Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
when you stop talking to all your friends because you can't go do anything with them anyway it's time to leave.
when you're embarrassed for anyone to meet them it's time to leave.
When you rush home from work, the store, doc appointment etc.. because you know there's a time limit before he freaks out (even though it changes daily!) it's time to leave
It is time to leave when you are the emergency room with your child for 4 hours, he comes looking for you and then accuses you of an affair for being gone so long.......
really.......??
(these are the days before cell phones)
I thinks it's because its the only place(usually) that you are ever left alone.
I have sat in the tub, with the shower running, crying until the water turned cold. It's the only time I could release my frustration and hurt
One thing is apparent. We are a bunch of resilient people who try our best to handle more than anyone should have to.
God bless everyone single one of us.
It's sad how they turn on us. in the beginning they are sooo wonderful, loving and everything we wanted. then slowly that fades away until we see someone we barely know anymore.
I wish I knew when it was time to leave, probably a long time ago. But I'm still here, still procrastinating, still not completely done. But I'm getting fed up, I'm getting tired of being mistreated. This is no way to live.
This board has an amazing group of ladies! Thank you all!!
This is, by far, the most powerful and meaningful post for me on this entire site.
When you wish he would hit you or have an affair so you don't feel guilty for leaving.
When it is literally impossible to tell him even the mildest concern you may have with how he is acting in a situation, because he turns it all around on you and becomes horribly defensive instantaneously, time to leave.
When you make all the effort and he makes none it's time to leave When you say something to him, and he pretends no one has even said anything at all, it's time to leave.
When you realize he doesn't even see you as a person, it's time to leave.
When he starts referring to the apartment as HIS, it's time to leave. When the only time you have fun with him is when there are other people around, it's time to leave.
When he handles his worries or issues about the relationship by keeping them to himself and never shares them with you unless you bring something up first, and then he uses them to deflect what you're trying to communicate to him.
When you hide things from him because its easier than being honest and having it always turn into an ordeal.
When you start taking on an uneven share of financial responsibilities because he complains about how much things cost and you don't want to make him angry.
Ugh.
The sex comment was something that I never thought about before, but it was completely true for me. He told me once that I "wasn't allowed to tell him no" and I said "Wow, that sounds an aweful lot like rape to me..."
I'd like to add:
When he gets mad at you for standing up to him when he's yelling at or arguing with your child.