder your parents if you don't come back after he throws you out, Don't go back! Leave and stay that way!
If you have to ask permission from him to do normal everyday things, like go to the bathroom, or anything for that matter, Time to leave!
If you find yourself hiding food so you can eat. Leave!
When you find yourself on the floor of the bathroom, in total spirtual crisis, asking God for divine intervention or death. The very first time it happens, it's time to leave!
I was on that bathroom floor making those very prayers...and I stayed...another 5 YEARS!!!
That's why I wanted to emphasise The very first time.
A very dark place to be.
We just don't realize what's happening until we get in so deep we enmeshed, feeling lost and alone, & we are afraid there's no way out. I stayed 36 yrs & it was another 3 yrs until the divorce was final. So we hold on, hoping for the impossible. We must not beat ourselves up for not leaving sooner.
Instead, we arm ourselves w/knowledge. Knowledge is power. And we start paying attention to our inner voices.
If anyone feels just one of these things and you 'feel' a red flag or a gut reaction or your intuition kicks in...PAY ATTENTION - do NOT brush is aside. Your inner voice / intuition / gut instinct / sixth sense; whatever you want to call it, is NEVER EVER WRONG.
I AM SO SAD
she stayed for 5 more years of that.
I wish I could reach through time to hug her there on the floor.
We wont get those years back, but we can give ourselves the understanding, the tenderness that we were so lacking in those times.
True, This is the best!
I might want to copy all this for my daughters...
worry worry worry
Thanks for the continued support!
Peace and Blessings to all...
I was reading Betrayal Bonds and there was an exercise in the back that takes you on a journey and you imagine a 5 year old (that girl is you) in that trauma, and you pick her up and hold her, and you protect her, and you tell her its okay. Then you take her hand and take her to a meadow and play with her on the waterslide, the swings, merry-go-round. The little girl then goes and gets you a gift. Is it wrapped or unwrapped? In my mind while I was doing this, my little girl brought me a daisy. After the exercise I looked it up and a daisy signifies innocence and hope.
I just felt better after I was with this little girl who was me.
Sorry MyTrue, hope you didn't mind me sharing that.
One of the reasons I feel so hard and cold and impenetrable now is because I has originally split between the hard-ass bikerbitch, and the innocent little 9 yr old.
I needed to let go of the bikerbitch, she was the one who ended up feeling and thinking just like my exsociopath. I sometimes felt in danger of doing something cruel and ending up in jail, which is where he should be, not me.
I dont feel that bikerbitch with me much anymore, but I do feel like a male Navy Seal keeping watch, guarding the entrance to the safehouse where the little girl's recuperating.
I know it sounds weird, but in therapy it helped me to relax more and not be so poised for murder, when I felt protected, like no criminal has the ability to access me anymore. I am still strong, can still fight with lethal force, but its if I have to, not because I'm driven by vengence, if that makes sense.
I'm hoping as I relax more and more, that Navy Seal can start being the body guard as the girl comes out to play.
Maybe thats why I have anhedonia right now, because she's locked away deep inside the safehouse.